First time dad with a second time mum

[Lew12345]

Hello Mums,

Me and my partner have our little boy who's just tired 2 weeks old. My first her second.

Before she got pregnant we were loving life and we did have a brilliant friendship and relationship.

When she was in her first trimester she expressed some worry about baby's health what if she looses it etc. I would reassure her where I can and do my best. Ever since then we have been on this slope where she had withdrawn herself from me and the relationship blocking me out for weeks at a time turning into a completely different person that I had known for the years before.

Don't get me wrong there was times where she's be in an tree headspace and we could go out for the day or have a date night or I'd bring her McDonald's over when she was craving something 😂.

Pregnancy compared to this was bad for her he first was beautiful (her words) this one she hated it she couldn't eat sleep be comfortable enjoy the summer holiday she went on so yeah I hated seeing her like it and where I could I would try to do things for her entertain her first boy who's 4 now to give her some time to herself.

I myself could have handled being shut out better and differently and I have gotten better with it but it's tough as I know you can all appreciate where I just want all of them to be happy and content where I can do so much yet wasn't allowed to.

She is very independent strong women who I have the upmost respect for her previous partner sold her dream and have her a nightmare with going behind her back and breaking her heart not supporting her and his child through the first few years which I would like to think was the hardest time and hard on her. So it has been just her, her mum and family doing the majority of work. And I mean it's been tough for her.

I'm a 29 year old male with a full time job who her words is respectful, clean tidy and well brought up. I have voiced and stood by my partner and her child who I look at as my own and would continue to do so. I took her to appointments I have done things round the house I have been there at her lowest and when I most needed.

Her labour was horrible to watch as it was so intense yet over a short time and her words I done what any partner could do during it

So to the point ... since our little boy arrived she has been more distant than she was over the last 9 months

Not wanting to talk
Changing plans during my paternity time to spend time as a family
I'm lowest on the priority list (her words) which I get
We spoke and she said in her head she wants us a family I've done nothing wrong but her body can't be the partner I want/need ?
She said she doesn't want me then she's planning time for us. We planned going away next year and what to do for Xmas this so my head is just in two places at the moment

She also mentioned - (I thought you'd want us to be joined at the hip all the time) which I never have said that. She's also not use to someone being there willing to do so much

So in my head I think she's overwhelmed and confused About how to feel or what to do and I do understand this well I'm trying to see it from her perspective because I truly can't understand her but just try

I want more perspectives on this and if anyone has experienced this on any level because I love any advice

Thankyou

For the next year, just keep showing up. Turn up and do things she needs. Make her tea everytime you come. If she’s particular about food and prefers her own cooking maybe ask her mum to teach you one or quick two easy recipes you can cook in 20 minutes if she’s had a rough day. Or bring a take away once a week on a regular schedule.
Organize some baby stuff for her so that she doesn’t have to think about it most of the time - can you set up a regular delivery of nappies for example. I did this via Amazon - you alter it when baby changes sizes/starts needing fewer nappies. Amazon own brand nappies are pretty good in my opinion and they also sell pampers.

So how often are you actually there OP? You said you've done "some housework" - how much? Do you help her overnight? Do you look after the baby so she can catch up on some sleep? Change nappies? Do laundry? Look after her 4yo?

She will be absolutely exhausted, in pain and overwhelmed. You need to be there 24/7.

Honestly it sounds like you are not exactly reliable. "Nearly everyday" when you are on paternity leave You either need to step up or step out. Your p needs consistency, support and help with practicalities - shopping, cooking cleaning. You are demanding attention she will not have the time or energy to give.

Make tea, cook food for her, keep things tidy, take the dog for a walk, take the baby for a walk or rock if it's crying, give her space, give them both time, but just be supportive. Ask her what you can do It all about the baby for now and you have to realise that.

It's called labour for a reason and it's bloody exhausting and your body needs months to recover from the process

Let’s be honest.
You dint live together which means you haven’t developed a way to live together. By that I mean, finding a compromise on how you clean the bathroom and all the other things involved in running a house. That’s the ‘trust’ you are mentioning.

Now is the last time when you want her to ‘open up’ and start negotiating a new way of living ‘because you want to help’.
What she needs is support, not explaining what she wants and how she wants it, all that to see you doing it differently and unhappy with the results. Remember, she might well not be OCD but simply have different standards than you (Aka she isn’t over the top. She is over the top FOR YOUR STANDARDS. Not the same thing at all).

The way she is acting now, going to find support of her family, isn’t about you. It’s about her finding the support she needs Wo having to explain, compromise or fight to have her standards agreed.

The best you can do just now is ask her what she needs and do EXACTLY that, the way SHE wants it. What you can do is be there fir the baby, change nappies, Hold the baby if they are crying whilst she has a shower. Go and see her at her parents. Let her take the lead but dint put all the responsibility on her to sort it out.

Why ‘nearly’ everyday? Don’t you think she needs support everyday, as much as you can give? It’s YOUR son she has carried and is looking after….

As for getting the keys to do stuff, seeing that you think she is OCD and doesn’t like the way you scrub the bathroom, I’d think twice.
ASK her what she wants and would feel helpful. It’s her house. Not yours.

And where do you currently live if you’ve left your flat?

Imagine that you got run over by a tractor and then a horse kicked you right in the gonads. This is how your partner feels.
You know what a housekeeper does? Do that: clean, clean, and more cleaning. Run errands. Take her kid to school/pick him up. Do laundry, dry it, put it away. Entertain the kid, take him out.
Do the dishes.
When she’s feeding the baby offer tea and snacks. Offer to hold the baby when she wants to take a shower.
Imagine that you are showing her how much you love her by being the housekeeper, then do it.

She don't want me there every day like I said again you don't read and frankly I'm done with the comments which are just rude and understated

What do you do for your kid?

Ask her before you get the keys to her house and go in and do stuff while she’s away.

You may be trying to help, but it won’t feel like help if you haven’t agreed this with her first.

what are you laughing about? This is literally the correct advice. Help her by doing useful shit, that is all you need to do right now.

Pregnancy and childbirth are hard, the hormones are wild, her body is still healing, and if she’s the only one dealing with sleep deprivation then you have zero idea how delirious (and exhausted) that can make you. With the shit you’re coming up with I’m willing to bet you aren’t taking your fair share of sleep deprivation.

I’d like to know. Why is it that you didn’t talk about all those issues when she was pg?
You don’t live together. By default, there is no way she can rely in you to help in a reliable way.

So what was the agreement about your role and where you would fit in in the early days?
The lack of cooking skills and her so called OCD isn’t new. Did you assume all that would disappear with the baby arrival and she would welcome you in her house with open arms?

Im a bit befuddled by you discovering you are as needed as you thought you would be….