I’m 26 and feel I’m always tiptoeing around my parents

[stairyfairy2]

I’ve always had a bit of an odd relationship with my family, some of the dynamics are super toxic especially my parents relationship.

I live with my parents at the moment. Desperately looking to move out, but struggling to find a flatmate and can’t afford to rent alone.

They just seem to think I’m incapable of anything and have some really strange views. One example is when I was talking about moving to the big city for work, they ridiculed me about how I wouldn’t cope, how stupid I’d be to piss away money and I couldn’t do it. I Bearing in mind I went to uni for 3 years and paid my own way. I struggled a bit mentally but a lot of people do. Also I had bad flatmates in year 2, so they just kept saying I’d never get on with housemates.
I’ve never brought friends round either.

Another example is when I met my ex last year, I was excited to bring him round after a few months and for them to meet him, but they always said things like “why do we have to be involved/brought into your dramas” and “it’s too soon” etc. I couldn’t bring him round for months and months. I just feel like they couldn’t just be happy for me. When he did eventually come round, I got a bollocking about how we “hung about downstairs for too long” and “why did you leave him on his own to talk to us”.

Granted, my past relationships haven’t worked out and that one didn’t either. We split 5 months ago and now I’m in the stages of talking to somebody new at the moment who seems extremely good for me. I’m excited at the prospect of how it’s all going and I’m feeling really positive, but I’m genuinely so nervous about telling people. I just know my parents would ridicule me for example “it’s too soon” “you jump into things” which I really don’t think I do at all. Also, my sister just jumped into a relationship after 9 years with her ex, and they’re super happy for her.

I live so much of my life caring about what they think and I almost can’t let myself be happy because of it.

Is this me?

So you’ve got no friends that want to live with you and can’t afford to move out… what about a house share?

See moving out as really good practice for the feelings of discomfort you are going to have to experience in order to un enmesh, ykwim.

You tell them

Mum and Dad I'm moving out
They say ''on no, that's not necessary''

don't react Don't justify your decision. Just carry on making whatever plans you'd make if they were behind you.

At some point they'll say ''we discussed this, you realised it would be crazy to move out''

and you say ''well that may be but I'm moving out Thursday''.

What you have to do is really imagine that they fully support you in this decision to move out so that you do exactly what you would do if they supported you.

YOU support YOU. You are the one supporting your decision.

They do not have the power to prevent you from doing what you want to do, so don't waste your breath arguing.

They do have the power to make you feel uncomfortable for doing what's right for you. But sit with those feelings. Be conscious of what you feel and why you feel it and be aware of it abating. Dialogue without yourself. The false guilt will pass. And when it does pass and you realise you're ok, that' s you well on the way to being a little bit less enmeshed than you were before all the drama!

Stop asking them for advice. Ever. Stop it.

Dont ask where you should go at Christmas- decide, book it, inform them.

Don’t ask if you should move out, or tell them you are thinking of doing that. Look for houseshares, or small flats to rent if you can afford to rent alone - sign tenancy, get a moving date then tell them.

By asking their opinions you are reinforcing the idea that they should have a say in what you do and when. It reads like you need their approval to be happy with your choices. You are 26 and as well as they need to see you as an independent adult, you need to see yourself as an independent adult.

You don’t want them to be part of your decision making process so stop inviting them in.