Husbands 'nail biting' habit, does anyone know what this is?

[mossgreen]

I have been with H 30 years. He has always 'bitten his nails' to some extent. A self soothing habit.
In July 2019 he had an episode of completely unexplained and irrational intense rage. It could only be described as a huge tantrum. He terrified me and made some bizarre and startling accusations. He seemed to be a fundamentally different person afterwards. It was then that I noticed his 'nail biting' had now become really obsessive and intense.
He now spends 2-3 hours every day (or more) chewing, sucking, nibbling and rubbing his gums/teeth. He also pulls his beard and rubs the inside of his nostrils. DC both find it really disgusting and have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he is 'trimming a rough edge' or 'a hangnail'.
There are other serious issues in the relationship and and I am struggling in many ways. I would like to know if any one understands this behaviour or has ever seen it in an adult before?
Thank you

The elephant in the room - his ‘weed’ habit ☘️🙏🏽

Hit nail on the head there👍

Just realised that your children are older than I thought, my youngest was 18 at the time, I think they were greatly relieved so don't worry about it. I tried, stupidly, to maintain a connection with him at first for them but as @GreenManalishi eloquently pointed out your kids are probably embarrassed by him and were equally relieved not to have to live with him. A close friend gave me a good talking to about how they were all adults and a relationship was up to them to maintain or otherwise so I disengaged totally. They now have very little contact with him and I feel terrible as all I ever wanted was a good father for my children and a happy, normal family life having not had one myself. They don't seem to hold it against me thank goodness, all at mine for xmas and my youngest still lives with me.

Dermatillomania / Dermatophagia and Trichotillomania. I have this, it’s linked to my OCD, but as others have said, there are wider use at play.

Yes, he is great company after his nightly spliff. Funny, kind. I have never asked him to stop because it is the only time he seems like he is actually happy/normal.

I am so sorry @mossgreen. The nailbiting is the least of your worries.

This man is abusive and unpleasant. You've got to get out of the relationship for your own safety and sanity.

He reminds me of my ex, whowas an alcoholic, increasingly erratic and antisocial, and ultimately refused to leave. Sat around all day leeching off me, drinking cheap lager then blaming his situation on me. Constant stress and eggshells ar home. Took me a long time to get him out.

Regular weed smoking will do an absolute number on your mental health, believe me I know. Paranoia, sudden rages, the works.

But he also sounds abusive and toxic.

You've carried him long enough OP, now's the time to get yourself out of it and focus on your own life.

DC have both been clear that they would not put up with it. Friends and family have repeatedly told me he is a millstone around my neck.
He was a truly exceptional father to the children when they were young. A great carer, nurturing, did the night wakes and his fair share of illnesses etc. As DC have grown he has fallen apart to a greater and greater extent.
He cried and had a tantrum because DD17 didn't carve a pumpkin with him. He was morose for days and days because no one would have a bonfire with him. It is absurd and yes, embarrassing.
DC are both pretty incredible and together, I do not want them burdened by his behaviour when I am not there.
I am going, have no doubt. But I have a lot to think about and a lot of financial concerns as he will almost certainly stop working and make himself dependant on me.

Jesus, he sounds awful.
I would leave someone like this.

He can't make himself dependent on you unless you let him! It's not like there will be child maintenance issues and no judge is going to award spousal maintenance in those circumstances.

Okay, well, all the useful information has come out since I posted originally!

This is clearly unsustainable as a relationship. He is your partner, he isn’t your patient. You can’t fix him.

If he wants to be fixed then he will have to get that sorted for himself. But you can’t all live together while he decides whether or not he wants to do that, and puts it into action. He can go away and get himself sorted, and then if you want to give him a second chance after that, you can.

But he isn’t your job.

OP, I strongly suggest you put plans in place to move yourself and your children to a safe place BEFORE you tell him you're leaving.

Normally you'd be advised not to leave the family home, etc. but the behaviours you've described ring massive alarm bells for your safety. This man doesn't love you as an adult should love a partner - he seems to view you as a substitute mother figure to be hated, resented, and feared at one minute, then desperately clung to the next.

I'd personally look to secure a short-term rental, move yourself and the kids in, start divorce proceedings immediately and insist on the house being sold and a clean break on the equity. He can then choose to stop working and make himself homeless if he likes - that's his choice, and none of your responsibility.

Please get your children out of there. I'm imagining your poor DD and her BF having to listen to him screaming obscenities at a laptop, and thinking that's somehow normal and just has to be tolerated. You all deserve so much better.

Funny OP, I have a dc with ASD too and suspect DH of ASD and NPD. I say funny but of course it's not. He's covert and passive aggressive - obsessed with looking good, always the victim never to blame for anything, no self esteem but an ego that is always looking to be fed. People are pawns to those with NPD, they're useful - or they're not, they make them look good - or they don't, and they'll cut people out without a second thought if they're not or they don't. However if you want to leave they'll cling like nothing else. They lack empathy or remorse and are entirely selfish. No cure either, just years of therapy - now they seem to put it down to brain differences so no cure in the future either.

You probably know all this though so I'm wondering why you're particularly concerned about the nail biting and beard thing? Don't you recognise them as signs of anxiety and stress which are common with ASD and PD's? I'm wondering what you're looking for from this thread?

make himself dependant on me

You know this, but he point of a divorce is that he would not be able to make himself dependant on you. You would live seperately, physically, financially, and emotionally, and it sounds like it's the last one that might be the sticking point for you.

I fully understand that thirty years is a long long time, but you need to stop fulfilling that dependable mother role, in order to break this naughty child cycle you're in. You sound like you're in a good position to be able to access the therapy that you might need to untangle yourself from this relationship and move on.

In practical terms, get a hold of all of the financial information relevant, ie mortgage, name on the deeds, bank statements, earnings, any savings and pension information plus basic outgoings. See a solicitor, and find out what the financial position is likely to be if you divorce, and start proceedings.

If you are scared of what he will do, then rent somewhere for you and the kids, and then tell him you want a divorce. Tell the kids. Tell your friends and family. And then step through the motions with your solicitor. It's not pleasant, and you will need resolve to get through it, so get really clear why you're doing it, starting with a belief and sure knowledge that his behaviour is nothing to do with you, and not your mess to stick around and clear up.

What he does after you leave in terms of quitting his job, not going out of the house for days, eating mouldy baked beans from the can, drinking and smoking himself into a mineral state shouldn't be on your list of things to think about.

op, you could be describing my exh! years of mental health crisis, non of which he acknowledged. always said there was nothing wrong with him and refused to engage with services, called myself and the children names. horrendous way to live, walking on eggshells and im ashamed to admit, i used to wish he would go to sleep and never wake up. in the end, he left for ow, and it was the best day of our lives. and in the last 18months, hes made her life hell. which i will admit makes me feel very smug as i was made to feel even by his family that i hadnt supported him enough. if you can leave, leave, it'll be the best thing u ever do, trust me.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You cannot allow him to be dependent on you going forward. You have never been responsible for his actions and choices although you do feel very responsible for him. Put your own self along with your kids front and centre for a change. He sees

Your own childhood experiences led you to this man and one of your parents taught you how to be codependent. You’ve been conditioned to out other peoples needs ahead of your own. His needs though are not more important than your own and you remain mired in codependency. I do not think you’ve actually fully dealt with the legacies that your childhood has left you at all,

He continues to meet your needs relating to codependency. You cannot fix his pain and being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works. I

I feel for your children the most here because they’ve both seen and heard an awful lot more than either of you realise. They probably wonder why you’re still together at all. Do you also think that he would be bothered with his children post separation, I doubt it very much unless he uses them as a stick to beat and otherwise control you with. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

But I have a lot to think about and a lot of financial concerns as he will almost certainly stop working and make himself dependant on me.

He cannot do this unless you let him.

He isn't a primary carer of your kids so there's no argument for him being financially dependent on you on that front.

You can have a clean financial split on divorce and never have to speak to him again due to the age of your kids.

Kindly OP, one of your children is an legally an adult and the other is only a year off being one. So you won't need to facilitate a relationship between them and him, you won't need to be middle man. Both will be hugely relieved not to share a home with a volatile man who dictates the mood of the house.

They will I'm afraid also be angry at some point that they had to live under the same roof as this dynamic for as long as they have. It may also inform their future relationships more than you realise as while our parents may say XYZ is not acceptable or healthy, witnessing them continue to tolerate XYZ cancels those words out.

Let that fuel you. Staying isn't in their best interests. You said you're planning to leave. Can we help with that plan logistics wise?

There's no feasible reason to stay with him any longer. I know that you're scared of the fall out as he'll kick off of course, He's not going to ever be reasonable about you ending the relationship because he's not a reasonable person.

So whenever you do it, you'll have to unfortunately deal with the fall out but the sooner you do get the wheels properly in motion behind the scenes, the sooner you can stop feeling this way and start living your own life without someone dragging you down.

Due to his unpredictable nature, volatility and physical size I would be concerned about your safety if you tried to just have a talk with him about breaking up and him leaving the home for example. I think you will need some support in person, is there anyone in your life who could provide that? Or could you access some professional support through your work?

I agree..... And I think the nail biting is a bit of red herring given what else he says/does

Yes, I am leaving him and not because he bites his nails.

I have caused confusion!

I was concerned the nail biting could be a form of paraphilia. It is so bizarre and intense. He doesn't do it near DC but in the evenings he's in a trance, it's really odd. But yes, I am going to split with him because he is a controlling bully.

This looks to be someone in significant MH decline.

Seems like it’s has been in slow attrition for some time and has now shifter to another accelerated phase.

He seems to have lost all perspective and proportion - his thinking has become more rigid, his emotional capacity limited and you are the nominated target and discharge for his rage.

I have witnessed similar up close with a couple of close friends. Both also in the caring professions who were in some “boiling the frog” scenario in their own home regarding absorbing and tolerating dysfunctional behaviours.

Once the partners started to detach and move on the behaviours escalated to extreme manipulation (constant suicide threats and self harm) and violence (teenage daughter was twice the recipient of a physical attack).

I would consider your safety and that of your children to be a significant risk and I would seek professional support to protect you all physically and emotionally.

Please don’t underestimate this situation.

Thank you @Glorified yes. Thank you. I accept this.
I am a boiled frog.

He knows, absolutely knows if he ever abused DC in anyway he is gone. Not just from this house, from our lives entirely. He knows. My dad hit my son when he was 3 and I scorched the earth and it has been spoken about in hushed tones by my extended and absurd network of siblings since. My dad is a serious head-case, I can't cay much because his level of unhinged brutality is actually locally famous. That was 16 years ago, and DH refers to it sometimes.

He was also an exceptional father to them until they were 14/16.

He is accelerating. Declining. I accept this and appreciate your post.

I am making an appointment with a Solicitor but need to be sure and solid and sort my head out fully so I persist.

@northernlight20 many are the night I lie longing for him to have an affair, but he has no relationships with anyone. Only me. No one else in the world.
Thanks for your positive story, maybe I should put his details on tinder 😂

@monsteramunch I think I need legal advice to understand my position.
I have earned all the money we spend, since we met. He has only ever had pocket money jobs despite being a qualified engineer with a high earning potential. I am worried about losing my children's home, my home. He will refuse to leave. I am anxious about practical issues. I need to sort my head out.

Hi op - he’s abusive isn’t he. He brings his problems on himself. You most likely have been loving and encouraging at times. Your marriage was never going to be easy given your early childhood experiences. He’s is not a father figure your children need. I think you may be confusing love with pity.
can you afford therapy? Keep posting. 🌺

@mossgreen was he always like this as in has it gradually got worse or did it start all of a sudden ?

Thank you for posting. Yes he is. Yes he does. I have tried and infrequently lost my temper. Both of us were fucked over by seriously damaged and damaging fathers, no doubt.

For him? I spent thousands on therapy and if anything it has made him worse! For me? Yes it has been helpful and I have come to terms with leaving but have to clear a few issues for myself.