Help me word a condolences msg to NC sister pls

[thenotsoeviltwin]

As per title, short story is been NC with sis for 8 years due to her nasty behaviour.
Her DH has died suddenly today. I've never met him but feel sad he died and sad for sis despite our differences.
Family have asked me to make contact to offer condolences.
I need to send a short polite msg saying sorry but without inviting any contact.
Really really struggling with wording msg, any suggestions welcome.

I think you’ve made a mistake in contacting her. However I think you have done so because deep down you are scared that she will hold it over you if you didn’t contact her

very worrying dynamic and even if this person has apologised and is pretending to be nice, sorry etc in all likelihood they’ll not change anytime soon!

Sent a card instead. You're actually quite accurate, she's not going to change.
And she will hold it against me.

I disagree with most people, it seems. She clearly has regrets if she's tried to make amends. So it doesn't seem to me that hearing from you will be unwelcome in the way that others might perceive it. I would send the slightly warmer of the suggested messages in a card. That does not mean that you have to open up any further channel of communication, but I think it's the humane thing to do.

Bear in mind that every NC is different. Many people on here have gone NC it seems, but their backgrounds and present situations are not yours. And their other family members are not yours.
Threads like these will quite understandably bring out those still holding a lot of anger, but their advice might not be relevant to your situation.

I think you’re probably right that anything you say has the potential to set her off. That’s why I made the message entirely about the sister and had nothing remotely personal about OP and her feelings. It’s just enough to say, “There, I did it and I put a lot of thought into it.” (And keep family off her back) and if sis blows up, it’s on her.

@saraclara humane is what I'm aiming for. PP seem to have angry experiences of NC, mine is sad but I've accepted it and moved on.
@Fraaahnces thats why I liked your comment, its about her. I've sent a card saying that so its done. Undoubtedly sis will blow up, but there we are.
thank you

I've been NC with my mother for years. Her husband is much older than her and has many health problems (and is an absolute nasty bastard). I won't be contacting her when he dies.

I don't understand how you can simultaneously aim for humane" AND know that the mere fact of sending a card will make the recipient "blow up".

You chose to go NC, which no matter the offence, would have hurt/dismayed your sister. That's what you needed to do at that time, & I believe you - but by reneging on it now, all you are doing is causing a 'blow up' & resetting your sister's pain at the NC to zero. Right after her bereavement.

I can only conjecture that you sent the card so you can sell yourself the notion that you're the good guy here. The "humane" sister. It would have been more humane to let it go. But ... it's done now. Don't blame your sister if there are repercussions.

There is no easy answer here. Maybe sister will take it badly (though she appears to have given the rest of the family the opposite impression). But also, losing her husband suddenly and NOT hearing anything from her sister might make her blow up.

My instinct is that it's better to blow up over a considerate gesture, than over the hurt of her sibling not recognising her loss and grief at all.

Don’t message her.

Haven’t read all the responses but as someone who is NC with toxic in-laws, I think certain situations might call for a slight ‘all bets are temporarily off’ approach. Whilst I would probably be irritated at them sending a card in the wake of a tragedy, I would also appreciate it was a humane gesture, and might do the same in reverse…

Could you acknowledge that you're nc in your wording. Eg

"I wasn't sure if it was right to reach out or not, but I wanted to pass on how sorry I am to hear of x passing. I will respect your privacy but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. "

No contact means no contact.

I wouldnt send anything, especially because you didn't know him.

I can only conjecture that you sent the card so you can sell yourself the notion that you're the good guy here
The problem is - even if OP is the good guy - and her "evil twin" deserved to be cancelled: by sending the card you have sent a mixed message that you actually give a shit what she thinks or how she feels. She is hurt, has already tried to reconcile, is grieving and raw...so will take any scraps as false hope. However narcissistic and selfish she may be, that's really unfair to do that to anyone, even your worst enemy.

No contact, realistically rather than literally, means whatever the person involved wants it to. It can be permanent, or it can be temporary. It might involve being in the same place at the same time occasionally, and only minimally acknowledging each other (say, at a funeral). And it can mean behaving like a human being and acknowledging, in the briefest and remote of ways, someone's sudden and shocking bereavement.

It's not up to anyone here to dictate what anyone else's NC should look like. That's projecting and controlling. Everyone's situation is different, and their way of managing it doesn't demean yours.

If I got a card from someone..my sister who hadn't spoken to me for 8 years and still didn't want to...I'd just throw it away. It's meaningless....done to make them feel that they're doing the right thing.

If she dies before you, will you go to her funeral because family tell you too? Absolute nonsense IMO.

From someone is NC with several family members and has been this way for close to ten years. (To keep myself and my children physically and mentally safe and other very valid reasons) you absolutely CAN be NC and still care - especially when something like this happens in the life of the person with whom you are NC. It is not an insincere gesture and it is not an invitation to re-open any lines of communication. It is exactly what it is - simply a message of genuine condolence.

I think there's more than a whiff of virtue signalling from you here and you've piggybacking on her grief and loss to achieve it. Not cool.

Don't send anything, this is not the time . You would be trying to make this about your feelings and are still
Looking for some sort of validation from her by sending a message .

Leave it ... its her grief don't impose on it .

I agree

This. No virtue signalling or intent to cause her to blow up-she'll blow up if I send condolences and she'll blow up if I don't.
Kind of why I went NC. Unlike PP I don't hate her or am angry at her, I simply cannot cope with an abusive relationship. So I stepped away, got counselling and moved on.
Everyone has their own NC story, I'm doing my best to navigate mine.
Family have asked me to reach out, I am just trying to find the most respectful way of doing that without causing false hope or disrupting my boundaries.
I have passed on condolences through family, they have asked me to send something.
I've sent the card so if she hates me for 'imposing on her grief', theres nothing new there. If she likes it and brings some crumb of comfort, good. I genuinely wish her well with her life.

It would be very fake and generic to send anything.