Correcting Partner

[RightsHoarder]

My partner uses completely the wrong words for many things. Not an issue really as I mostly know what he means.

However, lately he has started to get very annoyed if we get the wrong end of the stick.

If I get the wrong end of the stick and say it is because he used a different word, he gets really defensive and says everyone is always correcting him.

He is dyslexic. I don't know what to do with this new defensiveness.

He doesn't realise that words have meanings and they matter sometimes if context isn't clear. He doesn't always get words, but I hate walking on eggshells because I do.

Example - we are going away for the weekend and we were talking about the trip. This one is really silly and not a great example and I worked out what he was getting at but too late. He asked dd if she was grateful for being able to go. She has qualified in a competitive sport so she replied that she was grateful that she had the motivation to be able to qualify and was grateful for her physical abilities. He meant was she grateful for him working overtime to pay for the hotel. Because she didn't think he was talking about money, he thought she was ungrateful. I explained why she may have thought he meant grateful in a more general sense. He didn't use the wrong word but didn't realise the word had a broad meaning and isn't obviously specific.

I also think it's a bit weird to expect a 12 year old to think money first.

Not the most clear example but we have these odd conversations daily and I don't know how to approach it when it happens.

@itsnotdeep thank you I will have a look. 100% word salad. Mostly I don't even try and work it out now as I know it's a trick.

He is definitely insecure.

@itsnotdeep amazing article, thank you so much

Ugh so we have arrived on our sports weekend and on the way dp says - 'what chocolate is left in the bag.' I didn't buy the chocolate and I haven't eaten any so I say 'I don't know, whatever you bought is still in there as I haven't had any yet.'

He then gets so annoyed and eye rolls - 'oh for gods sake, why is everything always so difficult with you. I can't remember what I bought.' I then went on and looked and told him. It was so nasty and unnecessary.

The hotel room has been a nightmare too. I stood up to him and the way he was speaking to us and he says 'oh, so you want to carry this on do you?' In a really nasty way. I backed down then obviously as dd is here. Any time I call him out he has to shut me down or become intimidating.

He's so nasty all of a sudden

He's so nasty all of a sudden

It's not sudden at all, it's just the fog has lifted and you're seeing everything through a new lens where you recognise his behaviour for what it is - abusive.

It's painful but will also hopefully power you to expedite the process of ending the relationship.

The hotel room has been a nightmare too. I stood up to him and the way he was speaking to us

You say 'us' which I assume means he's speaking to the kids this way too?

I honestly couldn't look at him at this point. He's being unbearable.

I would say to find separate accommodation during this trip for you and the kids to be honest.

This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.

What do you think will happen if you don’t back down?

This gives me chills, OP. His modus operandi is exactly like my terrible ex: he’d do things like mid conversation deny his previous sentence then say “Are you accusing me of lying? That’s not what I said.” We once went on holiday and after the plane landed, I turned to him – I’d been looking out of the window – and said something about how pretty the sky was and he barked, “Terrible!” And just kept saying it on repeat while I got more and more confused and eventually he relented and went, “I’m answering the question you forgot to ask, ‘How was the flight for you?’”

Or he’d read the label on a bottle of wine and ponder what on earth it meant. I’d say and he’d go, “Well done, I knew but it’s interesting you felt you had to answer.” Just so much trickery and mind fuckery and pointless little verbal tests for no reason.

Take your newfound financial independence and make an escape plan. You might not be able to escape yet but just setting it as your goal is a mental breath of fresh air when you’re up against someone who hates you.

LTB ASAP. he is horrible. He’s on some sort of power trip.

@stuntbubbles so glad you got away.

I left my own abusive partner OP, 20 years ago. Life just got better and better. Free yourself and your DC. Sending you strength.

Well, what fuel had you used?

Are you married to my DH too!?

So many similarities, including the ramping up recently - although I haven't recently gained financial independence so that's not the potential cause here.

My DH is an absolute miserable git these days, and enjoys the whole word salad / creating spaghetti head. I've given up trying to understand him and engage as little as possible. It's not a marriage anymore - if it ever was.

At the moment I'm fairly detached and not getting sucked into his drama, last night he was desperate to draw me in, being offensive about things he knows will normally get a reaction, I got more satisfaction just letting him sit there making a fool out of himself.

That point is answered in the posts immediately following the one you have quoted, RedHelenB.

What nasty behaviour! Assume you've asked him why he's suddenly being more horrible than usual?

I know he has always been about 40% arsehole but it's ramped up and is a bit out of character.

I agree with PP's, definitely sounds like it's now you have more financial independence so he needs another way of giving you a lower place in the pecking order than him.

I'm too broken to see it for myself
I honestly can't imagine how anything else exists.

Oh but you are seeing it OP and you do know it. You don't necessarily need to see a different type of relationship modelled for you in the home to know this isn't right. We pick things up from all sorts of places. You know already, that's clear from what you've said. We might've reinforced what you thought but it hasn't taken much. You can have a healthy relationship eventually if you like (with someone else.) You aren't doomed. xx

I have dyslexia. This is not dyslexia. Don’t let him excuse his behaviour with that.

he wants you to behave in a certain way. If you don’t behave in that way you will be punished. If you do behave in the way he wants, he will change the way he wants you to behave so he can still punish you.

Dyslexics are very good at adapting verbally to hide their struggles on paper. He is not dyslexic.

OP, the scales are falling fast for you.

If I was being abused I would be so relieved to have so many solidly reliable poster's giving priceless advice.

@AttilaTheMeerkat writes it every time, I learn so much from her posts too.
@Clymene and @AgentJohnson ...so succinctly in her short post.

In essence, he's a REALLY nasty prick that just happens to be dyslexic.

You need to box clever.

He's a very very nasty piece of work.

Reach out to friends, family, Women's aid.

Shore up support.

Do not be sucked into fixing this prick.

You need to get organised financially so that you divorce him.

Don't let on at all.

Get your paperwork together.

Get legal advice.

Get out.

He is not a good man.

Be wary.
Plan.

Get away.

@RedHelenB the fuel that was in it. He had filled it up. Mind fuck

@CrystalCoco me too! I just scowled at dp at the weekend when he made a rude comment and walked off leaving him sitting there in the sports hall. He looked like a div and I enjoyed it greatly!

@rainbowstardrops yes I have. He makes out like he has no idea what I am talking about. Says I am starting an argument. Says I am always picking at everything he says and does.

When he is nice he is lovely. When he isn't he's a bastard

Him being dyslexic is not the issue here at all.

He's a contrary dickhead who is always spoiling for a fight and seems to take great pleasure in baiting and deliberately wrong-footing you. It is borderline gaslighting.

@blacksax oh 100% contrary. It's exhausting.