Dp wants 5050 if we split

[Lost824]

Situation is dp of 5 years, we have ds3 and baby dd 2 months together, and i have ds11 and ds8 from previous relationship. I'll start by saying I don't know if we are going to split. But there have been talks about it. We haven't had an easy year, we are in the process of being evicted from our home (non fault) and we were handed the notice when I was pregnant with dd. So its all been very stressful. We don't communicate very well when things go wrong, I sometimes struggle with my feelings and get very upset, probably more so than I should, and he isn't very understanding or helpful. He wasn't there for me emotionally immediately after having dd, but I didn't help the situation by getting frustrated with myself that I couldn't do all the housework because I was bf (she's now ff). Unfortunately the fact that he just got pissed off with me for being upset instead of being there for me, has caused me to feel some resentment. Anyway, I'm rambling a little, but just trying to give background.
There have been constant silly arguments for quite some time now, usually leading to me saying I'm not sure if I can do it anymore and thinking we should split. I love him, my older kids love him, deep down i dont really want to split, he's a great person and an absolutely fantastic dad and in all honesty i think he deserves a nicer girlfriend than me, but we just can't seem to get out of this rut of arguments, which always end up going way out of proportion. But he tells me we are having ds3 and dd 2months 5050 if we do split and theres nothing i can do about it. Personally I think they are way too young for this arrangement...but perhaps my feelings that I couldn't bear to be parted from them for half the week are clouding my judgement and I just want to know if I'm being a bit of a prick in thinking this? Of course I would still want him to have lots of contact with them, but I just think they need one stable home where they spend most nights. Please don't jump down my throat, I'm asking because I genuinely don't know the right thing to do, if the worst should happen and we do end up splitting.

I never get why women are so against 50/50 why should you have the children the majority of the time and him only see them eow? Wouldn’t be happy seeing your kids eow?

It will be far cheaper to invest in some relationship therapy than splitting and running two homes.

You recognise it's a communication issue so be positive about resolving it. Be open about how much you love him and tell him that you know your communication with him his poor and you want that to change.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

I never said their dad was pursuing 50/50

I just said I wouldn't agree to a split like that unless a court forced it.

We all know many dads pursue 50/50 just to reduce maintenance liabilities not that they actually want to parent their children

I'd agree some do, yes. However we also know some mother's deny 50/50 because they want more maintenance. Swings and roundabouts.

Oh I agree. It'd be horrible either way. But most babies aren't in nursery at 2 months old.

I wasn't suggesting it's right that dads massively miss out, I was just answering your question without giving an opinion

Because its not him being on maternity leave and spending all day with a baby. How would that even work practically? Would they both take time off work to look after the baby on their days? Would they both be able to claim maternity leave? Claim benefits?
When a women gives birth and leaves work to look after the baby she becomes primary caregiver. Sometimes it's the man and man can do the job just as well but doesn't sound like it is in that case. The baby attaches very strongly to primary care giver and instinctively rely on their presence for survival. Its totally different to not see primary care giver for some hours then to not see them for a week! There is so much literature on this.

Generally women also get very attached to baby - their hormones, heart beats are in sync and mothers get distressed way more by separation with a baby then a father does because their bodies are flooded with hormones. When my baby was little I got anxious just when popping to the shop for few minutes and felt like my hand was missing.

I'm all for equality at work and at home but let's not be unreasonable. Small babies don't even know where they end and where the mother begins. They are fresh out of the womb. There is plenty of time to do 50/50 when they are ready.

And OP please consider working on your relationship. Nothing in your post sounds like something very unusual - with small children and stressful life relationships suffer. It's nothing that can't be helped with counselling and a bit more effort on both sides.

Of course there’s a reason, that reason being what is best for the kids, not what’s best for him.

Of course there’s a reason, that reason being what is best for the kids, not what’s best for him

It's also not what's best for the op either, it's about the dc, and what's best for them is to have a good relationship with BOTH parents. The father has an equal right and equal parental responsibility for the dc!

Oh for gods sake
They're mutually in talks about splitting.
The man has just as much of a right to have his children 50/50.

If the woman was saying to the man before the split that she would push for 50/50 would that be okay for her to threaten him?

No..

Probably another man hating misogynistic buzzword using pointless reply.
Putting down foundations as to what you'd expect when it comes to visitation with kids, especially if it's fair and realistic (especially when new baby isn't bf anymore) is not a threat

Probably another man hating misogynistic buzzword using pointless reply.

not sure what you mean here, but haha

Clearly he is trying to hurt op with something he knows will upset her. I have no issues with 5050, but op does.

Is he trying to hurt her or does he just want to see his children? Because to be honest if I was in his position and the default was EOW I'd be making my position clear too. Difference is, as a woman, that's okay.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

Trust me if my STBEXH had to pay for childcare on "his" days if we went 50/50 it would be x2 to x3 what he pays in maintenance 😂

That's your ex though isn't it, not all men.

@NadjaCravensworth
How is he trying to hurt the OP?

Of course it hurts having kids 24/7 changing then to 50/50. It'll hurt them both. But just because the OP is a woman, the man is trying to hurt her...

If the man was going for every other weekend only. Or here or there random days he would get slated as he's leaving everything to the woman and he's not stepping up.

I don't see that the guy has done anything wrong here, but you obviously do, well, because it's a man.

He wasn't there for me emotionally immediately after having dd, but I didn't help the situation by getting frustrated with myself that I couldn't do all the housework because I was bf (she's now ff). Unfortunately the fact that he just got pissed off with me for being upset instead of being there for me, has caused me to feel some resentment.

This is not a dig, and I'm honestly not trying to be funny but it's just something I don't understand -

What do people mean when they say things like he "wasn't there for me emotionally" in situations like this?

What kind of behaviour are they referring to?

Sounds very stressful
if you still love him - can you have a ceasefire and calm eveything down ? And try and get through this period

no one makes good Decisions when they are tried nd stressed and facing eviction sweetheart

can you try and get some calm and talk to someone

and make some peace when you agree to not trigger each other and fight (easy to say )

its a really really rough time x

I didn't have children to not see them 50% of my free time - nights and weekends. Unless forced by a court I won't be agreeing to a custody split like that as genuinely don't think it provides stability for the children
If STBEXH wanted to parent he should have stuck around

This is a good example of why 50/50 isn't always best. When you have a parent who focuses on what they want it won't work. Of course, throwing in an obligatory "I don't think it's best for the children" is supposed to negate the real issue but the last sentence especially says it all.
It's bitter and angry parents that fail their children, not the 50/50 arrangement