Is it a red flag if a man willingly doesn’t see his child?

[Lizzie67384]

My ex hasn’t seen our son since he was 10 months old… no contact, birthday cards, nothing!

I’ve been made aware that my ex is now in a new relationship with someone, they have a house and a cat (despite our son being very allergic!!) - apparently she is aware he has a son he doesn’t see… For me, that would be a total red flag but I guess it’s not for some people?

I’ve made it clear my ex can see our son when he likes, so he doesn’t have the excuse that I’m stopping him!

Thanks :)

Urgh!! How horrible!

Of course it's a red flag, but I guarantee he's told her some bullshit story.

This line jumped out at me though: I’ve been made aware that my ex is now in a new relationship with someone, they have a house and a cat (despite our son being very allergic!!)

why on earth do you think he cares about your son's allergies if he hasn't seen him for over 3 years and clearly has no intention of seeing him? You obviously are struggling with the reality of your ex's lack of interest in your DS, which I totally understand, but nonetheless, I'm not sure it's healthy.

Good! He doesn’t get to just completely walk away from his own child.

Yup. My sister was just telling me about her friend who’s been left to it with a four year old & two year old. Said he was a no-good-kinda-guy. Then mentioned he’d done the same to his first family, who are in another country... Honestly!

Very true!! I do find it sad that he’s not interested in our son, but generally I try not to let it bother me and don’t think about it too much, however, think I am just having a tough couple of days. I’m sure I’ll be fine and go back to not thinking about it too much!

Yep!! Just sucks that November is DS’s bday month and won’t get the money until December but never mind, at least I’ll get it eventually!

Jesus, what an idiot. There’s no helping some people

Of course it's a massive red flag but there is one born every minute.

My sister's ex was an odious waste of space, work shy, drink problem, fiddled payments as self employed (although hardly works), hardly saw the kids - this prince is about to get married for the 3rd time.

Try and think of something positive - thank goodness you got away from this deadbeat and your son isn't having the uncertainty of him not showing up when he says etc.

Hopefully you’ll have it in time for Christmas at least

That’s terrible!!!

Yup. BIL hasn't even moved out yet and he's already making noises about how hard done by he is because he can't see his DS and he didn't expect this to be his life. This is amusing because even now, SIL is BEGGING him to do more with DS. Plus, he is 100% responsible for the break up.

There is absolutely no doubt that his next girlfriend will hear endlessly about what a witch SIL is, keeping him from his DS etc etc etc.

For me yes as it would signify that I could end up like the ex and their child if we had a child and split,it'd also say something about how loyal they are and how they prioritise things.It'd signify they are tight fisted if not paying maintenance.

However some women are insecure and shallow and would rather their DP's not have anything to do with their exes and the children they have together.

It would be a huge red flag for me, however, my exHs current girlfriend and the previous one clearly don't think it's an issue. I don't know what the current one has been told, a sob story probably.

Some women (men to probably) I think prefer it that way rather than having to share their prize.

@MrsMontyD I think that these women are told complete lies and that's why they accept it. And even when the lies don't really add up, they want them to so they overlook a lot of the red flags.

He probably believes it too. BIL not only has a sob story for anyone new he meets, he gives the SAME sob story to me, DH, MIL and, of course, SIL. We all know it's complete bollocks. But he truly believes it and so it's what he tells anyone who will listen.

Half the time, SIL seems to believe it. [shrug]

@GerbilsForever24 My exH girlfriend before the current one met me a few times at family events and was well aware of the situation, but as far as I can tell did absolutely nothing to encourage contact at all, because it suited her not to. This new one has probably been told a sob story, I’m sure someone in the family will set her straight eventually.

@TiredButDancing Yes, they all like to rewrite history to suit their preferred version of reality. My exH pretends he doesn't see DD because she's getting older and she's busy, which is BS because he hasn't bothered with her for years.

Maybe, but I'd reserve your ire for your ex who is the real problem. Even in light of endless evidence of BIL's uselessness, SIL STILL believes all the shit he told her about his ex. It's weird.

@GerbilsForever24 Oh I do definitely, I give very little thought to him or his current companion. I wouldn't get involved with a man so didn't see his dc though and I'm as flexible as possible so I don't get in the way of DP seeing his.

I mean he fooled you into thinking he was a good person to have a child with so it's not that much of a leap to think he could fool someone else about his character.

There are women that don’t want to compete with the children of a former relationship and thus won’t see a problem. I have no sympathy when history inevitably repeats itself.

I agree with the others why do you care? You’ve been split up for 4 years so was never together as parents? Sounds like the child wasn’t planned and he disappeared some women don’t care and would rather he didn’t see the child so they don’t have to “share” him

and it’s not true that she will push him for contact many women won’t want your child around just take a look at the step mums board. He might have not even told her he has a child (my ex told me he doesn’t tell women)

Yeah, massive red flag for me too.

I’m online dating at the moment and massively suspicious of all these men who say they have their kids 50/50 as well, wonder how many of them palm them off on their grandparents during their contact just so that they could avoid paying maintenance to their ex, or worse - just to deprive her of time with her children. Generally I only look at those profiles who state they have children already when I’ve run out of other matches to swipe.

My son is 5 next week, we were together for years before he was born and 10 months as parents - so he was planned, but thanks for your assumptions!