Lack of interest in sex

[garden12]

Hi all,

NC for this for obvious reasons. My DP doesn't seem that interested in sex with me - we've discussed it briefly and he doesn't see the issue, assures me he finds me attractive etc

I'm just trying to get my head round it as I could probably compromise on the level of sex we have if I can get over the feeling of rejection and that it's something personal about me.

Both early 40s and been together just over 6 months.

Thoughts:
1) he's just not that into me - however, as we've only been together a short time, have no ties (own houses, separate finances, no shared DC) so he could easily walk away. Also, he's very complimentary, talks about the future, over the last couple of months we've been meeting each others close family and friends. I'm meeting another of his friends this weekend. If he wasn't into me, I doubt he'd be doing all of this?!
2) he likes me but he doesnt enjoy sex with me - if this was the case why would he stick around. Would a man settle in a relationship when he didn't enjoy the sex?
3) he has a low sex drive - I think this is the most likely but he doesn't seem to think he does. What I'd really love to know is how often he had sex in previous relationships and how this compares to our relationship. I've not gone as far as along this question as it seems a bit too far but how do I know if it's to do with how he feels about me personally or just how he is in general?

Everything else is absolutely perfect. We've been talking about Xmas together, holidays for next summer, he's made passing comments about when we live together etc

Makes me think he's either just not that fussed about sex, or, he's settling for me cos everything else is going great and we get on really well.

I have tried talking to him but he gets a bit awkward, insists he fancies me and that when we do have sex he does enjoy it.

I feel very loved in other ways and it does feel like there's intimacy as he's very affectionate and tactile.

My only other "crazy" thought is if he could be gay but sure there would be more signs than lack of sex?

We had one discussion about a month ago. He was talking about how well he felt things were going and said a lot of nice things but nothing about sex or finding me sexually attractive etc

I basically agreed with everything he said but said that while all of those things are great I think it's also important that we're sexually attracted to each other, otherwise there's a risk of it being a really good friendship.

He seemed a bit taken aback and said of course he is and how could it not be obvious by the amount of physical affection (there is A LOT of non sexual physical contact, way more than I'm used to). I said I wasn't sure because he didn't seem as interested in having sex as I'd expect and he said that he doesn't feel we need to have sex every night we see each other. He seemed a bit defensive but I thought I'd maybe hurt his feelings. Since then he's always telling me he fancies me etc. He also makes a lot of sexual comments and grabs my bum (in a playful way) which he thinks demonstrates he feels this way. I'm just not sure why it doesn't translate to full sex?!

God you're both early 40's not 22! By then you know how much sex you want in a relationship, I'm in my 40's and I know i don't want sex more than once a week and I'm not going to put on a performance like I would have once to be having sex at the drop of a hat to try and prove something.

I'd say he just likes quality over quantity (my sort of bloke) and the issue lies with you and your expectations/assumptions maybe ask yourself why you need him to be trying to shag your brains out every minute at the beginning of a relationship to feel worthwhile. Also how would you feel if he did do that and then it dropped off to the amount of times he really wanted - you'd then start wondering why he suddenly hardly wanted any sex after constantly seeming to want it before. So he can't win really.

You're seriously over thinking this, unless there's a mismatch of sex drives - which there doesn't seem to be - you need to just enjoy it and see where it goes.

@garden12
I am it sure you are overthinking it.

I guess the main thing I find as being off is that he thinks (or pretends to think) - that sex once every two weeks is normal, rather than being on the lower end of libido.

Surely he had other partners that expressed opinions and preferences. And he is aware of people and sex in general.
He is, of course, entitled to his own low libido - it’s not being able to talk about it.

The other thing is that he doesn’t have an issue with elections. And that when he initiates he is already hard. You take it as him finally being horny, The cynic in me wonders if more is going on.

What I do know os that nothing of this is related to you. Whatever issues or secret links he has - are all his. Your attractiveness is not an issue here.

Personally, I guess I could maybe work around issues - if my libido wasn’t high either. But I could NOT deal with lack of open communication and being able to discuss these issues without defensiveness, etc.

At early 40s - it is way to early to give up on sex, at least for me. Plus - many women experience a huge surge of libido in peri - …
Just saying …..

Why do you think you need to settle for him and adjust your life/desires? You aren’t old yet. If you want to have sex - find someone who also does.
You are only 6mo in.

I suppose you can only see how the frequency goes over time @garden12 .

As to you thinking it might be personal and him not attracted to you, I'm sure that's not the case. If he didn't find you attractive he would've dumped you by now.

How is he in other areas OP, does he pay on dates for example, doe he make as many arrangement as you or instigate what you do together, that kind of thing

I do feel for you. My previous relationship was like this....it lasted 18 months. Not his fault at all, he just didn't see the need for sex more than once in a while. He was lovely and we got on but I just felt rejected as I realised I had a bigger sex drive than him and loved expressing how I felt about him through making love. It became a bit of an issue for me so made a brave decision to realise it wasn't going to get better and could I live with this for ever...the answer was to leave. I am now with an equally matched person who has the same sex drive as me (at least twice a week)....and together we can express how we feel through this. It really is important for me to have this to be connected and feel wanted and attractive. Myself and my partner are in our late 50's by the way so age has nothing to do with waining sex drive. We've been together for nearly 2 years now.

You’re always the one instigating it? This would be like Chinese water torture to the self esteem - drip...drip...drip.

Everything else is perfect. He arranges dates, always offers to pay (I do insist on paying sometimes), cooks, puts in loads of effort, full of compliments, lots of practical help around the house etc.

Met family and friends, planning a holiday, seeing each other at Christmas.

It's obvious we both have the teenage loved up feeling....people have even commented on how happy we both seem when out together

The last few times but not always to be fair

I almost get the impression it's not something that even crosses his mind most of the time.

He's quite full on physically but in a touchy feely way rather than sexual

This sounds like overthinking. You're comparing yourself to imaginary and hypothetical other relationships rather than accepting him, and this relationship, for what it is.

If it was a mismatched libido (he wants sex once a fortnight, you want it every day) then I would say that's just incompatibility and you should move on. But if this is actually both the quality and quantity you're happy with... there isn't really a problem.

The concept of a man who isn't in a state of permanent horniness is something MN struggles to comprehend. We find it easy to understand that we're not rejecting someone when we don't feel like having sex for whatever reason, so why don't we believe it of men?

I'd actually find it a bit weird if a man wanted to jump my bones every time he saw me in sexy underwear.

In which case i will try to talk to him about it, but it seems you have tried and he has reacted to it to try to show you but its not filling the void you have. Do you have shared friends that you could confide in and maybe they can approach it better with him.

Do you have shared friends that you could confide in and maybe they can approach it better with him

DON’T DO THAT!!!

I have a similar dynamic in my relationship,gf (F49)is extremely highly sexed after coming out of a very dry marriage and as much as I love her to bits Im (M52) not actually that bothered sexually-Literally every kiss or hug would turn into something sexual if she had her way which tbh I find extremely unrealistic and a bit tiresome. Its no reflection on her as I find her incredibly attractive,but we have very different lifestyles and stress-levels,whenever we do get it on its amazing but a couple of times a week is enough for me,which she really struggles with. We do talk a lot about it,her logic is as its usually amazing we should do lots more of it but for me its better because we dont do it very often.
It is the elephant in our room but not insurmountable hopefully

I think 6 months in, this is a full on as it's ever going to be, and is likely to dwindle significantly as he gets more comfortable.

It's certainly possible that he's making MORE effort now than he actually wants to, in order to give you what he knows you want.

You said it seems like it just doesn't occur to him, which if his libido is very low, it most probably wouldn't.

Are you going to be happy if it declines to once a month, then once every 3 months, then a pity shag once a year on your birthday?

Yep ^^ do not do this !

For him, his drive is his sex drive - that’s just his natural level you are seeing, it might be a bit lower than some & more than others, sounds like you are okay with that right now

I don’t know.
If sex doesn’t really cross his mind in the loved-up teenage early phase of your relationship - what will it be 1, 3, 5 years in. Do you want to close up shop by 50 - because it seems like it’s where it is going.

Of course - no one expects him to want to jump you every time he sees you. But at early 40s - this is quite low, libido wise. And defensiveness about it isn’t a good sign.
It also seems he is overcompensating in other areas, and I do wonder if more is going on that he isn’t telling you.

You seem like you really want to be in a relationship, so willing to accept this without questioning, Why is that? Have you been on your own too long? Do you think you can’t meet anyone better than him?

It is, of course your life and you can make any choices that make you happy.
But mismatched libido relationships rarely end well. You can suppress yours for w while; but it will eat away at you. And - this is best case - if no revelation of secret kinks, etc come out.
If you are going into this - at least do it with your eyes open. Ask him about his previous relationship and how sex used to be. And when he got to this level. If it’s always been this way - at least you’ll know.

You are simply not compatible.

It is obvious that this bothers you so why continue with a relationship that is never going to work out?

He either is not really interested in sex in general or he is not enjoy enjoying doing it with you.

Move on. He is never going to change.

@Toomanysleepycats
Do you have any information on this ´death grip´? And I mean proper academic sources not just ´I read it on mumsnet´?

@Specialized101

You are 10 years older than OP’s bf. And you talk about ‘not being bothered about sex’ and having it twice a week.
Her bf is younger than you by a decade and they do it ONCE every two weeks. And this is early in a relationship.
By your age - it’s highly likely he will not bother at all.
And - you and your partner actually are able to discuss your sex life.

I am sure OP would be happy with your ‘low frequency’ - which sounds more along the lines of what many people in their 40/50s seem to do.

This could be me and my DH, but the other way around. DH would have sex everyday if he could. I have to really battle with myself to have sex with him. I used to have a high sex drive too but with two young DC, working and battling with anxiety and depression I could easily never do it tbh!

Im telling you this because I adore my DH and find him really attractive, I just can’t be arsed. Maybe your DH feels the same?

I missed that this is such a new relationship, I’d expect this to get worse not better. Maybe he just genuinely has a low drive.

OP, I’m really sorry to say, but I don’t think this sounds good. It happened to me — bc of age we both wanted it to work, and we stayed together far too long. The issue for me was that whenever I tried to talk about it, he would say he loved it and “yeah let’s do it more!” Then reject me when it was time. The excuses too became more sophisticated I think. Things like, “oh, I had been thinking YOU didn’t want it because x y z”. You could do two things: 1. Sit down with him and ask if he’s happy with the amount of sex you’re having. (BTW If his suggestion to spice things up is very in his favour eg blow jobs, anything you are doing on him… that’s a red flag for a manipulative personality.) Don’t get up until you’ve really talked about it. You’re not a teenager. 6 months in your 40s is serious.
option 2. Is to accept that you don’t need to know what he is thinking — you would like more intimacy, or you wouldn’t be here asking about it. Note that I’m almost certain that your lack of sex is also a lack of intimacy… ie him looking at you adoringly, wanting to cuddle and kiss and touch you. I’ve found that life can be full of loss… that’s life. But to counter balance it we need to choose joy at every turn, even if it feels like the bigger risk (note: I think actually it isn’t!). Good luck.

Just saw your post about him being touchy feely OP. It actually worries me you describe your relationship as perfect — that’s just not realistic and in my experience the men who have at times been most “perfect” have been the most manipulative (including my ex) — they are really good at turning it on in the beginning to get what they want. And a lot of men just want a partner to lubricate the gears of life.

I probably shouldn't have used the word "perfect" - it's obviously not perfect if I'm posting here about the sex.

I mean in all other aspects we seem perfect for each other - no relationship is perfect. This aside it's probably the most compatible I've felt with someone inc. my exH

Obviously we have our differences and disagreements but apart from this one topic we're actually good at communicating.

If everything else wasn't so good I wouldn't stick around. However if it's not personal and he has a low libdo then I'd be a bit more relaxed. Sex once every 1-2 weeks wouldn't be a deal breaker for me