Lack of interest in sex

garden12 · 2022-11-10T10:45:40+00:00

Hi all, NC for this for obvious reasons. My DP doesn't seem that interested in sex with me - we've discussed it briefly and he doesn't see the issue, assures me he finds me attractive etc I'm just trying to get my head round it as I could probably compromise on the level of sex we have if I can get over the feeling of rejection and that it's something personal about me. Both early 40s and been together just over 6 months. Thoughts: *1) he's just not that into me* - however, as we've only been together a short time, have no ties (own houses, separate finances, no shared DC) so he could easily walk away. Also, he's very complimentary, talks about the future, over the last couple of months we've been meeting each others close family and friends. I'm meeting another of his friends this weekend. If he wasn't into me, I doubt he'd be doing all of this?! *2) he likes me but he doesnt enjoy sex with me* - if this was the case why would he stick around. Would a man settle in a relationship when he didn't enjoy the sex? *3) he has a low sex drive -* I think this is the most likely but he doesn't seem to think he does. What I'd really love to know is how often he had sex in previous relationships and how this compares to our relationship. I've not gone as far as along this question as it seems a bit too far but how do I know if it's to do with how he feels about me personally or just how he is in general? Everything else is absolutely perfect. We've been talking about Xmas together, holidays for next summer, he's made passing comments about when we live together etc Makes me think he's either just not that fussed about sex, or, he's settling for me cos everything else is going great and we get on really well. I have tried talking to him but he gets a bit awkward, insists he fancies me and that when we do have sex he does enjoy it. I feel very loved in other ways and it does feel like there's intimacy as he's very affectionate and tactile. My only other "crazy" thought is if he could be gay but sure there would be more signs than lack of sex?

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 11:56

Any advice?

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:12

I'm not sure. It does seem early days for sex to have dropped off to being irregular. How often are we talking here? We don't manage to fit it in very often, and it's not that I'm 'off' it as such iuswim.

Blossomandbee · 10/11/2022 12:13

Feeling rejected at 6 months in would be a deal breaker for me, it won't get any better.
It could be a number of things but you'll never know unless he tells you.
If he genuinely doesn't have or see a problem then you've probably just got incompatible sex drives.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/11/2022 12:17

How often do you have sex?

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:17

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:12

I'm not sure. It does seem early days for sex to have dropped off to being irregular. How often are we talking here? We don't manage to fit it in very often, and it's not that I'm 'off' it as such iuswim.

It's not even necessarily that it's dropped off tbh. He's never had loads of interest. At the beginning I thought he was making a point as I made a comment early on about a lot of men on OLD only being after one thing. I thought he was trying to prove he wasn't and I thought he was being really respectful.

It's usually one every week or 2 which would be fine if it was to do with not having the chance. However we spend a lot of nights/mornings together in bed and it's doesn't seem to cross his mind

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2022 12:20

Maybe he's having problems getting it up? Does he need Viagra? No shame in that, loads of men of all ages use it. Or should he see the doctor?

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:21

Blossomandbee · 10/11/2022 12:13

Feeling rejected at 6 months in would be a deal breaker for me, it won't get any better.
It could be a number of things but you'll never know unless he tells you.
If he genuinely doesn't have or see a problem then you've probably just got incompatible sex drives.

I'm not necessarily unsatisfied with our sex lives so there's not a huge mismatch in our sex drives as such. I'm more concerned as to why he isn't more interested and that's what I'm beginning to take personally.

We've just been away together for 4 days as a long weekend. A lot of lying around a hotel room, long lazy mornings with nowhere to go. He was very affectionate and tactile in bed but we only had sex once and at my instigation

I actually had an amazing time and enjoyed the sex. It's not an issue we didn't have more sex as such, I'm just wondering why he's not interested and whether or not it's me

OP posts:

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:22

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2022 12:20

Maybe he's having problems getting it up? Does he need Viagra? No shame in that, loads of men of all ages use it. Or should he see the doctor?

He doesn't seem to have ever had an issue. Usually when he instigates it's clearly been on his mind as he's already hard. When I instigate it can take a few mins but nothing different from what I've experienced with exes

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:23

TBH we don't DTD more often than that, but obs this is about you, not me. What would happen if you initiated it, on a morning neither of you were rushed? Or would that feel risky for you?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:24

Cross post.

Toomanysleepycats · 10/11/2022 12:25

You are probably right about the low libido, but I believe there can be problems if a man has or used to watch a lot of porn. Because online porn can be very extreme, doing it IRL can seem rather tame so there’s not enough thrill/excitement for him to get an erection and keep it.

There’s another thing called the “death grip” Please look it up, I don’t feel up to describing it.

He may be on some medication that causes low libido, antidepressants are famous for this.

Or he may have performance issues, Erectile dysfunction etc, and this puts him off. Sometimes alcohol can impair performance, so if you feel rejected after a nice boozy evening, this could be the problem.

One point I would add, thinking in the long term if it is that he does just have a low sex drive. You know yourself and how strong your libido is. Often in a LTR, the female sex drive drops and a bone of contention is that the male always wants more sex. If you can see this happening, then after a while you may find your libidos more evenly matched.

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:38

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:23

TBH we don't DTD more often than that, but obs this is about you, not me. What would happen if you initiated it, on a morning neither of you were rushed? Or would that feel risky for you?

Tbh this level of sex would be fine for me in a LTR. I guess I've got 2 concerns, if this is how it is after 6 months will it dwindle even more? And, I'm used to being in relationships where there is a period where you just can't get enough of each other and I'm more confused that this hasn't happened this time and wondering if it's personal or not

OP posts:

OldFan · 10/11/2022 12:38

I agree with you, I think he just doesn't have a massive sex drive. Once or twice a week isn't an extremely low amount of sex. I would probably not want more than that. Which doesn't make your own libido wrong, just different to his.

OldFan · 10/11/2022 12:40

For me also I'm not horny in the morning. Ever. So if someone were to expect anything then, they'd be permanently disappointed.

bonzaitree · 10/11/2022 12:40

When you have sex is it satisfying for you?

bonzaitree · 10/11/2022 12:41

Tbh I'd be happy with once per week satisfying sex, but then that's me.

Chomolungma · 10/11/2022 12:42

From the information you've given, it sounds to me more like option 3 than the other two options.

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:43

OldFan · 10/11/2022 12:38

I agree with you, I think he just doesn't have a massive sex drive. Once or twice a week isn't an extremely low amount of sex. I would probably not want more than that. Which doesn't make your own libido wrong, just different to his.

It's once every week or 2, rather than twice a week. It's rare for us to have sex more than twice a fortnight and sometimes only once.

I'd actually be perfectly happy with this long term. I'm more confused that there's been no initial period where we had a lot more sex

OP posts:

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 12:48

bonzaitree · 10/11/2022 12:41

Tbh I'd be happy with once per week satisfying sex, but then that's me.

Yeah it is definitely satisfying. I guess it's the fact it can be once every 2 weeks at times when everything is still so new, and always me instigating

Being away for 4 nights and only having sex once is probably what's stuck out to me as being strange.

I think if I knew he'd be happy with this level of sex in every relationship then I'd be happy. It's more the fact that there's been times where I've been lying there in my sexiest underwear and he's been affectionate but not wanted more.

It's more that it's not aligned to what I'm used to rather than it being a problem

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:48

Well, I suppose the only test of will it dwindle more, is seeing what the situation is in 6 months, for example. We hear a lot about early stage relationships where people can't get enough of each other, but this is presumably anecdotal? There must be relationships where it doesn't happen as often and just remains constant? I wouldn't take it personally, though that's easy to say. If the sex is good when you have it, maybe it might not be a dealbreaker to remain at the same level of sex? If the relationship is good enough in other ways. Only you know that, and if you want to invest more time to see how it goes.

Firesideassembly · 10/11/2022 12:53

We've just been away together for 4 days as a long weekend. A lot of lying around a hotel room, long lazy mornings with nowhere to go. He was very affectionate and tactile in bed but we only had sex once and at my instigation

I think this is a bit unusual six months in to a relationship tbh. I think most couples would be much more sexually active when away (assuming that you don’t have young dc or aren’t training to be doctors or something equally challenging).

Are you communicating clearly with him op that you would like more sex?

I know it’s early on in the relationship but if you are happy in all other ways, surely it is worth overcoming embarrassment and speaking to him again about this? And it seems a good time to ask if you are meeting one another’s families etc.

Go for a walk so you are not facing one another. Use lots of “I” statements. Be complimentary but be honest. And ask from the point of you being insecure and not knowing if it’s you doing something wrong or something else? You could ask how he is enjoying things first.

If this is a porn issue then him abstaining from it could potentially improve things. You could even tell him you are feeling a bit sexually frustrated and see how he acts in response to that. Approach everything very gently though so he doesn’t feel defensive or attacked.

Six months is too early in a relationship to feel rejected! And you really need to know if he is hiding something.

notmyrealmoniker · 10/11/2022 13:00

Talk to him about it then decide if it's enough for you for the rest of your life

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 13:19

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/11/2022 12:48

Well, I suppose the only test of will it dwindle more, is seeing what the situation is in 6 months, for example. We hear a lot about early stage relationships where people can't get enough of each other, but this is presumably anecdotal? There must be relationships where it doesn't happen as often and just remains constant? I wouldn't take it personally, though that's easy to say. If the sex is good when you have it, maybe it might not be a dealbreaker to remain at the same level of sex? If the relationship is good enough in other ways. Only you know that, and if you want to invest more time to see how it goes.

Thanks! It definitely be happy with things as they are as long as i know it's not personal.

It's less that I'm unhappy with our sex lives and more that I'm concerned it's something he doesn't find attractive about me, or that he doesn't rate the sex. I can't think why he'd continue if it was either of those things though, unless he's at the stage of his life where he feels he needs to compromise in order to settled down.

OP posts:

Original poster

garden12 · 10/11/2022 13:22

Firesideassembly · 10/11/2022 12:53

We've just been away together for 4 days as a long weekend. A lot of lying around a hotel room, long lazy mornings with nowhere to go. He was very affectionate and tactile in bed but we only had sex once and at my instigation

I think this is a bit unusual six months in to a relationship tbh. I think most couples would be much more sexually active when away (assuming that you don’t have young dc or aren’t training to be doctors or something equally challenging).

Are you communicating clearly with him op that you would like more sex?

I know it’s early on in the relationship but if you are happy in all other ways, surely it is worth overcoming embarrassment and speaking to him again about this? And it seems a good time to ask if you are meeting one another’s families etc.

Go for a walk so you are not facing one another. Use lots of “I” statements. Be complimentary but be honest. And ask from the point of you being insecure and not knowing if it’s you doing something wrong or something else? You could ask how he is enjoying things first.

If this is a porn issue then him abstaining from it could potentially improve things. You could even tell him you are feeling a bit sexually frustrated and see how he acts in response to that. Approach everything very gently though so he doesn’t feel defensive or attacked.

Six months is too early in a relationship to feel rejected! And you really need to know if he is hiding something.

Great advice thanks. I feel like I've been trying to ask him in a roundabout way and he doesn't seem to think there are any issues

I guess I'm conscious of turning something into an issue if it doesn't need to be. I.e, we could both be happy with how things currently are if I know this is how he is in general rather than how he is with me

OP posts:

bonzaitree · 10/11/2022 13:27

Have you had an honest discussion with him about it?

I know it can be hard to say what you think for fear is upsetting someone but having this chat now may help you understand each other better