Correcting Partner

[RightsHoarder]

My partner uses completely the wrong words for many things. Not an issue really as I mostly know what he means.

However, lately he has started to get very annoyed if we get the wrong end of the stick.

If I get the wrong end of the stick and say it is because he used a different word, he gets really defensive and says everyone is always correcting him.

He is dyslexic. I don't know what to do with this new defensiveness.

He doesn't realise that words have meanings and they matter sometimes if context isn't clear. He doesn't always get words, but I hate walking on eggshells because I do.

Example - we are going away for the weekend and we were talking about the trip. This one is really silly and not a great example and I worked out what he was getting at but too late. He asked dd if she was grateful for being able to go. She has qualified in a competitive sport so she replied that she was grateful that she had the motivation to be able to qualify and was grateful for her physical abilities. He meant was she grateful for him working overtime to pay for the hotel. Because she didn't think he was talking about money, he thought she was ungrateful. I explained why she may have thought he meant grateful in a more general sense. He didn't use the wrong word but didn't realise the word had a broad meaning and isn't obviously specific.

I also think it's a bit weird to expect a 12 year old to think money first.

Not the most clear example but we have these odd conversations daily and I don't know how to approach it when it happens.

I couldn’t live like this…

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am starting to wonder if this is going to escalate. It's been a manageable level of annoying for 15 years, I don't understand why it's suddenly ramped up.

I'm blown away by the consistency in these responses. Clearly I need to see this for what it is. I have got the feeling lately that he doesn't like me. That's the overwhelming feeling currently. He's generally had a pattern of being defensive and feeling misunderstood and got at, but not towards me this much.

I have just got a job after being self employed for years as I couldn't cope with the comments when I spent money or needed to transfer money for bills. I love that I now have enough for bills and some left over. Maybe this is the issue. The new job has caused him to ramp it up.

Yep, I'd say that seems likely.

How horrible. Not just for you but for your daughter. She sounds like she's got a great attitude though.

This is a personality thing OP, not a dyslexia thing. I'm dyslexic however having done a huge amount of reading (and some study) on dyslexia, it has absolutely no impact on intelligence. In fact, a lot of dyslexic people are highly intelligent and are actually better at dealing with situations such as the one you describe, as we have had to deal with the stigma our whole lives. Put it this way. If your DP booked something for you to support you in your sport, would you feel comfortable if he said 'are you grateful that I've spent all this money on you?'. I certainly wouldn't. I simple 'darling say thanks to dad for booking this for you' would have sufficed, if she hadn't said thank you already. He shouldn't expect a 12 year old to show that amount of gratitude due to having spent some money on her. That's just what we do as parents.

The next thing OP is, what you're going to do about this....

@Clymene I have worked very very hard to instil a sense of extended family and friends amongst her extra curricular group and they are just lovely and so supportive of each other. She is shored up with these wonderful people, believe me, children and adults in her life who offer a community.

She sees it all but stands up to him. Not ideal but his crap doesn't wash with her.

@drpepperwhatstheworstthatcouldhappen thanks so much for your input. He is a very hands on person, smart in that way, but terrible in terms of emotional intelligence. Just can't empathise with people and can't accommodate people very easily. It's taken me so long to get a job as he is obstructive and we literally had to get into dire straits financially for him to support me.

@drpepperwhatstheworstthatcouldhappen no idea. I'm not in a position to do anything at the moment but I know what I need to do.

I just can't help but think this is such a weird sudden change that there might be something behind it. I know he has always been about 40% arsehole but it's ramped up and is a bit out of character.

I bet it is the job/money - especially because of the comment about being "grateful" to your daughter.
Maybe in his mind he sees relationships as quite transactional- he provides money, you provide caring. So you getting a job threatens that as you don't "need" him any more. He's responding by ramping up control in other ways

This is 100% his issue and he probably hasn't even realised why he's doing it though so I'm not sure talking to him will help

Rightshoarder

re your comment on him:
"Just can't empathise with people and can't accommodate people very easily. It's taken me so long to get a job as he is obstructive and we literally had to get into dire straits financially for him to support me"

So many red flags re him right there and its not out of character for him at all. This is who he really is. I think he has been abusive towards you throughout your entire relationship, he could not do enough for you in the beginning and perhaps love bombed you. Like so many abusers he has ramped up the power and control against you as his target over a long period of time until now where you're starting to properly see it. Do not blame yourself for not joining all the dots earlier because abusers play the long game, are master manipulators and give their target spaghetti head. Now you are earning more money his nose has again been put out of joint so is kicking off accordingly.

How can you be helped here into getting rid of your abuser?.

Your 12 year old is learning about relationships from you also and this is certainly not the model you want to be teaching her. You need a man who is 0% arsehole and you're likely someone who did not get the memo that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. BTW is your parents relationship similar to yours?

Abuse like this, and it is abuse, is insidious in its onset and comes creeping up on people unawares. I am certain he is nice sometimes but again that is all a part of the abuse too; the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme is a must do as such types can and do further wreak perhaps already weakened boundaries. I would read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft because your man may well be described in those pages.

re your daughter
"She sees it all but stands up to him. Not ideal but his crap doesn't wash with her".

But she is absorbing it all and seeing you as her mother remain for now anyway with this man. Should she be seeing this role model of a relationship, no and besides which what are you getting out of this relationship with your man?

I would think you've also stood up for yourself but abusive men see that as an additional challenge to bring their woman, who is seen as their possession, down.

@AdamRyan it does sound likely doesn't it? Monetary control has gone so he has to feel in control in other ways.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your message. I haven't been joining the dots and I have been more unstable than I have been in the last few years so am starting to see things.

My dad was identical to him. 100%. My mum struggled financially while he spent what he likes and withheld funds. Passive aggressive, stroppy. My sisters have left abusive relationships too.

I definitely have no idea that a relationship can exist that is not like this. I have never seen it modelled.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it has ramped up since I have been standing up for myself. I don't even do it in an antagonistic way. Just a simple - don't speak to me like that.

He has contempt for me when he speaks to me when he is annoyed.

It's taken me so long to get a job as he is obstructive and we literally had to get into dire straits financially for him to support me.

This is disgustingly controlling.

I think he's been controlling abusive for so long that you've become numb to it as his behaviour if shocking from the outside.

Please try to remember that your daughter is learning what a relationship looks like from you and your husband.

Even if you challenge him with your words, by staying with him you're teaching her that this dynamic is normal and acceptable.

It absolutely isn't. The longer you stay, the more likely it is that she will replicate this dynamic in her own relationships as a teen and adult.

This is a crucial time for her when it comes to relationships and male / female dynamics in particular.

Can you see how damaging it is?

My dad was identical to him. 100%. My mum struggled financially while he spent what he likes and withheld funds. Passive aggressive, stroppy. My sisters have left abusive relationships too.

I definitely have no idea that a relationship can exist that is not like this. I have never seen it modelled.

I'm so sorry this has been your experience

You can break this cycle before your daughter continues it, but you need to do it now especially due to her age.

Leaving him, getting plenty of counselling and not dating until you're comfortable being single so a partner is just a bonus, is far preferable to continuing the relationship.

Wouldn't it break your heart to see her replicate this relationship dynamic? Let that fuel you.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. We tend to repeat our "norm" and what is familiar and it is not sadly surprising that your sisters and you met men just like dear ol' dad. You will need to unlearn all the crap you've picked up about relationships along the way through therapy. Sadly too no-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know now.

One generation i.e you people have been profoundly affected by seeing your parents abusive relationship. Do not further give your dd that same set of relationship errors that went onto play a role in landing you and your sisters in relationships with abusive men.

Such men like your dad and this man you are with now hate women, ALL of them.

Your DD is also a person I am worried about because she could well go onto repeat the same crap relationships as you have.

@monsteramunch yes and I think this will be my motivation. I'm too broken to see it for myself but I can sort it out for her.

@monsteramunch thank you. It would destroy me to see her put up with this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat the horrible thing is they I don't believe there is any other way. I honestly can't imagine how anything else exists.

I just lost a whole post. It sounds a bit from your OP like word salad which abusive people use a deliberate tactic to confuse you and make you feel like you're going a little bit mad. See this article here

As pp have said, he will be ramping up his control and abusive behaviour if you are getting wise to it, and also if he feels insecure because you're getting successful and independent.