Husbands 'nail biting' habit, does anyone know what this is?

[mossgreen]

I have been with H 30 years. He has always 'bitten his nails' to some extent. A self soothing habit.
In July 2019 he had an episode of completely unexplained and irrational intense rage. It could only be described as a huge tantrum. He terrified me and made some bizarre and startling accusations. He seemed to be a fundamentally different person afterwards. It was then that I noticed his 'nail biting' had now become really obsessive and intense.
He now spends 2-3 hours every day (or more) chewing, sucking, nibbling and rubbing his gums/teeth. He also pulls his beard and rubs the inside of his nostrils. DC both find it really disgusting and have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he is 'trimming a rough edge' or 'a hangnail'.
There are other serious issues in the relationship and and I am struggling in many ways. I would like to know if any one understands this behaviour or has ever seen it in an adult before?
Thank you

Might be way off base and if so I apologise, but does he do drugs?

I am a nail-biter. My habit gets noticeably worse when I am stressed, and is a key indicator of my worsening state of mind.

They all sound like ways to try to manage huge stress and anxiety, mine does the same and has bitten them right down, he also scratches along his hair line sometimes till it bleeds. I think he has quite bad issues though, possibly a personality disorder, he's on meds for anxiety now.
What are the other issues?

How has his rage been since 2019?

What, if anything, made him this volatile back in 2019?. You are not responsible for that from him; that is on him.

Your children are noticing all this happening around them. What are they learning about relationships from the two of you?.

Does your H work outside the home? What are his parents like?.

What other serious issues are there in your relationship?.

This sounds like extreme anxiety. DH has GAD and pulls at his beard or rubs his eyebrows when he’s anxious. It’s a way of self soothing, but can easily tip over into something more obsessive.

I was a nail biter from age 5 - 29. I only recognised my nail biting was linked to stress and anxiety during the lockdowns, not too long ago. It was worse when I was driving, when it was just me and my thoughts, no distractions from TVs/phones. It was both a habit and soothing. Just when things were a bit overwhelming I would do it... however I would watch closely the incident of rage you described. I wouldn't say nail biting would be enough to keep anger at bay.

I recognised nail biting was unhealthy for me and not pleasant for those around me. I started focusing on my fitness, wellbeing, and really got into ASMR to calm my mind.

Was there a trigger for the rage? How soon did it settle? Has it happened since?

I'd suggest extreme anxiety as per PP.

This isn't about the nail biting.

There are other serious issues in the relationship and and I am struggling in many ways.

The nail biting etc is a tiny part of what is going on, and isn't what needs your focus.

Thanks so much, I will try and answer the questions. I really appreciate you answering. Some of you are very astute!

He smokes weed

Serious MH issues - diagnosed as resistant treatment depression, anger, foul and abusive language. He has lost every relationship he ever had (except me and DC) in the last 7 years.

I walk on eggshells.
Example - on Sunday he had a form to fill in, it was technical and tax related. The spreadsheet wasn't working properly, it was frustrating.
And so he starts. Black tracksuit, hood up, loud monotonous music playing on air-pods under his hood. He is a big man - 6 foot 7 and 16 stone. He is intimidating. Sits on the floor holding the keyboard for about 3 hours occasionally screaming "FUCK OFF" "CUNT" "FUCK" etc etc. I go and ask him to please stop it as DD and her BF are cooking a lovely meal and it isn't fair. He then starts shouting "I'm going to tell people what you are like, you are a bully, you have DESTROYED ME. YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME" etc.

Before 2019, from when I met him until then, he had blamed everything on his parents and their neglect. This is undoubtedly true. His father is the most unpleasant man I have ever met and this is not just my view. In 2019 he decided I was also evil. At first it was intermittent - after the first incident it was months before it happened again. But it has been the last 3 Sundays. All day. I only get Sundays off work.

It is terrifying and I am ending the relationship. I need a better understanding of it all to help me with my own issues around co dependance.

We both had truly dysfunctional and damaging childhoods and I am moving towards being free, but it is hard. I need to process a lot of things first.

This is a bit weird seeing as how our user names are half the same! I was married for 30 years to someone with anxiety, depression, OCD but who refused to get help for it. He did the beard pulling thing. As he got older he seemed to get worse, paranoid, until he terrified me a couple of times with his behaviour, the final time I awoke in the middle of the night having major panic attack after something he had falsely accused me of, heart rate going crazy and realised I was too frightened to sleep as half expected a knife in my back. We split that week........ My only regret is I didn't do it much sooner, please get out🙏💐

LTB OP. Sounds toxic.

I'm a nail biter, always have been. It gets much worse when I'm stressed. There's also a cyclical nature to it.

I bite my nails which makes them ragged, the ragged bits feel rough and scraped so I bite more to get rid of those, which creates more, so I bite more...... ad infinitum.

In good phases I put false nails on which gets rid of the ragged bits so I can avoid and often don't even want to bite my nails but then something sets me off.

Can you suggest tending to his nails instead. So good moisturiser, cuticle sticks to tidy up the ragged cuticles and edges of the nail bed. File down any sharp bits so they don't set him off when he rubs his nail against his lips.

Cross posted op with your last post. I too had dysfunctional upbringing, which led to people pleasing/doormat nature. I realised after I left that I felt responsible for him, as if he was yet another dependent that I needed to look after (I've been doing this all my life from early childhood). It's only after you leave that you have the time and peace to process things. I'm 10 years on now and the peace is bliss!

Thank you

If I can witter on a bit, I think it might help me.

I did very well in education and have worked tirelessly to become a highly qualified psychologist and private therapist. I founded and run a large CIC which supports a wide range of people and has gained me respect in the local community.

H has never moved beyond a basic entry level job despite a huge amount of support from me - various courses, lots of things tried. Now he just wants to stop working and seems to be heading towards being sacked.

About 2 years ago, when he was in a good mood, I asked him to do a little test on line. Our daughter had been diagnosed with ASD and I was working intensely (and very successfully with her) to help her through some issues around PDA/Alexithymia/anxiety/food/sensory issues etc. He did the test and scored 27/40 with anything over 10 being a strong indicator of ASD. He has subsequently refused to discuss it and seems to have developed paranoia/narcissistic patterns. DM says I have only just noticed these, and I was blinded by love and co dependence before.

I am ending the relationship but he will refused to leave and go berserk. I need to think it all though and really appreciate the kind words and empathy.

I feel responsible for him and have taken responsibility for him for 30 years. Since I was a child.
He feels I am responsible for him and he in entilted to all of me. Like a small child to their mother. It hit me very hard when, in the summer, he screamed "I hate you, you have ruined my life, I hate you" and I said (calmly) "You know what, I don't like you either" and his face was pure shock. He has brought that up repeatedly. And the few occasions I have snapped and called him a name. These incidents, he claims, have destroyed his self esteem and made him unemployable etc.

It is exhausting. I am. perfectly happy in myself and have dealt with the legacy of my horrendous childhood. I am not carrying on with this but need to understand so he cannot manipulate me when I tell him my decision.

How did you do it? Practically.

This sounds bloody awful OP, it really does. Make the moves you need to in order to get yourself to a safer place, both physically and emotionally.

I need a better understanding of it all to help me with my own issues around co dependance.

I feel that that sentence illustrates codependence, in that you don't need to understand all of what is going on with him in order to help yourself. His situation is his situation.

This is a good book on codependence if that is something you're interested in, Melody Beattie is also worth a search on Spotify, she's a guest on a fair few podcasts recently. Take care of yourself.

@GreenManalishi I mean I know i am easily manipulated. When I tell him he will probably leave his job and plunge into a MH crisis to demand support. He will try and manipulate DC. I want to think it thru first, and avoid a huge trauma for them (17&19yo)

But I agree, and I'll look at the book

highly qualified psychologist and private therapist. I founded and run a large CIC which supports a wide range of people and has gained me respect in the local community.

and there I am suggesting books on codependency! I'm sure you have a library full.

Maybe you need to really take off your professional hat here, and accept that this is not a job to complete, or a project to get right. His behaviour is unacceptable and you do not have to stay in this damaging situation. The reasons for it are not yours.

You need to seperate yourself physically and emotionally from him, not diagnose him and fix him. It's going to be hard to make any headway with your own issues while living in this awful situation. What's your living situation, is there any reason you can't seperate?

I have no doubt that ended up doing this because of skills I learned dealing with a very challenging man. I see it as 'he changed' but we both changed.

The rages started when I stopped arguing back. We used to argue then both be sorry and it was over. I stopped and refused to engage.

I never wear my professional hat at home, but I don't doubt I ended up in this profession through an endless desire to help him

No doubt. If you dig a little deeper with a lot of therapists they have a history of trauma, as you will know.

Back to the original question you posed, which was why does he bite his nails. Reading through what you've written this is the most benign of his disturbing behaviours, but a reason would be his serious MH issues and treatment resistent depression, surely?

No doubt your DC find it disgusting, they are also presumably disgusted by his damaging rage tantrums, entitlement, paranoia, anger foul and abusive language towards their mother.

You walk on eggshells, you are terrified and exhausted. What would your advice to a client be if they came to you with this picture?

He has lost every relationship he ever had (except me and DC) in the last 7 years, and rightly so. I'm wondering what makes you think that you and your DC aren't worth more than this? What will it take for you to get you and them away from him into a less damaging space?

Do you have a reason that you can't seperate from him?

Sorry, it would be rather outing to give details of how I got to separate as a bit of a unique situation, but you have to be strong, assertive and make it very clear there is no way back as he will try to manipulate you every way he can and any weakness will be used!! Also, goes without saying I'm sure, but make sure you have everything you need paperwork wise so you don't have to be in contact afterwards and do it in as safe a manner as you can as in someone else with you or after you have physically left (some of my adult sons were still living with me which helped greatly).

Initially I didn't divorce, was just happy to be free and knew he would fight it. I did eventually have to due to his behaviour (stalking), I found a very scary female solicitor who reassured me that she had dealt with men like him many times, (which shocked me as thought it was a pretty unique situation at the time!) and true to her word she manipulated him very cleverly and forced his hand.

I can't get over the similarities in our situation as i am a therapist in NHS, which I studied for as an adult with 3 kids, plus husband who did very little to help even though didn't work for last 20 years of our marriage. Hopefully you will get out at an earlier stage than I did and make a new and peaceful life for you and any children. It's not going to be easy but you can do this💪