Dp wants 5050 if we split

[Lost824]

Situation is dp of 5 years, we have ds3 and baby dd 2 months together, and i have ds11 and ds8 from previous relationship. I'll start by saying I don't know if we are going to split. But there have been talks about it. We haven't had an easy year, we are in the process of being evicted from our home (non fault) and we were handed the notice when I was pregnant with dd. So its all been very stressful. We don't communicate very well when things go wrong, I sometimes struggle with my feelings and get very upset, probably more so than I should, and he isn't very understanding or helpful. He wasn't there for me emotionally immediately after having dd, but I didn't help the situation by getting frustrated with myself that I couldn't do all the housework because I was bf (she's now ff). Unfortunately the fact that he just got pissed off with me for being upset instead of being there for me, has caused me to feel some resentment. Anyway, I'm rambling a little, but just trying to give background.
There have been constant silly arguments for quite some time now, usually leading to me saying I'm not sure if I can do it anymore and thinking we should split. I love him, my older kids love him, deep down i dont really want to split, he's a great person and an absolutely fantastic dad and in all honesty i think he deserves a nicer girlfriend than me, but we just can't seem to get out of this rut of arguments, which always end up going way out of proportion. But he tells me we are having ds3 and dd 2months 5050 if we do split and theres nothing i can do about it. Personally I think they are way too young for this arrangement...but perhaps my feelings that I couldn't bear to be parted from them for half the week are clouding my judgement and I just want to know if I'm being a bit of a prick in thinking this? Of course I would still want him to have lots of contact with them, but I just think they need one stable home where they spend most nights. Please don't jump down my throat, I'm asking because I genuinely don't know the right thing to do, if the worst should happen and we do end up splitting.

At 2 months old, that baby has a primary attachment to its mother.

That is not a critique of the father, but that baby has known nothing but its mother all the time in the womb and has known its father for 2 months. BF is not the only reason for attachment.

As it gets older it naturally detaches and then 50/50 may work depending on how it's handled.

Babies in many countries with really short maternity leaves go into childcare really young, often as you as 10 weeks old. They can be away from their parents 9-10 hours a day. It doesn't damage their bond with mum. So I'm not quite buying the argument.

OP - I would imagine you’re both exhausted and that is affecting your ability to communicate and your stability. This is your 4th child so surely you know by now that perfect housework is not required when you’re looking after a young family.

You’ve just had a baby - it doesn’t seem like the right time to be bandying around threats about leaving each other. It doesn’t sound like there’s abuse here and the relationship was strong enough for you two to decide to have a 2nd child together very recently.

I think you both owe it to your children and yourselves to stop with the flouncy arguments, accept that you’re both running on empty, cut each other some slack and focus on creating a calm home for the family.

It's more a case of, is having 2 homes the best thing for kids of such a young age, if it comes to that
Kids are incredibly resilient and adaptable and they take their cues from us. It's the parents who can't get their shit together that makes it NOT a good thing .🤷‍♀️

@CJsGoldfish spot on! There’s a world of difference between parents who make 50/50 work, are civil to each other and focus on making the kids are the priority all the time - and those who make it a toxic environment, use the kids as power weapons, piss about with drop off arrangements, end up back in court every five minutes, bring new partners in too soon.

I guess this applies to any access arrangement. As others have said, you should expect 50/50 to be supported by a court unless there is some other reason why not. Either way, I would certainly try communication/counselling before this step. Ultimately the best thing for kids is a stable loving home with both parents present.

I have done 50:50.

My opinion is that it’s actually a bit easier with younger kids. But the baby is too young.

I found as they got older, it worked less for them and they wanted one primary base. They didn’t want to be packing a bag every week and having to think about what they had at their dads, and what they needed to take from mine.

That said, how kids cope with separation (regardless of wether it’s 50:50 or not) is mainly impacted by how the parents act. This is only my opinion. But parents who put the kids, and not their bitterness about the relationship failing, first will find their kids far happier.

We did 50:50 quite well. Even though exh was a dick. I refused to rise to his poor behaviour towards me. Even my 18 year old still doesn’t know how much I dislike him. For various reasons, it doesn’t really work anymore. Ds is 11 and dd 18 and they barely see him. His and their choices.

It doesn’t sound like you really want to split though. If you are going to make a go of it, both of you need to stop throwing round threats of splitting and threats of what that would look like. You can’t even try and work through it, if that’s what happens when it gets difficult.

Yes but they do not see their Mother for 3/4 days in the situation you are talking about.

I also think that a 50/50 split might well be what parents are "entitled to", but is rarely in the best interests of the children. Even in situations which from the outside appear to work well, I've heard slightly older children saying they hate the upheaval of moving homes every week. As a teacher, I've often witnessed younger children upset/crying because they will miss a parent on the days they are not seeing that parent (almost always the mum.) I think parents convince themselves it is "right" because to admit otherwise is far too uncomfortable, and because often children don't want to upset their parents so they keep quiet (but tell friends or other people instead.)

As far as advice for you, like others have said, explore whether you really want to split up first, but otherwise, don't be afraid to at least ask for a less disruptive pattern of being with the children. I wouldn't get solicitors involved though (£), and I would be prepared for the family court to award 50/50, but at least you will have tried.

As long as 50/50 means 50/50 drop offs, pick ups, homework, washing clothes not just pick them up after work from you and just sleeping there. That is that tactic (sometimes) to not pay maintenance but still work full time easily. Half of sickness days.

I'm going through a divorce with 3 young children

Not instigated by me I should add as I do think that's important in a relationship breakdown which doesn't involve abuse etc

I didn't have children to not see them 50% of my free time - nights and weekends. Unless forced by a court I won't be agreeing to a custody split like that as genuinely don't think it provides stability for the children.

If STBEXH wanted to parent he should have stuck around

Unpopular opinion undoubtedly

He's divorcing you not them! I'm not surprised you think it's unpopular it comes across as you using your children to get back at him.

Honestly? You've just had a baby - still a newborn at 2 months.

This is 100% not the time to be making relationship choices unless there is abuse going on.

The first year with every baby is so, so hard on you both as parents and your relationship.

Just think of the argument you had - you were annoyed that you couldn't do more but he was happy to do it. You were frustrated and he was frustrated that you were in a bad mood when he was just doing his share while you were breastfeeding.

You said you don't want to split but have thrown that at him. He has thrown back that he would go for shared care.

Take a deep breath. Find some time for yourself. Spend some time together. Talk to each other - properly communicate. If you have to, look at counselling, it really does help. When I had both children we went through something similar each time and we'd write each other letters about how we were feeling - too much sleep deprivation and hormones going crazy for a discussion that always turned into an argument about who did more.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

Actually we are divorcing because he left because he said he no longer wanted family life

Not that he no longer wanted me specifically

EOW is shit for the children, speaking from experience.

He doesn't have to stay in a relationship he's not happy in to be a good dad.

For most families, the difference is mom is primary care giver.

It'd be pretty devastating for a baby to be with someone for 3 or 4 days then not see them again for that same length of time and be with someone completely different.

You've just had a baby, you. are tired, your hormones are everywhere. He is also having to adjust to. a new baby as well.

Take a deep breath. Get someone to baby sit, and both of you need some time to to yourself. To find yourself, to find each other. Communicate with each other if you can't say it write it down. Ask each other how to support each other.
When you are with a newborn, even going to brush teeth takes a bloody effort.

Don't make any rash decisions.

And yet you think he's going to go for 50/50? Right. Seems totally plausible.

Why should he not get a 50/50 split.

It takes 2 people for a relationship to fail, and he has 50% of the responsibility.

Very odd that people think that automatically he shouldn't.

I don’t know. He’s a parent too. He wants to spend an equal amount of time with the children. Taken he lives not far from you after the separation, it’s manageable. Yes, it’s sad, but that’s what happens.

You should be pleased he wants the kids 50/50, if he is really involved father it is better for the kids. Having 2 homes won't damage them as much as not seeing their parent often enough.
Your relationship issues sound more like a rough patch post baby rather than any fundamental unresolvable issue though.

@girlmom21
It’s not ideal either when a young baby spends the whole long day in the nursery, but we wouldn’t blame working parents. Is it not sad that the baby would not see their father for many days too? I just don’t get it.

Then don't split. Work on your relationship

Really good post from @saltofcelery above. This sounds like a difficult time, but do you really want to split up? Take some time and talk to one another. It doesn't sound irretrievable.

If he's saying that hoping to scare you into stopping talking about splitting then the best response is well I really hope we can work on our relationship but if we do split then yes, absolutely you should have equal responsibility for the children.

Why shouldn't be have 50/50.....he's their Dad?