Dp wants 5050 if we split

[Lost824]

Situation is dp of 5 years, we have ds3 and baby dd 2 months together, and i have ds11 and ds8 from previous relationship. I'll start by saying I don't know if we are going to split. But there have been talks about it. We haven't had an easy year, we are in the process of being evicted from our home (non fault) and we were handed the notice when I was pregnant with dd. So its all been very stressful. We don't communicate very well when things go wrong, I sometimes struggle with my feelings and get very upset, probably more so than I should, and he isn't very understanding or helpful. He wasn't there for me emotionally immediately after having dd, but I didn't help the situation by getting frustrated with myself that I couldn't do all the housework because I was bf (she's now ff). Unfortunately the fact that he just got pissed off with me for being upset instead of being there for me, has caused me to feel some resentment. Anyway, I'm rambling a little, but just trying to give background.
There have been constant silly arguments for quite some time now, usually leading to me saying I'm not sure if I can do it anymore and thinking we should split. I love him, my older kids love him, deep down i dont really want to split, he's a great person and an absolutely fantastic dad and in all honesty i think he deserves a nicer girlfriend than me, but we just can't seem to get out of this rut of arguments, which always end up going way out of proportion. But he tells me we are having ds3 and dd 2months 5050 if we do split and theres nothing i can do about it. Personally I think they are way too young for this arrangement...but perhaps my feelings that I couldn't bear to be parted from them for half the week are clouding my judgement and I just want to know if I'm being a bit of a prick in thinking this? Of course I would still want him to have lots of contact with them, but I just think they need one stable home where they spend most nights. Please don't jump down my throat, I'm asking because I genuinely don't know the right thing to do, if the worst should happen and we do end up splitting.

They're too little for 50/50 I think. Men always seem to pull this shit anyway to keep the mother's of their kids in line. You probably need to speak to a solicitor to put your mind at rest.

Go get some legal advice. The baby certainly too young.

This doesn’t sound like a happy situation - have you thought of getting some counselling? It sounds like you are blaming yourself a lot.

Sounds like you should be going for some relationship counseling first. See if the split is really what you want or whether you can resolve you communication issues.

Your baby is too young for 50/50 however the 3 yr old could manage it, there's no reason why the father shouldn't have the dc 50% of the time when the dc are old enough. He's as entitled to see his dc 50% if the time as you are.

No judge would make you do 50/50 with a 2 month old but the 3 year old could do it as long as you and ex live close enough to each other that going to nursery and later school works out.

The 3 year old could definitely do 50/50

Thanks everyone. Counselling hasn't really crossed my mind tbh I'm not even sure we could afford it, but it could be helpful if he would go for it. It would be interesting to hear another person's perspective on our problems.
Of course I would never think at all he isn't entitled to see them as often as me, but it's more whether it's best for them to be backwards and forwards with 5050. Also not saying 5050 can't work for some people either, just always depends on the situation and the ages of the kids ect doesn't it.

Genuinely hope you both salvage something in this that does the best thing for your kids. Not always what you hope for, but what is good for your kids is good for you as their mum and vice versa.

I'll start by saying I don't know if we are going to split.

so he is threatening you with something he knows will cut your to shreds, and you don't know if you are going to split?

Does he normally do stuff like this ?

So he's emotionally unavailable and you had to stop breastfeeding to be able to do all the housework?

Does he work? How would he look after the kids? He'd have to either pay for child care or be expecting you to still look after them in the day while doing '50/50'.

I'd say he's bluffing.

If he couldn't be bothered to be there emotionally for you after having a baby and didn't take over housework when you were struggling then I doubt he'll bother to go for 50/50.

I've worded that badly and made him sound bad. It was more that I was cross with myself for not being able to do the housework because I didn't want him to have to do it all. That's my issue more than his because he was happy to do it, I just hated the thought of leaving it all to him (even though id just had a baby, it sounds so ridiculous now looking back). He's given me no reason to feel like that. It's just the way I am and I do need to chill on that sometimes 😓

I don't really know what the answer is, but the one occasion where my DH and I ever came close to splitting up was when our DC was 8 weeks old. I actually asked him to leave for a week. Much like you, we'd had a horrible year prior to the delivery.

It all came to a head when, like you - resentment had been bubbling away underneath the surface. It all came to blows one afternoon in the most ridiculous argument. It was like an earthquake, the tremours were there, then the actual earthquake and for some weeks later the aftershocks. So it wasn't all done and dusted immediately but in some ways things did just need to come a head.

I see things now for what they were - an incredibly stressful time for both of us. I don't think I appreciated just how stressed he was, and of course that meant he couldn't be as emotionally available to me as I'd have liked. It also made me think about the expectations I have for him, he's not always going to be the person who can meet my needs. For him, he lives with a deep remorse about how those months panned out.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience. I don't know if it helps. We're good now. It was a bad few months that will get relegated to memories of 'riding the ups and down's together'.

My only advice would be - unless there is actual abuse/cheating etc - and it's more just not getting on well together - hold off making any major relationship decisions until your baby is 6 months.

Also you can try to create some emotional distance, just to give yourself a breather. Treat him like you would someone in the office/work - respectful, friendly and a member of your team (who does need to pull their weight) but not someone you turn to for emotional support. It can just help to ease some of the pressure, not just on him, but on you as well - essentially stop giving him the opportunity to further hurt and let you down. It allows some of the steam to come off things. It did help me doing that and in time we came back together, as almost when the pressure was off, it prompted my DH to step forward.

Not sure if that makes sense! But hopefully it does. Hugs and congratulations on your baby xx

so he is threatening you with something he knows will cut your to shreds, and you don't know if you are going to split?
Does he normally do stuff like this?
🙄
Reads more that the OP is throwing this threat out regularly.
Which is pointless if you just use it as a tactic. Loses all meaning. Also feels like OP is minimising a little with the 'I don't communicate, I just get really upset' narrative. That could mean many things.

50/50 can definitely work but you need 2 parents who will put the children above all the other shit that may be going on in their relationship. Not many do 🤷‍♀️

p.s I should also add that taking that emotional breather will help you over the coming weeks/months reach a more impartial decision about whether you want the relationship moving forward. It's a case of taking a step back while you still live together and before making a huge decision. It just helps with getting some mental clarity.

I was pretty convinced I wanted to split but taking a step back and just being like I say friendly, respectful but guarded, sort of made my DH move more towards my perspective. He became friendlier to me, and warmer towards me as well.

We put it all behind us when one night we wound up in a big heart to heart, this was quite a few months down the line - and I cried about the things that had deeply upset me at the time and he was literally on his knees while I sat on the sofa sobbing, just saying how sorry he was. I really just needed to hear that.

In the thick of all the arguments, he couldn't reach that place because he was too on the defensive because of all the little fights and snide remarks, and the battle ground we'd drawn up.

I disagree and I don't know why 2 months is too young for 5050.

Slightly different but I had to return to work when my youngest DS was 10 weeks (now 6m)
My DH and I both work four days (me weds-Saturday and him Sunday-Wednesday) and kids with step mum on Wednesdays so we have absolutely equal amount of parenting involvement and I'd actually argue that he's a better parent than me.

There's nothing to say your boyfriend wouldn't do just as good a job at parenting than you. I don't understand why mums automatically get majority share of the time with their children.

I would say that you both need to get to the bottom of why you keep arguing and find solutions for that. You have so much good to say about him! Honestly, will be much harder for you if you split up. I have split up with my exH (for very good reasons) so I don't say this lightly.

Donttalkimcounting thankyou so much for sharing your experience. Really interesting to hear it from the perspective of someone who has been through it and come out the other side.

Twillow I really do. I could go on about all the great things about him I really could. It's just a rut we are stuck in and I keep thinking about the future and what I should expect if we can't find a solution.

Beachloveramy I don't think for one minute that he wouldn't do just as good a job as me. It's more a case of, is having 2 homes the best thing for kids of such a young age, if it comes to that.

Agree. So many threads about ‘useless dads who never see their kids’ and ‘Disney dads’ yet when a dad wants 50/50 he’s ‘pulling this kind of shit’ etc. Men cannot win on here 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s not the ‘best thing’ but it’s better than constantly bickering parents if you handle the split well.

50/50 is generally horrible for chlildren. They don't feel like they really belong anywhere, especially if they have half-siblings who are with one of their parents most of the time. I think one of you has to make a personal sacrifice and have less time with the children for their sakes.

I don't understand why fathers of a non-bf baby don't get 50 50? What's the difference between a mother and a father

I think you could be all over the place at the moment with a toddler and a very young baby. I know I was, although DC2 was very easy (DC1 wasnt!). It's harder than most people realise so your OH may not realise what your needs are right now.

If he's willing, you need to start to communicate how you feel and both try to compromise without turning it into rows and recriminations.
I hope you can work through this for all your sakes.