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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH put me on a sex site

69 replies

Pearlescentflower · 11/11/2022 01:33

My DH has consistently lied and walked out throughout our 16 year relationship.
We have 2 children and he even did this while he had access to his other child leaving me with him too. And my two older ones back then.
He controls the income because he's "the worker" (I worked for him and did some other work out of the home) he doesn't give me a wage but also takes the working tax credits. He refuses to pay any bills but does pay the car insurance but also has primary control over the car.
He has a problem with weed and also lies about his usage. Some hints of infidelity, finding messages that he claims were catfishing etc and that he consoles other women and discusses our problems also with other women but I have all kinds of rules for who I can and can't talk to and when.
After all these years, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore and couldn't sleep with him. He is very sexually manipulative and will give me the silent treatment for not putting out. And he threatens/warns to go with other women because I don't satisfy him.
Recently he took screen shots from a private video we made on his request, and put a paid advert online without my knowledge advertising me to other men.
He took it as far as to give out his number and our location and had been intimately messaging a number of men about me.
I was furious and told him it was disgusting to do that for his own entertainment.
He has blamed me for not "lighting his fire" and laughed at me saying "god forbid I have any excitement.
I think this is absolutely disgusting, and it's only a fraction of what he's been doing over the years.
I want him to leave, AIBU

OP posts:
NancyVicious · 11/11/2022 01:35

Get rid of him now. And report this to the police

MolliciousIntent · 11/11/2022 01:37

Call the police, and then a lawyer.

LoveShitJokes · 11/11/2022 01:38

Surely this is a form of sexual assault? I'm sorry this has happened to you, what a sick, sick bastard. The police will treat you with kindness I'm sure xx

Youdoyoubabe · 11/11/2022 01:38

I doubt anyone would consider you unreasonable to leave him in this situation. Or to report him to the police.

BritInAus · 11/11/2022 01:39

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He is abusive in so many ways. Please go to the police and move on with your life away from this awful, awful man.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/11/2022 01:41

He has blamed me for not "lighting his fire" and laughed at me saying "god forbid I have any excitement.

The Goddess ordain that he spends the night in a police cell.
What he has done is illegal OP.
On two counts - 1) the video. 2) financial abuse - a form of coercive control.

Do you feel able to go to the police?
What support do you need? Please at least talk to Womens Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
They will advise you on your legal position & signpost you to expert help. They will also provide emotional support & advice.

I am so sorry OP. Your H is a shit. Flowers
Please be very aware - he is breaking the law.

Wafflesnsniffles · 11/11/2022 01:43

YADNBU. Definitely get rid. I have no practical advice but definitely dont doubt yourself. You deserve so much better than this idiot. xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/11/2022 01:45

Report to police.

ANd leave FFS. Then work out why you think this is a relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/11/2022 01:45

In April 2015, the Criminal Justice and Courts Act made it, 'an offence for a person to disclose a private sexual photograph or film if the disclosure is made without the consent of an individual who appears in the photograph or film, and with the intention of causing that individual distress'.

Intimate image abuse (aka revenge porn - a phrase which is discouraged because it is so damn victim-blamey) is the act of sharing intimate images or videos of someone, either on or offline, without their consent with the intention of causing distress. This is against the law and included in the Criminal Justice and Courts Act (2015).

Here is a helpline for you OP - swgfl.org.uk/helplines/revenge-porn-helpline/

mathanxiety · 11/11/2022 01:46

Take screenshots.

Go to the police.

What he's done is a crime.

GingerScallop · 11/11/2022 02:06

Such good advice from many posters especially about reporting him to police. I just wanted to say am sorry you are going through this and hope you get the strength and support to leave this horrible man.

JustKittenAround · 11/11/2022 02:26

There is literally a Dr Phil episode with this. You can go on YouTube to find it.

what wasn’t explored or tales about in that episode in depth was that these pics are traded by men who love to violate. They tease, often even getting pics of their own children to trade.

You can’t trust a man who does this. Ever. It’s abuse. Abuse that’s roots are in the very violation of your trust and personal privacy.

Scum. Don’t co-sign on this and be scum either.

JustKittenAround · 11/11/2022 02:27

PS also sorry about this. My goodness it is a violation. He’s filth

momonpurpose · 11/11/2022 02:33

Call the police. Let him go to jail. Hopefully someone there will teach him about consent.

kateandme · 11/11/2022 03:25

The stuff before was enough to leave op.
this this means you must.and report him.

Natsku · 11/11/2022 03:33

Illegal, please report him and leave him. I understand it can be hard to leave someone when its been a long relationship and they've conditioned you to accept their behaviour but hopefully this is the final straw that helps you leave him.

Fraaahnces · 11/11/2022 03:48

Seriously? Get proof of financials and call a solicitor.

Fraaahnces · 11/11/2022 03:49

And then the police.

GlowingBear · 11/11/2022 03:59

You absolutely deserve better than this OP. Please contact the police. You could also contact Women’s Aid for support and advice.

There is happiness on the other side of this, but you won’t find it with a scum bag like this and he won’t change.

Blizzardbeach · 11/11/2022 04:00

Hes am abusive nasty man OP.
He has financially used and abused you, he has walked out on his children and yours, he has now escalated to using sexual images of you and sharing them. Not only is he doing this, he is also getting excitement from it.

Not always too quick to jump on the LTB bandwagon, but please do contact the police and report him and be ready to leave.

Your life will be better immediately.

k1233 · 11/11/2022 05:51

If I were you, I would be very worried that he would invite these men to your house / another location to abuse you. I really do not think you are safe to remain with him. Please follow the advice above and contact the police and womens aid to extricate yourself from the situation. Being in control of your own money, even if it's tight, is so much better than being beholden to an abuser for your basic rights.

catfunk · 11/11/2022 06:16

Get your important documents together and proof of financials then Police, now!
He's abusing you.

Fairislefandango · 11/11/2022 06:19

It sounds like any single one of the awful things he does would have been more than enogh reason to leave him years ago, OP. For goodness' sake get this total and utter scumbag out of your life!

honiedparsnip · 11/11/2022 06:19

Oh you poor thing! That's horrible please go to the police they will support you.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 11/11/2022 06:26

So if he controls the money but only pays the car insurance how are the other bills paid?
Ie if you are independently wealthy there is nothing stopping you leaving right now this second.