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Original poster

AIBU to not like staying at new boyfriends because he smokes indoors/in his bedroom?

64 replies

Smokey87 · 10/11/2022 22:31

Relatively new boyfriend of 4 months. He smokes in some of the rooms of his house and has his last smoke of the day lying in bed.
I don’t smoke at all. While I understand it’s his house, he wants me to stay over, I don’t really like to sleep in a bed that smells of smoke, he says he can’t smell it. I’ve said it smells of smoke and he said he would wash them the next day which I’m sure he did but then smoked again that night.
would I be unreasonable to ask him not to smoke in his room if he wants me to stay over? I guess the only option is not to stay if I don’t like it but I know he wants me there.

OP posts:
SSCCLL · 10/11/2022 23:22

I dated a smoker and turning up to work, abs stinking after staying there was awful. I could smell it all day. I could smell it on my hair, my skin, all my clothes. I tried putting my clothes in a rucksack but that just smelled as bad as the clothes even when I never took them out!!! I had to wash my hair every day I was near him, he started asking to smoke in my car. Vile! Get out whilst you can, there's no other solution.

TheSandgroper · 11/11/2022 09:27

Put a damp cloth over his walls. The yellow muck will be inches thick. The headboard of his bed. The mattress. The pillows. The quilts. The floor. You and all you bring into his house with you.

You need to decide what your standards are and, if you stay with him, you can’t whinge about him any more.

notmyrealmoniker · 11/11/2022 09:37

My ex was a smoker and over never smoked. It was a huge bone of contention as he would smoke through the night too. Vile, and looking back I'm sure I must have reeked of cigarettes but was just used to it. I'd never have anything to do with a smoker now. It's also so bad for their health and long term you could end up with a very sick person you need to care for. Get out now

Original poster
Smokey87 · 03/12/2022 11:52

Update- spoke to him about it. He said he wouldn’t smoke inside anymore and would get new bed clothes so that I feel ok staying there. However 3 weeks on still no new bed clothes, old ones haven’t been washed and there’s still an ashtray by his bed…would seem he doesn’t care too much how I feel

OP posts:
DurhamDurham · 03/12/2022 11:54

It'll only get worse when he stops trying to impress you, not that he's actually managed that so far.
Dump him now if it bothers you.

glasshole · 03/12/2022 12:00

Smokey87 · 03/12/2022 11:52

Update- spoke to him about it. He said he wouldn’t smoke inside anymore and would get new bed clothes so that I feel ok staying there. However 3 weeks on still no new bed clothes, old ones haven’t been washed and there’s still an ashtray by his bed…would seem he doesn’t care too much how I feel

Get rid. Honestly.

Out of curiosity is it just cigarettes he smokes? Or does he smoke weed? I don't know a single full time smoker that would be happy to forgo their evening/before bed cigarette but I know plenty of weed smokers that are much more flexible as they only consume tobacco with weed so aren't quite as addicted to the nicotine.

FWI I couldn't be in that relationship. I avoid visiting my parents as they smoke " just in the kitchen ". In reality the entire house absolutely STINKS and my eyes burn terribly after a C tree minutes. So I see them for about 20 minutes once a month and despite telling them why, they do nothing to change.

Coconutcream123 · 03/12/2022 12:00

Gross and I'm an ex smoker, never smoked indoors. It stinks.
Exes parents used to smoke in the house and it smelt so bad it was nauseating.

GrumpyPanda · 03/12/2022 12:07

Smokey87 · 03/12/2022 11:52

Update- spoke to him about it. He said he wouldn’t smoke inside anymore and would get new bed clothes so that I feel ok staying there. However 3 weeks on still no new bed clothes, old ones haven’t been washed and there’s still an ashtray by his bed…would seem he doesn’t care too much how I feel

And there you have your answer.

RoseAndGeranium · 03/12/2022 12:13

Sorry OP. It’s time to ditch the human chimney.

BlusteryLake · 03/12/2022 12:14

To me, smoking is a lifestyle choice that isn't generally compatible long-term with those who choose not to smoke. It's so invasive that it can only be tolerated for so long. It's already an issue in your relationship so move on now before you invest any more time in it. (Still retching at the idea of a bedtime smoke, that's grim!)

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 12:16

I don’t think you two are comparable.

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 12:17

Sorry. I meant you two aren’t compatible!

ButterCrackers · 03/12/2022 12:17

Disgusting and bad for your health. He needs to stop smoking if he’s to stay in a relationship with you.

StickofVeg · 03/12/2022 12:29

Sorry OP but that would be a hard "no" from me. I couldn't date a smoker. Everything stinks after a while!

bellac11 · 03/12/2022 12:32

I wouldnt go out with a smoker personally. It doesnt matter where they smoke, they always smell of it, they think they dont but they do.

And some people can tolerate that and thats fine, but I cant

IntentionalError · 03/12/2022 12:36

Neither of you is in the wrong here. YANBU to refuse to stay over if the smokes in his bedroom. He is NBU to smoke however much he wants, wherever he wants in his own house.
If I were you, however, I would be questioning how compatible you & him would be in the long term. I find smoking disgusting, and I definitely wouldn’t fancy being married to a smoker.

ACynicalDad · 10/04/2023 10:06

smoking in bed used to be a big cause of house fires when purple fall asleep. He’s a fool, get rid.

Manichean · 10/04/2023 12:42

Really horrible if you have kids with a smoker. They put the children at risk with second and third hand smoke.

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 12:49

🤢🤮completely wasting your time.

Dump.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 14:33

Smokey87 · 10/11/2022 22:31

Relatively new boyfriend of 4 months. He smokes in some of the rooms of his house and has his last smoke of the day lying in bed.
I don’t smoke at all. While I understand it’s his house, he wants me to stay over, I don’t really like to sleep in a bed that smells of smoke, he says he can’t smell it. I’ve said it smells of smoke and he said he would wash them the next day which I’m sure he did but then smoked again that night.
would I be unreasonable to ask him not to smoke in his room if he wants me to stay over? I guess the only option is not to stay if I don’t like it but I know he wants me there.

Wouldn't date someone who smokes in the first place.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 14:35

Smokey87 · 03/12/2022 11:52

Update- spoke to him about it. He said he wouldn’t smoke inside anymore and would get new bed clothes so that I feel ok staying there. However 3 weeks on still no new bed clothes, old ones haven’t been washed and there’s still an ashtray by his bed…would seem he doesn’t care too much how I feel

Envy

3 weeks since he changed his bed??

Raise your standards!

AluckyEllie · 10/04/2023 14:37

It’s basically a non starter relationships then. Imagine in a couple years you want to move in together- he’ll want to smoke in the house and you won’t. Neither is wrong but it’s just gonna cause issues. As is the fact that he’ll say things to seem reasonable but have no intention of following through. Time to ditch

Zanatdy · 10/04/2023 14:42

I’m an ex smoker - 18yrs, but never smoked in bed. My friend used to, she would wake up and light up! Guy I was seeing recently was a social smoker and he would chain smoke when he was drinking. I ended up having a couple so I wasn’t kissing an ashtray! But yeah it’s a filthy habit and I wouldn’t stay in a smoky bed either

Specso · 10/04/2023 14:47

He smokes IN bed?! It’s not 1985, seriously who does that?

you are not being unreasonable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 14:59

Dump him. Tell him he smells like an ashtray, it's expensive and shortening his life. He's also putting you at risk with passive smoking.

I bet he stinks of it.

I used to smoke. I'd quit for 3 years by the time I met by DP. I said it was a dealbreaker so he immediately quit too.

Yes, he's had a couple of slips while out with mates, which he was honest about, but never with me and not for the past couple of years.

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