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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First time dad with a second time mum

62 replies

Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:02

Hello Mums,

Me and my partner have our little boy who's just tired 2 weeks old. My first her second.

Before she got pregnant we were loving life and we did have a brilliant friendship and relationship.

When she was in her first trimester she expressed some worry about baby's health what if she looses it etc. I would reassure her where I can and do my best. Ever since then we have been on this slope where she had withdrawn herself from me and the relationship blocking me out for weeks at a time turning into a completely different person that I had known for the years before.

Don't get me wrong there was times where she's be in an tree headspace and we could go out for the day or have a date night or I'd bring her McDonald's over when she was craving something 😂.

Pregnancy compared to this was bad for her he first was beautiful (her words) this one she hated it she couldn't eat sleep be comfortable enjoy the summer holiday she went on so yeah I hated seeing her like it and where I could I would try to do things for her entertain her first boy who's 4 now to give her some time to herself.

I myself could have handled being shut out better and differently and I have gotten better with it but it's tough as I know you can all appreciate where I just want all of them to be happy and content where I can do so much yet wasn't allowed to.

She is very independent strong women who I have the upmost respect for her previous partner sold her dream and have her a nightmare with going behind her back and breaking her heart not supporting her and his child through the first few years which I would like to think was the hardest time and hard on her. So it has been just her, her mum and family doing the majority of work. And I mean it's been tough for her.

I'm a 29 year old male with a full time job who her words is respectful, clean tidy and well brought up. I have voiced and stood by my partner and her child who I look at as my own and would continue to do so. I took her to appointments I have done things round the house I have been there at her lowest and when I most needed.

Her labour was horrible to watch as it was so intense yet over a short time and her words I done what any partner could do during it

So to the point ... since our little boy arrived she has been more distant than she was over the last 9 months

Not wanting to talk
Changing plans during my paternity time to spend time as a family
I'm lowest on the priority list (her words) which I get
We spoke and she said in her head she wants us a family I've done nothing wrong but her body can't be the partner I want/need ?
She said she doesn't want me then she's planning time for us. We planned going away next year and what to do for Xmas this so my head is just in two places at the moment

She also mentioned - (I thought you'd want us to be joined at the hip all the time) which I never have said that. She's also not use to someone being there willing to do so much

So in my head I think she's overwhelmed and confused About how to feel or what to do and I do understand this well I'm trying to see it from her perspective because I truly can't understand her but just try

I want more perspectives on this and if anyone has experienced this on any level because I love any advice

Thankyou

OP posts:
Underanothersky · 13/11/2022 17:14

Your child is two weeks old and you are moaning that his mother is a bit preoccupied and distant from you?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:15

Underanothersky · 13/11/2022 17:14

Your child is two weeks old and you are moaning that his mother is a bit preoccupied and distant from you?

Did you read the post ?

I'm asking for advice ! What can help if anyone has experienced it this isn't about me this is about her and me doing all I can

OP posts:
SkeetyLola · 13/11/2022 17:20

You probably should post for advice elsewhere. Don’t be fooled by the Mumsnet site name, as a man your unlikely to find any help or sympathy here.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:23

SkeetyLola · 13/11/2022 17:20

You probably should post for advice elsewhere. Don’t be fooled by the Mumsnet site name, as a man your unlikely to find any help or sympathy here.

Not about sympathy lol mums only will go through this ?

I said any advice on the matter on what to do

And for the record I've posted on here before about stuff as a dad and some people are great

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/11/2022 17:24

OP do you live with your partner? How long had you been together when she got pregnant, was that planned?

It's difficult to tell if she's got peri/post-natal anxiety, or whether she's been having doubts about the relationship during the pregnancy and these have now come to a head.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:27

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/11/2022 17:24

OP do you live with your partner? How long had you been together when she got pregnant, was that planned?

It's difficult to tell if she's got peri/post-natal anxiety, or whether she's been having doubts about the relationship during the pregnancy and these have now come to a head.

We don't live together no

Was together 18 months (known each other 36 months)

We'll we took it slow didn't stay over came over when her son would be asleep steps were taken

She then go pregnant which wasn't planned and we had spoken about will I be there if it happens etc like I said initially up to 12 weeks she was fine but then she changed in a matter of days

OP posts:
Blueskiesandeyes · 13/11/2022 17:28

Shes just had a baby. Youre the lowest on her priority list. Allow her time, grace and space. Help wherever you can, around the house and with her 4 year old and the baby. Let her know youre there to talk whenever shes ready.

Mummy2023 · 13/11/2022 17:30

@Lew12345 maybe she's suffering with post natal depression, or some sort of anxiety

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:32

Mummy2023 · 13/11/2022 17:30

@Lew12345 maybe she's suffering with post natal depression, or some sort of anxiety

See I did mention this ... trust me when I say this she has literally dealt with her first boy on her own apart from her mum and family it was just them two

The dad is a bad influence to the point where certain people were called to protect both her and the boy if you catch my drift

I wouldn't be surprised if she is feeling like that but she just dismissed what I said

It's very hard to take control of things from a women who is so strong willed and minded but then again will keep pushing no matter what

OP posts:
Winceybincey · 13/11/2022 17:36

I’ve had 3 babies and I was a complete nightmare from a few months into the pregnancies up until they turned 12 months old. I’m surprised I’m still married tbh, but my hormones with each baby didn’t settle down until they turned 1. I don’t know why. Each time it settled down I felt relief that I wasn’t stuck like it this time.

Winceybincey · 13/11/2022 17:38

Posted to soon… maybe wait it out a few more months and see how she is. It’s a big job carrying, birthing and raising the baby to toddlerhood and it does affect some mothers more than others.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:38

Winceybincey · 13/11/2022 17:36

I’ve had 3 babies and I was a complete nightmare from a few months into the pregnancies up until they turned 12 months old. I’m surprised I’m still married tbh, but my hormones with each baby didn’t settle down until they turned 1. I don’t know why. Each time it settled down I felt relief that I wasn’t stuck like it this time.

Through all 3! Wow that's interesting, my partners first pregnancy was near perfect this one has been hell for her.

Anything that helped during that time ? I am trying to help just hard when she is so sure to do things her way and take control

OP posts:
TrentCrimm · 13/11/2022 17:38

She's two weeks post partum, after a difficult pregnancy, and has a 4 year old.

This isn't the time to be delving deep into relationship issues, past or present. Your job at this time is to be as hands on with the baby as she needs you to be, and you need to master the phrase 'what can I do for you?' and then do that. Rinse and repeat.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:40

TrentCrimm · 13/11/2022 17:38

She's two weeks post partum, after a difficult pregnancy, and has a 4 year old.

This isn't the time to be delving deep into relationship issues, past or present. Your job at this time is to be as hands on with the baby as she needs you to be, and you need to master the phrase 'what can I do for you?' and then do that. Rinse and repeat.

What you talking about lol

I'm giving the story and need any advice on what it could be or what can help I have made it clear I'm there where ever I can ?

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/11/2022 17:41

You don't need to 'take control' of things. She's a grown woman.

Have you asked her what you can do to best support her? Do you go and cook and clean for her? Look after the kids while she takes a bath? Brings her cups of tea?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:42

Clymene · 13/11/2022 17:41

You don't need to 'take control' of things. She's a grown woman.

Have you asked her what you can do to best support her? Do you go and cook and clean for her? Look after the kids while she takes a bath? Brings her cups of tea?

😂

OP posts:
Winceybincey · 13/11/2022 17:43

Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:23

Not about sympathy lol mums only will go through this ?

I said any advice on the matter on what to do

And for the record I've posted on here before about stuff as a dad and some people are great

Show quote history

Well I say all 3, I can’t remember my first that well as it was a long time ago, my other two were more recent.

I’ve just seen that she’s only two weeks post-partum, sorry I missed that part, I thought baby was 9 months. Her hormones will be going absolutely crazy right now and right in the peak of it on top of recently giving birth. I definitely wouldn’t be thinking too much into how she’s acting right now. Just been there for her, don't take anything personally and don’t argue with her if you feel she’s being out of order or irrational. That’s how my husband was with me throughout it all and we came out in top.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/11/2022 17:44

Underanothersky · 13/11/2022 17:14

Your child is two weeks old and you are moaning that his mother is a bit preoccupied and distant from you?

This is kind of where I am.

You might be asking for advice. But the first poster is just baffled that you are simply failing to register quite what things are like for your girlfriend right now.

She gave birth two weeks ago. of course her body and her feelings and everything else are all over the place. She probably isn’t sleeping much at all.

She’s effectively a lone parent to a 4 year old and a newborn. You don’t live together and it doesn’t sound like you’re planning to.

she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Be there and recognise that last on the priority list is still on the list. But right now there are big things going on.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/11/2022 17:46

Why do you want or think it’s appropriate to ‘take control of things’?

TrentCrimm · 13/11/2022 17:47

Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:40

What you talking about lol

I'm giving the story and need any advice on what it could be or what can help I have made it clear I'm there where ever I can ?

Show quote history

Well it's not particularly hard to understand unless very dim... 'it' might well be that she's you know, VERY recently had a baby, and as for what you can help with, I've told you up there ^^

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:47

Honestly where have I not said I understand what she is going through

I'm literally saying is there anything that can help ? And no it's not obvious this would happen every women acts differently

I'm literally asking for any experience with any of it

I'm there where I can be I'm willing to do what I can and offer support where possible again she's very independent

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/11/2022 17:47

That response tells me everything I need to know about you @Lew12345

I hope she pursues for child support. You're clearly a waste of space who isn't mature enough to be a dad.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 13/11/2022 17:49

Clymene · 13/11/2022 17:47

That response tells me everything I need to know about you @Lew12345

I hope she pursues for child support. You're clearly a waste of space who isn't mature enough to be a dad.

You talking about 😂 I didn't mean to post that and didn't know how to post a new post other than what I just put

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 13/11/2022 17:49

Of course she’s very independent.

what you do is that you accept that you are not going to be in control.

Mummy2023 · 13/11/2022 17:50

@Lew12345 I was like it over two out of the three of my children I pushed my partner away, mine was depression I got that bad I wouldn't leave the house my partner took my child out but it was like I didn't want him around me at the time, but when he was gone I used to cry and feel alone, your emotions are all over after having a baby, he used to try and try constantly though I finally end up getting a doctors appointment and agreeing something wasn't right when I medication things got better! Just try be there for her as much as you can, if she asks for space just give it her, and offer to help out just try be patient with her she will appreciate it in the long run!