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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don't tell me to leave this man - what I need right now is some good old MN advice...

70 replies

TicklishFeet · 29/01/2008 19:11

Have name changed as I want to keep my regular, jolly alter ego intact..

I met my boyfriend last June. He was dumped by his DS's mother last April. When we met, he was completely candid about feeling bruised and depressed, and unable to cope with getting into a new relationship with me for fear of causing more pain - to me, his ex & his son.

Nevertheless, we fell for each other hook line & sinker, and slipped gradually into a routine of being together whenever possible, speaking on the phone for hours every day, eventually sleeping together & then spending every night together. So now my world has shrunk around this man & I can't imagine life without him.

My dilemma is this. He is still in love with his ex [sad} He is honest about his feelings for her, and says that he would love to get back together with her - although he's certain that it won't happen. He is, I know, very very fond of me & the knowledge that he's hurting me too, as predicted, is making him feel terrible.

I told him earlier that I can't see him any longer as I feel the situation is demeaning me and sapping my self confidence. But of course I'll continue to see him, because not seeing him is not an option. So how can I move forward? Put up for the moment & hope it's all going to get better? Or is there a way of accepting the situation, enjoying what we have & being generally serene & zen like about it's imperfections? But how?!

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 30/01/2008 09:32

oh god, this made my heart jump; i finished with my ex last april and we have a ds, he met someone else in june , who he says he loves her but it doesnt really sound like it..

Baffy · 30/01/2008 09:35

I think you've done the right thing.

Stay strong.

Nobody deserves to be second best. I know you say he's a wonderful man etc - but wonderful men don't mess with people's feelings in this way. Always remember that. Either he has some time to be alone and get over his ex. Or he gives you 100% and puts all thoughts of her out of his head.

If he wants to live in the past and dwell on 'what-ifs' then let him do it alone, he'll only drag you down with him.

Good luck.

MotherFunker · 30/01/2008 09:40

The funny thing about MN is that when you write things down in black and white and look at them objectively, you often see how awful a situation is. I've done it myself. Typed out a problem and then read it back and gone 'Fuck. That sounds awful. I know what I have to do!'. I haven't read through all the replies, but from your OP, it is blindingly obvious that this man isn't ready to be in a relationship with you at all, and to stay with him would be masochistic. He will hurt you dreadfully, intentionally or otherwise.

FatBellyJones · 30/01/2008 09:43

Haven't read the whole thread but....

I had a man who absolutely adored me a few years ago, I liked him but not as much as he liked me and he got more and more doormat like as time went on and allowed to take advantage of him in the most horrible ways and in the end.. I didn't even have respect for him.. so nothing could grow. I'm ashamed now and feel terrible for the awful things I did but he was so desperate to be with me that he didn't care.

Don't let that happen to you too please.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 10:05

Well done Ticklish.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2008 10:07

Some wise words here, Ticklish.

Whenever you feel down, come back and revisit this thread.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2008 10:09

Honestly, he came over at 1AM and you had to get up and get your little one and yourself ready for work today?

How decent of him, always putting his own feelings first - gotta see her after getting pissed at works do to save my free sex partner who'll shag me no matter what - he didn't even consider that you'd be sleeping or tired or have a full day ahead of you.

squimlet · 30/01/2008 12:18

I Just wanted to add that tbh he has been brutally honest with you and hats off to him for doing so. Now you need to be honest to yourself and put yourself first.
Stay strong and know that you are absolutely doing the right thing.
You deserve to be someones Number one and never second best

IndigoViolet · 30/01/2008 12:21

This relationship will destroy you. Well done for saying your bit. You should be with a man who puts you first and doesn't play mind games or else you should be on your own.

Drusilla · 30/01/2008 12:26

Haven't read all the replies proerpy but one thing struck me in your OP - you said not seeing him was not an option. But it is - it's only an option you hadn't allowed yourself - you need to realize you have options. It's your life and only you can change it.

lemonstartree · 30/01/2008 19:31

hope you are OK. You have done the only possible thing to retain your self respect x

Original poster

TicklishFeet · 30/01/2008 20:18

I caved in by 4pm. I am pathetic & deserve every bit of misery I get.

I've let people down who took the time to support & empower me. I'm sorry. I'm a wanker.

He's coming over this evening. Late as per fucking usual.

OP posts:

Original poster

TicklishFeet · 30/01/2008 20:20

Sorry about the potty mouth BTW

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/01/2008 20:21

Hey, it's your life. People do what works.

And on some level, this must be working for you or you wouldn't be doing it.

Best of luck.

Original poster

TicklishFeet · 30/01/2008 20:30

Thanks expat, you've been so insghtful and supportive. And I will come back & read this thread. Because this is going to happen again and again.

BTW allgonebellyup - it's not you

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 30/01/2008 20:31

Its a self-fulfilling prophesy.

He makes you feel, by saying he doesn't love you, that you are not worthy of him and not good enough. Therefore you then lap up every bit of attention he CAN give you like a beaten dog after scraps.

He will gradually get over his broken heart and be ready for a new relationship. It may well NOT be you that he decides to begin one with. He will loser respect for you because no matter what he says to you you still want him.

Sorry

thatwasme · 30/01/2008 20:43

ticklishfeet I'm on this thread further down but have namechanged to be a bit more specific.

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been involved with a married man who spent months and months and months arsing about not knowing what he wanted. I spent days after hearing him say something nice to me, on a massive 'high', couldn't stop smiling. Then (lots of) other times, down in the depths of despair.

It took about 18 months of this, of me bending the ear on a regular basis of my long-suffering friends, obsessing, day dreaming, etc before I made the break. I had to leave my job to make the break. I left it for other reasons as well, but he was definitely a factor. It made it easier removing myself from the situation. After a couple of months of to-ing and fro-ing I made the break completely, had no contact with him for ages. Since then I have had some contact, during which he has been all yearning after me, 'I realise now it was real', etc etc all that crap. My feelings completely and utterly went. His are still there I think. I don't see him anymore.

Once I had made the break it was like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders, I had been living my life entirely in this situation, allowing it to dominate everything.

Please try and find the strength from somewhere. I totally understand moments of weakness, I had months of those. Hopefully the time will come when you will come to the realisation yourself that moving on is what you must do, for everyone's benefit.

MrsMacaroon · 30/01/2008 20:44

Sounds like he's using his charisma to keep you hanging on whilst being 'upfront and honest' about his feelings in regard to his ex...it's not about what he says that's important here, it's his actions...he should have the guts to finish this even if you can't. I've kind of been on the other end of this scenario (ie I didn't have the strong feelings- enough of a connection to keep going but not enough to commit or make declarations of love). I had a realisation, after splitting up and getting back together with this poor guy, that it was all about EGO (my ego). He's using you to boost his self-esteem following the breakup. Not fair. I reckon this will only end one way so it's up to you whether you jump or are pushed.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2008 20:48

He sure does come over late a lot.

Has it ever crossed your mind that he could be somewhere else besides where he says he was of an evening?

No, it didn't occur to me, either, until the night his best friend tried to pull me in a bar, not realising who I was, and I found out he was back with her.

toomanydaves · 30/01/2008 23:05

You're not a wanker. It's a nightmare situation for you. But you do have to let this one go. He is playing you for a fool. I feel for you. Dig deep. Find your strength. You clearly have it. Oh, and agree with Expat totally.

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