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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please don't tell me to leave this man - what I need right now is some good old MN advice...

70 replies

TicklishFeet · 29/01/2008 19:11

Have name changed as I want to keep my regular, jolly alter ego intact..

I met my boyfriend last June. He was dumped by his DS's mother last April. When we met, he was completely candid about feeling bruised and depressed, and unable to cope with getting into a new relationship with me for fear of causing more pain - to me, his ex & his son.

Nevertheless, we fell for each other hook line & sinker, and slipped gradually into a routine of being together whenever possible, speaking on the phone for hours every day, eventually sleeping together & then spending every night together. So now my world has shrunk around this man & I can't imagine life without him.

My dilemma is this. He is still in love with his ex [sad} He is honest about his feelings for her, and says that he would love to get back together with her - although he's certain that it won't happen. He is, I know, very very fond of me & the knowledge that he's hurting me too, as predicted, is making him feel terrible.

I told him earlier that I can't see him any longer as I feel the situation is demeaning me and sapping my self confidence. But of course I'll continue to see him, because not seeing him is not an option. So how can I move forward? Put up for the moment & hope it's all going to get better? Or is there a way of accepting the situation, enjoying what we have & being generally serene & zen like about it's imperfections? But how?!

OP posts:
pinkteddy · 29/01/2008 19:17

How can you continue to see him if he says he doesn't love you and loves someone else? How does his ex feel - is she likely to take him back? I don't think you can possibly feel serene and happy with this situation, you will just become more anxious and probably become bitter about it. IMHO he is only likely to change his mind if you separate because then he might realise what he is losing. Sorry if this sounds hurtful. You are worth more than this and you will find someone who will love you and you alone.

Layla17 · 29/01/2008 19:19

I agree. Let him go and see if he comes back. He may just realise that it is you that he loves.

NKF · 29/01/2008 19:21

Well, how about seeing him and loads of other men? And not making such a big deal about someone who's half hearted about you.

But it's possible that, as the book title says, he's just not that into you.

Sorry but it sounds pointless to me.

flowerybeanbag · 29/01/2008 19:21

Ticklish there really really isn't a way of accepting this situation, enjoying it and being serene. There isn't. He'll start to feel guilty for hurting you, might start to resent you for not being his ex and for making him (not deliberately) feel guilty. Your self-confidence will (continue to) be zapped. Spiral downwards.

I know you don't want to hear 'leave him', but you know you must don't you? The only way is to go through the pain and come out the other side. It's better out the other side, better than how it is now and far better than it will be if you carry on.

Fireflyfairy2 · 29/01/2008 19:22

Get some self pride woman, why do you want a man who says he loves someone else?

toomanydaves · 29/01/2008 19:23

Sorry for you. I agree with pinkteddy.
Could he have some counselling to get himself over his ex? Could you have some together? Could you give him an ultimatum? Separate for six months so he can get his head sorted and then see how you both feel? It's TERRIBLE for you to be playing second fiddle.

ScoobyDoo · 29/01/2008 19:26

Erm well if your happy with being second best then so be it, but i think you should have more respect for yourself & move on, he is in love with someone else unfortunatly.

foxinsocks · 29/01/2008 19:27

poor you

He needs some space to work through his feelings for his ex. It may be that after that time, he comes back to you and says what a twat he has been or he realises he is in love with her and tries to sort something out.

Either way, he's not being forced to deal with how he feels because he's safe and comfortable with you.

It's an awful situation but you need to be strong and walk away and tell him to sort himself out. It's not easy, I know, I've been there but my gawd, it's empowering realising you CAN walk away, even if you sob and sob and sob.

rantinghousewife · 29/01/2008 19:30

I'm sorry for saying this but, you need to leave this man behind. Some heartbreak for you will follow but, you will eventually get over, however if you stay with him, you are opening yourself up to a whole new world (and many years) worth of pain.
Better the wound be open and heal, then fester.

Original poster
TicklishFeet · 29/01/2008 19:37

Coping mechanisms out of the question then

Well yes, you're all right of course, I know. And I know I sound pathetic and martyrish.

So maybe tell him to go away to work out what he wants & come back when he's got his head on straight then?

There is no chance of him getting back together with the ex BTW.

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 29/01/2008 19:39

OK, I won't tell you to leave him. But you know what's going to happen next? He'll meet someone else, and fall in love with them, and leave you for them ... and all this will be fine, won't it, because he was always perfectly candid with you and told you all along that he didn't love you.

Slouchy · 29/01/2008 19:41
bubblagirl · 29/01/2008 19:44

my motto for myself is never settle for second best i dont want someone to be fond of me i want someone to be in love with me if this man isnt out there is a man that can be and while your with him hoping you can change him you wont find tru happiness

to me you have a best friend not a lover be firends be there for each other but allow yourself to meet your right man

i was with someone for 4 years in same situation so i know what i'm talking about i thought i could change him in the end i become so down and depressed as i wasnt getting what i needed and i couldnt make him change

i left i spent time alone for a while and then maet my dp we have now been together for nearly 4 years and although we have our problems i'm so happy i dont need to change him he loves me for me and only me

he has become a routine a habit but i let mine go was afraid of what would i do each day i missed him badly but had to remind myself he didnt love me and now i am loved and so can you be move on for your own sanity it will drive you crazy

YOU DO NOT NEED HIM you can exist without him and you will be stronger for it

lazarou · 29/01/2008 19:50

"Let him go and see if he comes back. He may just realise that it is you that he loves"

Yes, but he is not a butterfly, he is a grown man and I doubt he feels that terrible. He knows how much you love him. Get rid.

bubblagirl · 29/01/2008 19:51

and if you tell him to go to sort his head out and come back when ready thats saying you can treat me how you want i'll always be here

if he went i very much doubt he would be back and you shouldnt be waiting around hoping he'll change

you need to move on for your own sake if your meant to be wether it be tomorrow a month a year you will be but you do not put your life on hold you keep moving and allow happiness to enter your life wether it be from himor someone that can truly love only you

be strong what do you really get from this relationship

you both need to be alone him to get over her and you to get over him your becoming dependant on him maybe because you know you can never truly have him thats what i found it was the longing and the chasing kept me there

until 4 years klater i was a shadow of my former self feeling stupid to have stayed so long so please for your self be alone and concentrate on reinventing your self to become stronger

NKF · 29/01/2008 19:51

Well, I think telling him to work himself out and come back when he's ready is putting yourself in a waiting situation. I think dump and move on is the only way. Unless you feel you can juggle him along with countless others.

NKF · 29/01/2008 19:53

And I don't think you'd be able to juggle him because your world has "shrunk" around him. And do you know, that's the scariest thing about your post. You've already described him in terms of life disminishment.

Original poster
TicklishFeet · 29/01/2008 20:06

Thanks for all your good advice and nice words. And a bit of short shrift is probably no bad thing either

I'm feeling a teeny bit more empowered thanks to your unequivocal response. But still scared of the potential emptiness of life without him (and sorry if that sounds even more tragic, but I'm obviously not seeing things very realistically at the moment).

Fuckety fuck.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 29/01/2008 20:08

Life will be fuller without him, I promise you, once you've gone through the horrible bit. At the moment life is only full of him, not full. Afterwards it can be full of all sorts of exciting things and wonderful people.

cosima · 29/01/2008 20:10

its not really important what you do with him. You said you had shrunk your world around him. So there is your answer. You need to widen your world, to see if this is all that you want, and also he will see that you are moving forward, going places, it will help him decide if he wants to move forward too. Go out, do something, see friends, become independent. then you will have some proper perspective to choose what to do about him.

ScoobyDoo · 29/01/2008 20:15

Hey there is someone for everyone out there & this man is obviously not for you, you deserved to be loved & adored like the next person.

don't settle for second best you deserve more, you will meet someone else one day who you love & adore & they will you, it will then feel right.

Original poster
TicklishFeet · 29/01/2008 20:16

Well, I have fantastic friends, and a lovely supportive family. I have an interesting and demanding job, with great colleagues. I also have a couple of nice ex boyfriends who are always up for some no-strings bonking too, so no worries in that department.

But being a lone parent, I did feel quite alone and isolated before this guy came along - alone almost every evening, knackered, dealing with everything on my own etc etc. And despite him sounding like a schmuck, this guy is intelligent and interesting, hilariously funny, kind, generous and loving (yes I now it sounds like I'm deluded...). So flowery's put her finger on it about life being "full of him"

OP posts:
warthog · 29/01/2008 20:17

you are not for dp, therefore he is not for you.

there is someone out there that is, wouldn't you prefer to be happy with him?

JustMissyNow · 29/01/2008 20:21

a bloody good girls night out or in is needed for you!
its horrible sad situation but you seen a strong woman so all wil work out for the best

foxinsocks · 29/01/2008 20:21

I don't think things are always that clear cut. There wasn't that much space between him breaking up with the love of his life, the mother of his child and getting it on with you (I know it screams rebound, doesn't it).

I think, for your sanity, you have to give him some space and try and go out and have some no strings bonking . But at the same time, I don't think you need to decide he is out of your life iyswim. Perhaps he'll come back and you'll have got over him and that'll be it, or perhaps he won't! I don't think you need to think 'omg, drastic end of everything' just yet and if it makes it easier, console yourself with the thought that it might be temporary if that's what helps you move on and while you're busy in that temporary phase, you may well find you are getting on with life fine (can you tell I'm a master at head in the sand thinking!).

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