Is it a red flag if a man willingly doesn’t see his child?

[Lizzie67384]

My ex hasn’t seen our son since he was 10 months old… no contact, birthday cards, nothing!

I’ve been made aware that my ex is now in a new relationship with someone, they have a house and a cat (despite our son being very allergic!!) - apparently she is aware he has a son he doesn’t see… For me, that would be a total red flag but I guess it’s not for some people?

I’ve made it clear my ex can see our son when he likes, so he doesn’t have the excuse that I’m stopping him!

Thanks :)

Where did you get that from?

So if they don't see the kids deadbeat.

They do see the kids it's for the wrong reasons

God forbid men do the same when it comes to choosing women online dating

Just take a look on the board.

He’s not going to change, he has no interest. He will probably have more DC with the new partner and he won’t necessarily leave her in the same position, as your helpful-meaning friends will tell you he will, so don’t get stuck waiting to see that happen either. Whoever is telling you what he is up to, ask them to stop. Forget the in laws too.

Just make sure you get all the money you’re owed and shut to the door to him. He’s not worth three threads, concentrate on your own lovely DC.

This. He may repeat a pattern, but he also may not. It’s not unknown for someone to be a poor father to some children, and be considered an excellent father to others.

it’s best to disengage from him completely. What he does or doesn’t do needs to be irrelevant to your life, OP.

You know if I made a connection with a man who described himself as having 50/50 and it turned out he did in fact actually care for his children 50% of the time and made an equitable financial contribution to their upbringing then I would probably consider him an absolutely great catch, but from reading mumsnet I know that 50/50 gets used by men to get out of maintenance, and then the kids get palmed off on their grandparents or aunties and uncles or stepmums when it’s Dad’s contact time.

Yeah but it's damned if you do damned if you don't.

I don't understand this need to dissect men.

They must be x,y and z. I don't see many threads saying we as women looking to date should be a,b and c

But that's because women whose ex Ps genuinely do 50/50 don't come on MN to complain surely?

Having said that, I quite often see women on here commenting that they co-parent well with their ex etc etc.

I don't dispute that there are a LOT of deadbeat dads. But I would certainly give a man who says he has 50/50 the benefit of the doubt. It would quickly become clear if he's talking rubbish because he'd be available all the time and/or leaching off you whenever he could.

Well you don’t have to “dissect” them if you don’t want (it sounds messy and illegal).

But I do get a say in the kind of person that I want to shag/date/spend the rest of my life with, and the parenting behaviours that I’d like that person to demonstrate.

Exactly!
50/50 sounds great, and hopefully they’re representing the situation entirely truthfully, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with some healthy scepticism about the motives.

Thanks. Very informative

This

She probably thinks things are different with her and so he'll be different with any children they have. People delude themselves in all sorts of ways.

Not necessarily. I have a close friend who had a baby born with Downs. Absolute shock to him when baby was born (older mum, higher risk, multiple kids before- all of which didnt see their various dads). Anyway, they split and mum tried to take all of my friends money, lots of drama and very controlling behaviour on her part. My friend tried tooth and nail to see child, bent over backwards but she would pull access at the last minute etc a lot of emotional abuse from her. Basically, long story short, he had to step away for his own mental health. He pays CMS and knows she will look after the child well so unfortunately in this case, its almost like she pushed him out so she could have the child to herself.

Yep, but it's amazing how many people just don't care/fall for the bullshit these men come out with.

Yes it shows he has no moral compass. But he won't be being open with any potential girlfriends about it.