SIL is impossible to get along with

[SILnightmare1989]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and me and the wife of one of his brothers have never really got along or been close. The expectation is there for us to be a foursome and always be together but I just couldn’t be like that with her due to the way she would treat me. I’ve tried my best over the past year and we were all spending a lot more time together. Unfortunately the issue’s are still there and I can’t continue to be spoken to badly. It’s all so negative, picking issues with me, making little comments all the time. So I haven’t seen them for a while.

The thing is… do I just leave it and keep avoiding them or do I tell them? I don’t want to cause any issues with the family though. If I thought they would change then I might try to sort it out. I’ve known them both for 8 years and I know they will disagree with my view. My BIL has always been a bit odd with me, picks at me and makes comments but I can’t tell if it’s because the wife doesn’t like me or if it’s both of them. I’m not the first person to fall out with her or my BIL. They have done this to other people in the family and everyone knows what she’s like. My BIL always takes her side and they have both fallen out with other people. The difference with us is my husband and BIL are really close, they own a business together.

I physically cannot stand this woman and really have tried to be friendly with her over the years. Nothing I do, no amount of effort I make is good enough. She does intimidate me a bit and I have not actually raised this issue with her as I don’t want there to be a big argument. It’s ridiculous, I know my husband will back me up this time but she’s got away with it for so long as no one else in the family has stood up to her apart from the couple of people she’s had an issue with. Immediately my BIL took her side and each time, and one of the times it was the other brother and the other time it was the cousins wife. I don’t want another repeat and feel bad for my husband. I know they will say I’ve broken the family up. We all know it’s her that is the issue but they don’t see it like that.

My husband and I don’t have children yet but want to try soon. This worries me as I don’t want to bring a child into this drama. I don’t know how to handle this situation when I know they won’t change their ways. I knew she had an issue with me from the start, it seems to be with other women in the family, like she is jealous or feels threatened by other women, but she has also fallen out with the other brother too, so who even knows.

Who expects you to be in this foursome, them? Your husband? Other family? Will your hubby be annoyed if you duck out or does he have your back?
Do not let these people put you off having a child, although I would keep your plans to yourselves in the circumstances. Then you could use the excuse of being pg/ having a baby to not go out with them at least for a while.
What sort of thing is she saying to you? I saw something the other day about a lady posting ‘boundary phrases’ to practice to shut down this type of rude fuckery so maybe you could find some appropriate phrases to practise and have to hand.

The expectation is there for us to be a foursome and always be together

Well, calmly have this conversation with your dh.
Say you are happy to do your best to rub along when you need to be together at family occasions, but that you are very different people and you don't want to do any "foursome" evenings on a regular basis. Let him know you are happy for him and his brother to go out together sometimes, but it isn't relaxing or enjoyable for you to spend time with her, so you aren't going to force it, but will be happy to be polite and friendly when you need to , on family gatherings.

I barely see my sister never mind SIL. Just don’t hang out with her unless you absolutely have to e.g. family gatherings. You’re an adult you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

Just be busy with other stuff op. Join a club or society and use it as a reasonable excuse except for the unavoidable.

My adorable SIL told me not to marry dh because he was a capitalist bastard. Oddly it has never stopped her tapping him up for a bob or three. Thankfully she lives in the Antipodes.

I utterly detest my BIL. The few times a year I have to be near the disgusting cretin, I do it for my sister.

Tell your husband you hope his business with his brother is successful, but from this day forward, you will not be spending time with them. You will not be the fabulous four. There is no reason whatsoever you need to have this woman in your life on a regular basis.

Stand up for yourself, op.

Your doing the right thing keeping your distance from her.

I mean I wouldn't trust a person like that just be civil and when the comments are made just smile.

You really don't have to do anything the family expects you to do. Especially sitting there while they talk to you in way you don't like.

I think you need to speak to your DH.

It you tried and tried just don't bother.

I know it's not quite the same but don't get on with my Stepmum. She too negative and very jealous of me. Some people very toxic.

Look after yourself don't be forced to do stuff with you don't want too. Let your DH and his DB get on with the business.

Your right to think is it safe to bring a baby into this. But it's really none of their business. She can make comments all she want. Your the DW of your DH they need to live with no matter how much they try grind you down. Be strong.

I actually past the point I don't actually care what my stepmum thinks. I told my dad I am pregnant and never got the congratulations or anything. Since then I said that's it only dealing with my dad, brothers honestly can't be bothered. I get the intimidating feeling too. Sometimes you may bring something like this up and made to feel it's nothing your making more of it that it is.

Thank you. Yes have done all of the suggested and that’s where I stand. He’s seen it for himself both from her and his brother so he is in agreement with me. I’m happy to go to family events and might bump into her fair enough. I literally am not her type of person clearly and she’s never been mine, but I was raised with manners and have tried my best.

The expectation comes from her because she thinks we should all be close as a family. She doesn’t understand that the family isn’t close or can no longer be because she can’t stop picking problems with people. The cousins can see each other whenever they have time but because we are BIL & SIL they want us to hang out more.

When I have gone around their house I’ve felt like I couldn’t escape. She harassed us so many times to not go home, to sleep over etc. for someone who seems so obsessive you would think that she would treat me better or be a decent friend. I think they like having me around because I don’t stand up for myself and it’s like a fun game for them. I am starting to stand up for myself now and it’s going to be difficult but have to try and stand my ground.

I’m sorry to hear that you have a similar situation. That’s the thing they didn’t congratulate us on getting engaged and it’s little things like that, it shows me they don’t like me but they like having me around as I’m some sort of entertainment for them. Commenting about everything I do, everything I say, there’s a little dig thrown in there. I haven’t actually told them I have an issue with how they speak to me. I’ve just avoided them, saying I was busy. I wonder if I should explain to them or just carry on avoiding them. My husband doesn’t know either.

There’s absolutely no way they will accept my opinion or admit they are wrong or change their behaviour.

The thing is she has made a few comments saying that I don’t care about my niece (her child) because I had been busy at work and hadn’t had a chance to pop round one week. Literally I had tried to spend as much time as I could but obviously work was so busy etc. so she will definitely say I don’t care about our niece and also that I'm ripping the family apart. I’m definitely not because my husband sees his brother every day, and he can go and hang out with them in his free time, and he has done many times. I just won’t be there. But they won’t see it from my point of view unfortunately.

I’m not quite clear on where any expectations to spend time with them are coming from, and how

There’s nothing you need to “do”. I don’t see any benefit in having it out with her. Your husband is on board with you only seeing her at family gatherings. There is no expectation from him that you socialise with her otherwise, and he is clear that you don’t want to and you won’t.

That kind of relationship with siblings-in-law will be absolutely no different to about 50% of the population. You’re not suggesting anything outrageous enough to split the family. It’s exactly the relationship I have with my SIL, and the same goes for most of my friends, colleagues, etc.

Yip. Most people just see the inlaws at family events, even when they're fond of them.

Just step back. Literally what will happen if you don't go round to her house?

This why I am avoiding my Stepmum don't need the stress.
When the baby is born don't even want her to visit.

Invite the other brother out too a few times? And let them get snarky with each other or maybe she will not want to go? Say really nice things about the other brother - oh John was helping with x the other day he’s the best brother. He will be a great uncle.

there is a lot of smiling politely when you don’t get on with family members but you don’t have to just swallow insults and rudeness, talk to your dh and explain you’re done.

You seem to be quite passive in the situation. Your DH has your back, the rest of the family know what she's like, so I don't see the problem in dialling the contact down a bit. Be light and friendly when you meet, don't get drawn into or respond to any pas/ag crap and just tell them you're busy or have plans and can't meet up. No one can force you into spending time with them. Just stop it.

I can’t just be busy forever it will become obvious that I'm avoiding them. Then they will confront me at a family event which will be so awkward. I’ll probably get the blame if it ends up in a row because no one will stand up to her. I’ve watched her do it to another woman in the family and they don’t speak now. In my husbands family they are very close and it will be frowned upon to just isolate myself from them. The other brother doesn’t live here lucky for him. He lives in Australia so he barely sees us, but years ago before he moved there they had issues because of her.

I don’t want to go too much into detail but I’ve had this conversation with her years ago where she warned me that my husband would always choose them. I was new to the family at that point and was alone with her so no one else heard. Obviously I didn’t have the balls to tell her to go fuck herself but she’s conveniently forgot about that conversation and many others over the years. I have allowed her to get away with it for a long time and that is my fault but my husband couldn’t intervene as she would always make these comments when I was alone with her. I didn’t want him to sort it out for me as they would have said I’m putting him in the middle. I tried my best to not be alone with her since so that she can’t do that.

In the last year or so we were spending more time together and my husband and I both didn’t say anything about the little digs/comments. It’s only more recently he’s started getting annoyed by them and he can clearly see they have an issue with me. I think at first he thought that his brother was making stupid jokes… but it’s becoming clearer to him that it’s not just jokes. I know they will pass them off as jokes and say that I’m being sensitive, as I said I’ve seen it happen before.

Your husband needs to have it out with his brother. If any of my family was being nasty to my boyfriend, i would sort it.

If it causes the family to split that is on them and not you. They either behave nicely or you won’t spend any time with them.

@Musti thank you 💐 I do agree. Just feel a bit guilty causing a divide between him and his brother/best friend. I’ve let it go on far too long.

I can’t just be busy forever it will become obvious that I'm avoiding them.

Or that you have your own friends, and your own life ?
I really like my SiL (and her dh). I genuinely do. But we don't spend time together other than at family events, as she has her friends, and life, and I have my friends and life.
If you actually don't get on, I can't see why it would be difficult to not spend all this time together.

Re anything that you consider to be a dig, or a nasty comment, question it at the time. Every time. Revert to "did you mean to be so rude?" if you like - it is a useful phrase.

I don’t want to go too much into detail but I’ve had this conversation with her years ago where she warned me that my husband would always choose them.

have you mentioned this to your DH?
You need to bite the bullet and tell him that you have no intention of spending your precious downtime with people who belittle you and who you don't like. Especially as a foursome although for his sake you are ok at family events as long as you don't have to do more than "hellos and goodbyes" with them

Then you can see how he reacts. Don't have children with him while you feel like this, it ties you to him and his family.

I can’t just be busy forever it will become obvious that I'm avoiding them.
So what?

Then they will confront me at a family event which will be so awkward.
You won't have caused any confrontation.
Everyone else knows what they are like & how they have alienated other relatives.
If they choose confrontation - Grey Rock & walk away. They cannot "confront" if you just disengage.
So you just say something like "I'm not interested in hearing you kicking off at a family event" & you WALK AWAY FROM HER.
Leaving the Awkward firmly where it belongs - with her!

I’ll probably get the blame if it ends up in a row because no one will stand up to her.
YOU stand up to her -
"this is a family occasion, I'm not interested in hearing any discourtesy." - & WALK AWAY. Leave the occasion if necessary.

I’ve watched her do it to another woman in the family and they don’t speak now.
Result!

There’s absolutely no way they will accept my opinion or admit they are wrong or change their behaviour.
So keep avoiding, keep Grey Rocking, & just drop the rope.
Stop thinking about what everyone ELSE is going to think.
Stop buying her ridiculous narrative about your niece. If she manipulates you via her child again "I'm very fond of niece, but you & I are not close & it's pointless pretending otherwise so let's just be civil & leave it there."
AND DISENGAGE. WALK AWAY/HANG UP.
You don't need to be in any dialogue with her. You don't need to answer Social Summons. You don't need to justify yourself. You certainly don't need to try & persuade them about the error of their ways - it's pointless. You need LESS back & forth with this woman, not more!
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

I don’t want to go too much into detail but I’ve had this conversation with her years ago where she warned me that my husband would always choose them.

FFS.
How did you not laugh in her face?

"Did those words actually come out of your mouth? Ha ha ha - Eastenders just called, the production director says you're late on set again - you;d best get going."

@KettrickenSmiled thank you so much. Your response will really help me. I am feeling a bit more positive now after reading all these replies.

You don't need to do anything other than agree with yourself that she is isn't going to change, and smile and wave when you see her, making sure that you are never out of earshot. Get your DH on side, tell him the game is up and you're no longer willing to play happy families with her.

she thinks we should all be close as a family

She can think what she likes, it doesn't mean that you have to do it if she's making it impossible. Distance is your friend here. Don't confront her, she will turn it around on you. Make your own decision about what is happening and go ahead and get very busy with other plans.