Lack of interest in sex

[garden12]

Hi all,

NC for this for obvious reasons. My DP doesn't seem that interested in sex with me - we've discussed it briefly and he doesn't see the issue, assures me he finds me attractive etc

I'm just trying to get my head round it as I could probably compromise on the level of sex we have if I can get over the feeling of rejection and that it's something personal about me.

Both early 40s and been together just over 6 months.

Thoughts:
1) he's just not that into me - however, as we've only been together a short time, have no ties (own houses, separate finances, no shared DC) so he could easily walk away. Also, he's very complimentary, talks about the future, over the last couple of months we've been meeting each others close family and friends. I'm meeting another of his friends this weekend. If he wasn't into me, I doubt he'd be doing all of this?!
2) he likes me but he doesnt enjoy sex with me - if this was the case why would he stick around. Would a man settle in a relationship when he didn't enjoy the sex?
3) he has a low sex drive - I think this is the most likely but he doesn't seem to think he does. What I'd really love to know is how often he had sex in previous relationships and how this compares to our relationship. I've not gone as far as along this question as it seems a bit too far but how do I know if it's to do with how he feels about me personally or just how he is in general?

Everything else is absolutely perfect. We've been talking about Xmas together, holidays for next summer, he's made passing comments about when we live together etc

Makes me think he's either just not that fussed about sex, or, he's settling for me cos everything else is going great and we get on really well.

I have tried talking to him but he gets a bit awkward, insists he fancies me and that when we do have sex he does enjoy it.

I feel very loved in other ways and it does feel like there's intimacy as he's very affectionate and tactile.

My only other "crazy" thought is if he could be gay but sure there would be more signs than lack of sex?

Nothing you've said about him would make me question his attraction to you. He sounds enthusiastic about the relationship, affectionate in general and happy to move things forward and integrate you into his life. So I think the simplest explanation is that his sex drive is just naturally low and that is independent of your relationship.

I'm a bit like him myself. I crave physical affection in the form of hugs, cuddles etc but sex i'm just not bothered about. It just doesn't cross my mind unless my partner initiates. My desire is in no way correlated with my love for my partner or my attraction to him.

Maybe he's got reactive desire? Less common in men, but still a possible explanation.

This is really what I'm hoping @RandomMusings7

If this is the case, the one negative (for me personally) is well out weighted by the good. I've just been through so much that I'm always assuming the worst.

This. I'm the same as I crave non sexual affection much more than I crave sex. And I also have a very low libido. It doesn't mean that I am not attracted to my partner or don't love him.

OP I think your partner is attracted to you but has a low sex drive. There are some men that have low libidos, and it has nothing to do with their partners or anything else. I would love a partner like this but if you are worried about it now, it's going to constantly be an issue because someone with a low libido is not going to magically have a high one just because you express how you feel about this situation. It will increase for a while then go back to his normal. The only thing to do is leave or accept things as they are now, as it wont change. Also I'd take great, high quality sex every other week than lots of low quality sex every week 😂

@Sunnytwobridges and @RandomMusings7
Thanks for sharing! If this is the way he is, I could happily be with him.
I'm starting to realise that part of the issue might be my own securities making me think it's personal

Nearly 30 years of this and it's soul destroying. I feel I could have had a better life

My answer is he naturally has a low sex drive.

You either 1) compromise and adjust waiting when he is ready or 2) find another man who you are more sexually compatible with to be completely sexually satisfied.

*He naturally has a medium to low sex drive.

Low is once a month or less.

Just six months into a relationship you definitely shouldn't be experiencing a lack of interest - quite the opposite in fact.

This is the best it's going to get OP. It'll dwindle in time.

At 6 months in, it's hitting the sack every change I get tbh and no way could I settle for feeling rejected so early on.

Question you have to ask yourself, is would you be happy for this to be as good as it gets?

Porn.

@gamerchick as soppy as it sounds I'm mad about him and my biggest concern is if it's mutual.

The only thing that's making me doubt it's mutual is his lack of interest.

If his feelings towards me are mutual and he has a lower sex drive than what I'm used to then, amazing sex once every week or 2 would be fine for me long term

I wondered this but someone else said to me that men that watch a lot of porn are usually wanting real life sex all the time too?!

We have discussed porn and from what he's said it doesn't seem to be an issue or an out of control habit...:but not many men would admit if it was?!

But that's my point. This is the honeymoon period. The part where you can't wait to get into bed. It doesn't last. What does general, comfortable, been with each other a while look like?

So if this is the honeymoon phase and it’s 1-2 time a month, will you be happy with 4-6 a year? I’ve no idea if he’s upping his game or not but you realistically know sex is usually more frequent early in a relationship.

If this is his honeymoon, are you ok it’s always you approaching him because it’s not on his radar moving forward… for years? Honestly he’s not a child, he knows his sex drive so you need to talk and hope you are both aligned /accepting moving forward

Hi OP.
im a man and about a decade older than your partner & I do tend to agree with the posters above, the quantity of sex is about as high as will ever be right now.
In the 1st 6 months I would have expected sex daily ( even at my age) TBH and dropping to 1/2 week after a while once you get into the relationship it way well be you who has keeps the sex life going ( which personally I think is not a bad thing).

Do you know if he has ever had his testosterone levels checked?
, I read that you spend mornings in bed and he doesn’t jump on you? does he wake up with an erection or get night time erections ?

It may be that his natural testosterone level is a bit lower than would be expected for someone his age, or he just doesn’t think about sex much, so you might have to do the thinking and initiating if the rest of the relationship is good.

@NoDatingForOldMen now that you mention it, there's only once that I've noticed he had an erection first thing in the morning but we were both rushing about to get ready for work that day

We usually stay over together 2-4 nights a week so it's not every night

I do wonder about the testosterone.

It's quite common that he seems to feel tired and run down but I've always thought this was an excuse as he only ever mentions it as we're getting into bed

I'm starting to realise that part of the issue might be my own securities making me think it's personal

you’re already starting to blame yourself!

@garden12
If you can afford it take a look at one of Numan blood tests,

welcome.numan.com/blood-test-health-check/ppc-fn-core/?pc=mot30

It's who he is, he maybe like this all the time, sex may drop off from this level. Sex fluctuating is normal once the newness disappears anyway.

This won’t improve sadly. I was in a relationship like this and it
went to once a year!!! I didn’t want the brother sister thing so I left . Good luck xxxxx