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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it a red flag if a man willingly doesn’t see his child?

66 replies

Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 13:47

My ex hasn’t seen our son since he was 10 months old… no contact, birthday cards, nothing!

I’ve been made aware that my ex is now in a new relationship with someone, they have a house and a cat (despite our son being very allergic!!) - apparently she is aware he has a son he doesn’t see… For me, that would be a total red flag but I guess it’s not for some people?

I’ve made it clear my ex can see our son when he likes, so he doesn’t have the excuse that I’m stopping him!

Thanks :)

OP posts:
qqq82 · 09/11/2022 13:49

Hell yes

badassbaby · 09/11/2022 13:50

Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 13:47

My ex hasn’t seen our son since he was 10 months old… no contact, birthday cards, nothing!

I’ve been made aware that my ex is now in a new relationship with someone, they have a house and a cat (despite our son being very allergic!!) - apparently she is aware he has a son he doesn’t see… For me, that would be a total red flag but I guess it’s not for some people?

I’ve made it clear my ex can see our son when he likes, so he doesn’t have the excuse that I’m stopping him!

Thanks :)

To some it would be...others wouldn't give a shit.
And he definitely would be describing you as a nightmare...I'm sure you're not though xxx

Twizbe · 09/11/2022 13:51

It is, but there's a good chance the girlfriend has been told a story that paints him as the victim.

Likely he'll do similar to her on the future too.

GoAgainstNicki · 09/11/2022 13:53

Of course it is, that tells you what sort of person he is instantly. However loads of women could care less. In their eyes there’s no ‘baby mama drama’ to deal with

slinkymalinkys · 09/11/2022 13:54

Of course - but everyone is different. Just focus on you and your son.

HelloBunny · 09/11/2022 13:55

How old is the kid? I wouldn’t go near anyone with baby / toddler. There’s good reason for the break-up, with small kids... No, for me!

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2022 13:56

It would make me run for the hills. I suspect his new GF hasn't heard the real story though...

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 13:56

He is 4!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 13:58

Yes absolutely, I suspect he’s told her I won’t let him see our DS (which could not be further from the truth!!)

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/11/2022 13:59

It's a massive red flag and I don't know why women fall for the shit excuses these wastes of space dole out.

mindutopia · 09/11/2022 14:01

Yes, of course, it is. But some people are very naive and happy to have the wool pooled over their eyes and some people are quite manipulative and seek out people who are easy to manipulate.

My mum married a man who had no contact with his adult daughters since they were teenagers. He said it was due to 'parental alienation' by his horrible manipulative ex-wife. It turns out, actually, he sexually abused them and was not allowed contact, and then obviously when they were adults, they wanted nothing to do with him. Most normal healthy people would run a mile from a story like that, but some people are very desperate to be 'loved' that they can easily overlook the very obvious red flags in front of them, at whatever cost. Fwiw, my mum went on to marry him after all this came to light and they've been together nearly 20 years now. I am NC with both of them now too.

Mirrorcell · 09/11/2022 14:02

Wait for her to start pushing him ‘to get your rights to see him’. He will then reluctantly engage a solicitor to ‘get his access’.

Its so boringly dull and predictable. Then they split up and poof he disappears…. Until the next girlfriend talks about ‘his rights’.

Mirrorcell · 09/11/2022 14:02

Keep hold of your old texts/emails offering contact just in case.

Mirrorcell · 09/11/2022 14:04

But I answer to your question I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Red flag definitely.

Readinginthesun · 09/11/2022 14:05

My ex told anyone who would listen that I refused to allow contact . Complete rubbish , he just couldn’t be arsed .
They are adults now and have very little to do with him and he wonders why !

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2022 14:11

I think this is the third thread in the last 2 days about your ex. He’s obviously an arsehole, he’s never going to be part of your son’s life and it’s got to be very sad. You seem to be struggling a lot, have you got trusted friends you can speak to or looked into therapy?

Stressfordays · 09/11/2022 14:17

With all due respect, why do you care? I couldn't give a monkeys who my ex is seeing. And after disappearing for 4 years, why would you allow him back into your child's life? You need to move on and focus on your son. Some women don't care about Dads that don't see their kids and some women are so gullible they believe the crap that comes out their mouths. Whichever it is, it isn't your problem.

Naunet · 09/11/2022 14:17

He’s probably told her some story about how you’re a crazy abusive bitch who won’t let him see his child, and she‘s thick enough to believe him.

I hope you’re claiming maintenance from this pathetic excuse for a man?

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Good point, I know I shouldn’t care but it still grates on me all the same! Probably because I found out recently he was underpaying and I had to take a loan out during covid etc etc

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 09/11/2022 14:21

A man who didn't see his kids wouldn't see me for dust but as others have said, no doubt he'll be making this out as your fault.

Try not to concern yourself with him. He's made his choices. His loss. Consistency is better for your son than a half arsed 'father' piddling in and out of his life.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 14:23

Very true, I try not to let it bother me normally - think I’m just having a down couple of days!!

OP posts:
Naunet · 09/11/2022 14:29

Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 14:20

Good point, I know I shouldn’t care but it still grates on me all the same! Probably because I found out recently he was underpaying and I had to take a loan out during covid etc etc

Have you gone through CMS? Don’t let him get away with under paying, it’s the very least he can do for his own child.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 09/11/2022 14:30

Long story on that one but have done the application now and hoping to get first payment at the end of December! 😌

OP posts:
KILM · 09/11/2022 14:31

Unfortunately having known two DIFFERENT men who showed their new girlfriends 'proof' their ex was crazy who then turned out to have deleted text messages/emails so it looked like their ex was angry out of nowhere i would be extremely suspicious of any man saying this

TheFlis12345 · 09/11/2022 14:32

I tried to flag this as a concern when former colleague of mine was explaining how it was so much better that her blokes didn’t see the child he had with his ex as she was a psycho, they hadn’t been properly together, she got pregnant on purpose etc and most galling, it meant he would be able to properly focus on their child when they had one!!

I had to bite my tongue when he walked out on her when she was 7 months pregnant.