Help me word a condolences msg to NC sister pls

[thenotsoeviltwin]

As per title, short story is been NC with sis for 8 years due to her nasty behaviour.
Her DH has died suddenly today. I've never met him but feel sad he died and sad for sis despite our differences.
Family have asked me to make contact to offer condolences.
I need to send a short polite msg saying sorry but without inviting any contact.
Really really struggling with wording msg, any suggestions welcome.

”I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I hope that time brings you comfort and peace.” @thenotsoeviltwin

Perfect

If she went NC with you please don't send anything.
However if it was you who went NC @Fraaahnces response is good but still expect it not to go down well with her

Will she want to hear from you? She’s going through something horrific, contact from someone who never met him and who she hasn’t spoken to in so long may not be helpful right now. Don’t be pushed to send something by other people, they don’t know what she’d want. Any message risks causing her more pain, making it about you, and you don’t intend to follow up with normal contact so it’ll look insincere and intrusive.

I’d leave it.

Tend to agree with this, tricky one..

I've been nc with my mother for over 10 years.

I wouldn't send anything.

I think if someone was no contact with me but then popped up when I suffered a tragedy, I'd be really pissed off. I'd leave it if I were you.

If you agree it's the right thing to do then the suggested message is good. I would say send a card rather than a text or online message (that may have already been your plan). Less inviting of a response.

If you agree it's the right thing to do then the suggested message is good. I would say send a card rather than a text or online message (that may have already been your plan). Less inviting of a response.

This. It would add to my hurt and upset.

Be careful. If you want to stay NC, don't give her the impression the door has reopened. You'll hurt her more in the long run. The same with a formal message. Nothing at all is better than something that falls short of the warmth you might have otherwise shown, as it simply underlines the state of the relationship.
Personally I'd ask a relative who was in contact to pass on your condolences verbally if it seems appropriate.

Who initiated NC? I am NC with people in my family (I initiated NC ) and wouldn't want to hear from them under any circumstances.
If somebody went NC with me and sent me a message years later, I would end up agonising about a reply. I would feel weird about not sending a thank you but I also wouldn't want to get an earful for contacting them too. I would ask a neutral third person to mention that I was sad to hear their sad news but remain NC.

Tricky one , in my opinion nc means just that , but if it means keeping the peace with other family members then I'd send the message suggested by the pp.

Don’t send anything. You’re no contact with your sister, you didn’t know her husband and frankly if I was her, it would cause upset if you decided to pop up at such a sad time, just to make yourself feel better.

Family have asked me to make contact to offer condolences.

You are NC with your sister for your own good reasons.
Your family don't get to instruct you to break that NC.

Don't write to her, & don't send any verbal messages via family either. That way leads to Flying Monkeys ...

If the choice to go NC is yours, then the choice to stay NC under all circumstances is also yours. You don't have to send anything.

If you feel that you have to, because of family pressure, then I would send a card with a suitable message already printed inside and just sign your name, or if the card is blank a simple sentence, such as 'I am so sorry for your loss' or 'I was very sorry to hear about the death of [husband's name]'.

I agree with the majority of PP's.

I have been no contact with any of my family for 30 years. Most have died during this time - found out via the internet - but I never sent anything and I most definitely wouldn't want to hear from any of them in similar circumstances.

If you are happier with your life since going NC, OP, then leave things as they are would be my advice.

I'd write something a bit more humane and personal than the message suggested above. Something like:

Dear X,
I know we have chosen not to stay in contact and I promise I will continue to respect that, but Mum and Dad let me know your terribly sad news about your husband. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. That is a tragic thing to happen and I wish it hadn't happened to you. You are in my thoughts. I hope you have all the support you need around you and that life gets better for you in time.

I agree with this I think.

Your intentions are good but to do this would be to intrude on her grief and add a new worry to her already difficult time as she'll wonder whether she has to reply, whether you want to re-establish contact more etc.

Agreed. I'd feel you were piggybacking on my greed and making it about you.

If they went NC with you, you could send the card but do not expect a response or any positivity toward it. It sounds like you do not want to open the door anyway.
If you went NC with them, don't be a hypocrite - you will have had your reasons but if they did not understand them, you are being cruel to feign concern at this time.
NC=NC. Otherwise you are reopening wounds.

Yeah it's tricky. I know it seems like you should but she could be cross or expect you to fully re-establish a relationship and then get cross when you keep strict boundaries.

The thing about being NC is ... if you break it for any reason at all - it was never really NC, was it?

"That's it! I'm never speaking to X again. Unless her husband dies / I see her at Auntie Mabel's 80th / I need to borrow a cup of sugar ..."

Breaking NC is bad for both parties, no matter who is objectively/subjectively at fault. It just means all the bad stuff in your head resurfaces - when the entire point of NC is to get that stuff OUT of your head.

The OP is NC with her sister because of her sister's 'nasty behaviour'. That suggestion makes no sense and it is only in her thoughts because her family ae putting pressure on her to send something.

I wouldn't contact my mother if her partner died and, since going no contact, my dad has died and I got divorced.

I can categorically state that I would not have wanted to hear from my mother in either of those circumstances! It would have made already difficult times far worse.

The respectful thing to do would be to stay quiet.

Very well said.