Help me word a condolences msg to NC sister pls

[thenotsoeviltwin]

As per title, short story is been NC with sis for 8 years due to her nasty behaviour.
Her DH has died suddenly today. I've never met him but feel sad he died and sad for sis despite our differences.
Family have asked me to make contact to offer condolences.
I need to send a short polite msg saying sorry but without inviting any contact.
Really really struggling with wording msg, any suggestions welcome.

Leave it. No need to bring up old hurts at this time.

If your parents/siblings are writing a card/letter, could they sign "from the family" rather than sending individual messages of condolences.
This might get you off the hook.
Don't bow to pressure.

It’s a tricky one. I would be more inclined to send a card as it doesn’t run the risk of opening up a dialogue in the same way a message may.

Dear sister

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Best wishes
name

Who are you sending the message for? Her, your family, or yourself? Bear in mind you have no control over her response, so if you are going to be angry or upset if she replies I’m a way you’re not happy with (as she well might if she perceives you cut her off unnecessarily) then I wouldn’t send anything.

short story is been NC with sis for 8 years due to her nasty behaviour.
Her DH has died suddenly today. I've never met him but feel sad he died and sad for sis despite our differences.
Family have asked me to make contact to offer condolences.
I need to send a short polite msg saying sorry but without inviting any contact.

I never understand this kind of thing.
You've not spoken or been in contact for 8 years... why bother?

Leave her alone.

I meant *grief! Not greed lol.

I'd leave it tbh, what's the point ?

This. In your judgment she's not been good enough for you to maintain contact. To pop back up in this fashion would be adding insult to injury.

Interesting mix of responses, thank you.
I went NC with her, she has recently tried to make amends. I'm neither angry or upset, I just don't want to get involved.
I did think of sending a card but I don't want to know her address.
It is tricky, I'm trying to be the bigger person. Without inviting contact.
This is absolutely not about me, I'm happy being NC, no bitterness, just out.

Family believe it would be very appreciated by her hence why they asked.
Otherwise I would not dream of intruding on anyone's grief.

I would leave it as well and I say that as someone who is also NC with my sister

Leave her alone. Your family say it would be welcome...well isn't that because she wanted to reconnect? You don't want that, so would be raising her hopes for nothing.
My mother's sister does this. She goes NC, then turns up all friendly again, then NC, and my mother has been on eggshells her whole life. It's not fair at all.

Yes. It is an interesting idea of responses.

It's obviously up to you what you do but, in your shoes, I'd be paying more heed to those who are nc with family members than those who are not but mean equally well.

It's not about being the 'bigger person'.

But, ultimately, its up to you.

Surely becoming a widow doesn't suddenly make you a nice woman...?

I think getting relative to pass on message is way to go…something l8ke you were shocked and saddened to hear the news, and recognise she will be going through a difficult time. Don’t offer your condolences or offer best wishes- it’s hollow as you are not in a relationship with her. An acknowledgement and recognition is all that’s needed..if you need to say something

I went NC with her, she has recently tried to make amends. I'm neither angry or upset, I just don't want to get involved.
I did think of sending a card but I don't want to know her address.
It is tricky, I'm trying to be the bigger person. Without inviting contact.
This is absolutely not about me, I'm happy being NC, no bitterness, just out.
Family believe it would be very appreciated by her hence why they asked.
Otherwise, I would not dream of intruding on anyone's grief.

Then leave her alone. You rejected her attempts to reconcile.
You no longer want to be involved. You are done.
You send a card it suggests you care - you don't.
Bigger person? She is grieving ffs. Leave her be.

Don’t send a message- I imagine if she’s tried to reestablish contact it’ll cause more upset when you reject further attempts by her.

Leave her alone.

I certainly wouldn't want to hear from someone who thinks I'm a nasty person and went NC because of it and ignored any attempt to reconnect.
Especially when I'm grieving from a major loss.

Contacting her at this time doesn't make you the bigger person as clearly you never cared about that before hence the 8 years NC, it just makes you a self-serving twat.

Leave her alone.

"Family believe it would be very appreciated by her hence why they asked".

Family should not assume anything. They have their own agenda here (they may well want you two to reconnect) and have acted as flying monkeys.

Do not send anything to your sister. You are NC for good reason and any communication from you will also be poorly received.

Sometimes in life, it is better to just do nothing.

Actually then …
I hate this whole NC… UNLESS there has been actual abuse and it’s an actual safeguarding issue
it is passive agressive, devastating on those who are NC, and almost always a result of miss communication, misunderstanding or mis alignment in expectation.

you don’t have to like each other or love each other, hang out with each other or even regularly speak for sake of it. You can set firm boundaries and speak plainly when you disagree or get upset by their behaviour. But completely rejecting someone who is closely linked to you and your immediate family is incredibly damaging to their mental health and rarely justifiable for damage it does. It extends to the whole family often. you’re playing the superior game here. People aren’t perfect. Or simple.and it takes two to tango. FGS, even divorce laws now recognises it is never really one persons fault a relationship breaks down and it is still best to reach a compromise.

i think therefore you are virtue gesturing to do anything…to say you are trying to be a bigger person is a lie to yourself. A bigger person would not be telling her sister to “ shut up” continuously- which is what you are doing in NC.. You’re only trying to make yourself feel better by playing out a narrative that you are saddened. Shocked, yes probably- but don’t confuse that in your effort to tell yourself you’re better than her-

Either offer condolences then later sit down with someone to mediate and start actually talking ( and read Crucial Conversations) to develop a better relationship where you can at least be in same room and mutually engage with both your family. Or leave it if you have no intention to resolve your differences.

"A bigger person would not be telling her sister to “ shut up” continuously- which is what you are doing in NC.."

No contact is not this at all. Going no contact is an excellent approach to take the focus off the other person and only focusing on yourself and your own well-being. It is a self protective measure employed by many as a last resort as a way of saying no more to being further abused. People generally do not adopt a no contact position on a whim; it's done very often after much heartache and soul searching.

The hook in a toxic relationship is that the target feels compelled to “one day get it right” or fix it. The target stays hooked in the toxic relationship because of the feelings it engenders – guilt, obligation, hope, need, confusion, etc.

Joint counselling with an abuser is never advisable either.

What about my mental health when my sister was bullying me and publicly laughing about my mental health due to abuse? I've never told her to shut up, i simply could not cope with the mental abuse I was treated to. I'm not perfect, I know I could have handled things better. But I did not deserve this abuse.
I'm not better then her, I'm not better than anyone! I'm just me. Which wasnt good enough.
I've had a lot of counselling to come to terms with what happened, that helped me set healthy boundaries to protect myself. Talked thoroughly, thanks for the tip though.
After thinking it through I've gone with @Fraaahnces nice message. thanks.

Tell ur family who have said send a card ur message, they can then say eg we told ur sister and she said she is really sorry to hear that news, that way nc still entirely in place if u want but ur sister knows u past on condolences to her.

Having read your update about her trying to make amends, i think you should say/do nothing because you're on the road to rejecting her again when she replies to your message and you (and her) can do without the drama.
I suspect the replies are split between those with experience of NC and those without. I understand why some people think send a message but it's going to start a dialogue with both sides wondering about motivation and greater meaning behind messages and the point of NC is to stop the other person taking up headspace.

I would not do anything, but if feel you have to then send a card.

If you send a text it invites a reply.