Please don't tell me to leave this man - what I need right now is some good old MN advice...

[TicklishFeet]

Have name changed as I want to keep my regular, jolly alter ego intact..

I met my boyfriend last June. He was dumped by his DS's mother last April. When we met, he was completely candid about feeling bruised and depressed, and unable to cope with getting into a new relationship with me for fear of causing more pain - to me, his ex & his son.

Nevertheless, we fell for each other hook line & sinker, and slipped gradually into a routine of being together whenever possible, speaking on the phone for hours every day, eventually sleeping together & then spending every night together. So now my world has shrunk around this man & I can't imagine life without him.

My dilemma is this. He is still in love with his ex [sad} He is honest about his feelings for her, and says that he would love to get back together with her - although he's certain that it won't happen. He is, I know, very very fond of me & the knowledge that he's hurting me too, as predicted, is making him feel terrible.

I told him earlier that I can't see him any longer as I feel the situation is demeaning me and sapping my self confidence. But of course I'll continue to see him, because not seeing him is not an option. So how can I move forward? Put up for the moment & hope it's all going to get better? Or is there a way of accepting the situation, enjoying what we have & being generally serene & zen like about it's imperfections? But how?!

Well make it full of something else. First though you will have to do the getting over him, will hurt, will sap your energy and cost you a fortune in Kleenex (I can afford to be breezy about, like almost everyone, I've been there).
When you re-emerge from your mourning, you will then be able to find new things to do and ways to enjoy life, much better than spending years living in a limbo state, where you try to convince yourself that one day he will love you.
You deserve better, you know you do.

Also this relationship seems to be part of a wider pattern - I always end up with men who are unattainable, who for some reason can't commit to me and so on. I just can't get truly close to anyone.
So however kindly you all tell me I will find love & happiness, it is extremely unlikely unless I change. And I don't appear to be changing (even with CBT - it's getting me nowhere). So I'm kind of stuck, it seems.

Thanks for listening to me moan. I can't stand self pity in other people, but by God, namechanging is liberating...

Yes you can, I used to think that I was stuck in a bad relationship loop but, I realised that all I was doing to was living out a self fulfilling prophecy. So I had some time to myself, decided I quite liked myself after all. And then I met dh. I love him, he loves me and that is the best feeling in the world.

oh yes, online moaning is fabulous .

So the CBT isn't helping? I am fascinated by it but also v sceptical.

Are you sure you can't get close or is it that you don't want to get close?

You know what, Ticklish? EVERY single one of your posts says the same thing: that you deserve more than this, and that even without him, you're not really alone - family, friends, ex's for some of that type of company when needed, a wonderful child, a job, etc.

He's been honest with you, but he's not been fair or even very respectful of you.

How? Because if he were, he wouldn't continue to sleep with you, especially because he knows how you feel about him and he's in love with someone else.

So much for his being so amazing, saying incredibly hurtful things to someone who you know loves you (like 'I'd love to get back with my ex', how fucking necessary is that? Has this man ever heard of maturity, a quality which teaches one that some thoughts are better kept to oneself because they are hurt others' feelings unnecessarily?) and then continuing to carry on a relationship with them.

And let's leave aside the 'you'll find someone else' or 'there's someone out there for you' bit for now.

Because I was in and out of a relationship like yours for two years - no kids on either side, though - and I swear that pissed me off to no end when people trotted that out.

That's beside the point.

What you need to find when you're no longer willing to waste time on people who are unattainable is far more important than a man: it's yourself. Who you are and want to be.

Would totally agree with Expat, time to yourself will make you come to terms with yourself, something which I don't think CBT will do.

Hey Ticklish. Write down all the things you used to do before you met this man. I'm betting you've given quite a few things up. How did you spend your evenings/weekends?

Lots of night classes start after Easter, so call up your local college and see what they have to offer. Then call round some friends that you haven't spoken to for a while and suggest you get together for a DVD, pizza and wine, or perhaps you can get out? Take the kids to the cinema this weekend. Book yourself an appointment at the hairdressers.

Lots of relationships have this awkward phase. I clearly remember dh when he was just db, finishing with me about 6 months into our relationship because he wasn't sure if he loved me or not. But once he'd made that break, he realised that he really did and we got back together. Perhaps, spending every night together, this man has taken you and his feelings for granted and only when you spend time apart will his feelings come to the surface and he'll realise that he loves you.

However this is only a maybe. Perhaps he'll always pine for his ex. I don't know. But you can make it less painful for yourself by keeping yourself busy and surrounding yourself with friends.

Expat, you are very insightful. Exactly what I need to hear. I've even said some of that to him myself - irresponsible to continue putting me through this, maturity, tact etc.

Writing's on the wall isn't it?

Foxinsocks - both, I think. Probably all to do with stuff from the past blah blah blah

Oh Rhubarb, I would love to do an evening class, but can't afford it & school night childcare is virtually impossible.

My ex has DD most Saturday evenings though (which of course I always spend with my boyfriend. Will definitely plan something different with friends this weekend though. Thanks

Just think, 'Do unto others as you would have them do to you'.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were him, would you continue to sleep with yourself? Would you feel easy in your conscience still carrying on in the relationship, knowing how the other person felt, and excuse yourself because you told the person you were in love with your ex?

I'll be the answer is no.

But don't beat yourself up about feeling horrible about it!

That's entirely normal.

You can't just turn off your feelings like a tap.

Ticklish, have a word with your college though, if you're on any kind of benefits then the courses are either free or just a tenner, and some colleges offer crechés for their afternoon sessions. It's a way of meeting people and developing an interest.

Thanks Rhubarb - no benefits, I work full time and earn a reasonable salary. DD is at school & after school club 3 days a week. Virtually no maintainence from my ex though, so things are tight (but not desperate).

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Totally in love with an 'attached' man. Knew he was in love with someone else but stayed with him as could'nt stand the thought of not being with him.

No matter what anyone says to you, your the only one who can make the decision to end this and you won't be able to do that until you are there in your head.

The only advice i can offer is that this relationship is not going the way you would really like it to so would you rather waste more time hoping or use your time to enjoy your life. I'm sure your not enjoying it much at the mo. I know i did'nt. Really weigh it up, how much time are you and how much time are you .

I'm sure this bloke is lovely and caring but there is only one ending to this sort of relationship.

Sorry to sound hard.

I'm sure everything will work out in the end. Remember everything does.

Thank you Sarah

Strangely, I am most of the time
But the is becoming more frequent

He's phoned me twice tonight in a very upset state, asking me to change my mind about not seeing him again. Telling me how wonderful I am & how much he wants me in his life blah blah blah. I told hm I need to sleep on it. Which I do, despite being shored up by all your wise words.

He's at a work related do in London this evening, so luckily I have the night and bed to myself. Bliss.

I'd (for want of a better word) fuck him off.

Get out with the girls, get exh or babysitter to mind the kids, and have some fun?x x

why not have your cake and eat it

he can fuck you and have relatioship stuff without comitting becuase of bogas ex bullshit

tell him to make a decision - its al you or nothing baby - becuase in the absence of a commitment to one relatioship at a time - you will go out - get pissed and meet someone else.

you eed tobe number one - you have committed
and if he has an inch of dick abou him he should work very fucking hard at letting you know this.

do not sleep with him until suitably courted

i he doenst chose you - then you are all the better for it.

Can someone at work babysit for you, whilst you went out to say a nightclass.

I work in a big office and would love it if someone asked me to babysit..... I just dare not ask as I don't have children and I don't want my actions to be considered suspicious. Perhaps you work with someone like me?

Well he turned up after his work do at 1am. We talked, he stayed the night, & this morning I told him that it's all or nothing and therefore I don't want to see him any longer. Not even as friends.

Oh dear.
Fuck fuck fuck

well done for standing your ground.

Good for you ticklishfeet.
remember you and your LO are THE most important people to look after. You need to do what is best for both of you.

You are doing the right thing. Be strong

Well done TF, stick to it though, no drunken texting

In a way, this reminds me of my situation many years ago. I fell totally in love with a man who was still smarting from an old relationship and who told me quite frankly that he could not feel about me the way I felt about him. We tried living together, but it was clear that he was not comfortable. In the end he told me that we could only remain friends if I accepted that we could not be anything more. It hurt like hell. For the next 2 years we only had letter contact, on a friends-only basis.
I was not able to forget about him or find somebody else. He really was my whole life- at least as far as men were concerned. What I did do, though, was to concentrate on other aspects of my life. I studied. I started appreciating my friends a lot more. went for walks in the countryside. I did things with my family. I let him go.
My story is probably not a very good example to you, as we did eventually meet up again, and did fall in love, and are now married. But I think the point is that this could never have happened if I had been unable to accept what he was saying: that our relationship, as it then was, was totally skewed and was not doing either of us any good.

Good on you TicklishFeet, I've been in the same(ish) sort of relationship and should have walked away rather than hanging on for grim life. It only prolonged the agony.