First time dad with a second time mum

[Lew12345]

Hello Mums,

Me and my partner have our little boy who's just tired 2 weeks old. My first her second.

Before she got pregnant we were loving life and we did have a brilliant friendship and relationship.

When she was in her first trimester she expressed some worry about baby's health what if she looses it etc. I would reassure her where I can and do my best. Ever since then we have been on this slope where she had withdrawn herself from me and the relationship blocking me out for weeks at a time turning into a completely different person that I had known for the years before.

Don't get me wrong there was times where she's be in an tree headspace and we could go out for the day or have a date night or I'd bring her McDonald's over when she was craving something 😂.

Pregnancy compared to this was bad for her he first was beautiful (her words) this one she hated it she couldn't eat sleep be comfortable enjoy the summer holiday she went on so yeah I hated seeing her like it and where I could I would try to do things for her entertain her first boy who's 4 now to give her some time to herself.

I myself could have handled being shut out better and differently and I have gotten better with it but it's tough as I know you can all appreciate where I just want all of them to be happy and content where I can do so much yet wasn't allowed to.

She is very independent strong women who I have the upmost respect for her previous partner sold her dream and have her a nightmare with going behind her back and breaking her heart not supporting her and his child through the first few years which I would like to think was the hardest time and hard on her. So it has been just her, her mum and family doing the majority of work. And I mean it's been tough for her.

I'm a 29 year old male with a full time job who her words is respectful, clean tidy and well brought up. I have voiced and stood by my partner and her child who I look at as my own and would continue to do so. I took her to appointments I have done things round the house I have been there at her lowest and when I most needed.

Her labour was horrible to watch as it was so intense yet over a short time and her words I done what any partner could do during it

So to the point ... since our little boy arrived she has been more distant than she was over the last 9 months

Not wanting to talk
Changing plans during my paternity time to spend time as a family
I'm lowest on the priority list (her words) which I get
We spoke and she said in her head she wants us a family I've done nothing wrong but her body can't be the partner I want/need ?
She said she doesn't want me then she's planning time for us. We planned going away next year and what to do for Xmas this so my head is just in two places at the moment

She also mentioned - (I thought you'd want us to be joined at the hip all the time) which I never have said that. She's also not use to someone being there willing to do so much

So in my head I think she's overwhelmed and confused About how to feel or what to do and I do understand this well I'm trying to see it from her perspective because I truly can't understand her but just try

I want more perspectives on this and if anyone has experienced this on any level because I love any advice

Thankyou

At this point and for the next few weeks all you need to worry about is looking after her. Making cups of tea, bringing snacks, keeping on top of the housework and washing etc.

Control probably not the right word

Guess your just assuming I'm this controlling guy which I'm not ! I wish I could do more to help her and where she struggles to let me in and I don't know what's normal and what's not that's why im asking you

Thank you for sharing I appreciate it

Yes it's obvious and guess what allot I'll write will be the obvious so if you don't like it don't reply in the most polite way I'm literally looking for an open conversation/communication

Thanks

Noted

I start my new job tomorrow so I'm gonna ensure I'm there nearly every day other than when family will be there so I don't overload her

She's seeing family with her mum next weekend so I plan to get keys to the house and try to get stuff done for her

Yes I was talking about the 😂

If you're genuine, my advice stands. You need to offer to do all the crap. That's the worst thing about having a newborn. Because none of that stops. The cleaning, the cooking, the shopping. It all needs to be done but you've got to look after someone else 24/7 too.

And be prepared to be snapped at and don't take it personally. Hormones are hell post partum.

Nice 👌

So hear me out

She's like ocd with how things are done - shopping a certain way, cooking she frankly won't trust me and will only let her mum do it

I'm happy to clean scrub the bathroom anything to be honest but how do I gently and patiently try to get her to open up to letting me do these things ? Any ideas

Honestly where have I not said I understand what she is going through
You don’t need to, your posts are tone deaf.

Just be her rock, don't take anything personally, no moping, stfu if she barks at you, be available when she needs, offer help, but no is no.

@Lew12345 I'm not sure what these people are so aggravated for!? Maybe they are misinterpreting what you've wrote or they speak differently where they are from, or maybe they are just wired wrong and read everything in a bad way instead of the normal way🤦‍♀️ some people just take words and make there own version out of it🤣

I hear ya honestly

Why don’t you live together?

I know right my posts may be boring or come across arrogant or stupid which I'd like to think I'm not 😂

I'm literally trying to help her, our son and her boy also I'm have and will continue to make mistakes but I'll learn where I can and I'm just looking for advice or experiences on this every decent insightful comment given is really great 😊

First off not privately owned

Been in my own flat which I just left so financially not an option

And she likes her own space where possible which I think everyone can relate too I don't live far though so it's not an issue ... and I snore allot apparently

You just left your flat?

What’s the long-term plan, will you have your kid at yours?

Just tell her your there for her if she needs anything. Don’t try too hard, be the person you always have been. It will take time but things will settle down and yous will find your routine.

We'll yeah long term plan will be we are a family and happy ?

Long term you’ll move in together? When?

Are you doing any of the night feeds just now?

I honestly don't know I'm not even gonna put that towards her at the moment surely that's no what to think about

It might be - how often are you with your kid?

Christ on a bike, you were given good advice and you responded with “what you taking about” and laughing ffs.

You’re there “nearly every day” isn’t good enough. Why haven’t you stepped up, taken 2 weeks paternity and been there 24/7, getting up and getting her son ready and been taking her son to school/nursery? And doing everything that needs to be done? Even if you don’t usually live together that’s what a partner and father of the baby should be doing.

Why are you even thinking about Xmas and holidays next year?

When I had my second my eldest was 4. Until at least 12 weeks I was on the sofa or in bed breastfeeding so I needed dh to entertain older, clean, cook and bring me snacks and stuff for the baby. We barely spoke in that time because when I wasn’t feeding or spending time with eldest I was sleeping with baby. Dh also got up in the night to see to eldest, change baby or whatever else. He also took baby in the evening so I could shower and rest.
During pregnancy he picked up more chores and took eldest out so again I could rest.
it wasn’t about our relationship. It was about surviving the early days. We rekindled and started to be us again after a few months when baby was less needy and slept more. This is how it is. Just be there every day to do what needs doing and wait for your relationship to come back later.