Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you check before making plans?

57 replies

SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 13:13

Three years into my relationship with BF. We don’t live together and each have DCs.
Lately I’ve been begun to feel taken for granted.
BF seems to fit me in wherever suits - we still make arrangements to see other day to day, and he still wants me to ‘invite’ him to stay over (rather than it becoming a ‘norm’ in any sense). He often forgets about future plans we make / suggest and very often announces things he has on at the weekends, for example, at the last minute.
I don’t mean it in any sense of being controlling, but surely at some point things start to change over to a situation whereby spending time together is the default, and possible plans, etc are checked / discussed first?

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 08/11/2022 13:24

So basically you're an option and not a priority.

I'd see it for what it is, as much as that may hurt.

Original poster
SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 13:28

@Badger1970 yeah, that’s pretty much how it feels :(

OP posts:
TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 08/11/2022 13:35

I don’t think there’s a clear cut answer. It’s a balance.

I wouldn’t particularly communicate things in advance unless it was a night where we were normally together or it kind of came up organically when we were making weekend plans.

At the same time, it’s totally not fair to make someone fit around everyone else or to make no time for them. And it’s not ok to forget plans and then to cancel in order to go ahead with a different plan made later.

So I think in some respects you’re right and in some you’re perhaps not (with the limited information I have). Plus people and relationship dynamics vary.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2022 13:40

When we moved in together, dh and I downloaded a joint calendar app- they’re free and they’re really useful for putting in plans

It sounds like you need something like that and more effective communication

Original poster
SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 13:45

Thank you @TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz I agree there are varying circumstances.
I’m trying to think of examples without being too specific / outing.
One instance - he has a hobby which sometimes runs competitions over a weekend day. He knows about these in advance, but will rarely mention that he’s taking part until the day before, etc.

A different example - last Friday evening he should have had his DS, but EXW wanted to take him to an event, so BF effectively had a ‘free’ evening. Rather than see if I wanted to something together (and we have very little ‘alone’ time lately), his immediate thought was that he’d go and do an extra session of his hobby (that he normally does every other week). If he’d mentioned it, then I would’ve encouraged him to go and enjoy himself - it’s the lack of consideration that feels very hurtful - but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 13:45

@Shoxfordian I’m not sure he’d go for that

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 08/11/2022 13:48

Some people are just really bad at committing to stuff, and if it bothers you, and it does, maybe that's a message about this relationship.

If a serious sit down talk hasn't helped....maybe this isn't what you want?

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2022 15:52

Why wouldn’t he when it makes your lives easier?

dudsville · 08/11/2022 15:57

He's not really in a relationship with you.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2022 15:58

Because you're not living together it probably just stopped at that "dating/B/f-g/f" stage

TomTraubertsBlues · 08/11/2022 16:00

Three years in, yes, I would expect you to be the priority. The fact that he forgets plans he's made with you is just insulting.

Are there any plans to move in together? Is that what you'd want? Normally after 3 years people who are serious would be moving in together.

SweetChild0mine · 08/11/2022 16:02

SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 13:13

Three years into my relationship with BF. We don’t live together and each have DCs.
Lately I’ve been begun to feel taken for granted.
BF seems to fit me in wherever suits - we still make arrangements to see other day to day, and he still wants me to ‘invite’ him to stay over (rather than it becoming a ‘norm’ in any sense). He often forgets about future plans we make / suggest and very often announces things he has on at the weekends, for example, at the last minute.
I don’t mean it in any sense of being controlling, but surely at some point things start to change over to a situation whereby spending time together is the default, and possible plans, etc are checked / discussed first?

I'd probably get annoyed at this.

My partner is the other way "am I ok to do overtime on xyz" "what weekend are we here" I always laugh and say you don't need to ask me and he says no but Im checking we don't have something on.

There's been a few times in the past where he's messed up and I've changed our plans to suit his and I think he felt bad, but it wasn't a big issue. Where he's messed up and missed out I think it was a realisation for him as I'm happy to move plans between us but where they're with other people... i went without him. I done this originally so he knew my life continued even if he didn't consider me at that moment. I also don't book anything in when we have plans arranged.

A little bit of thought goes a long way. Maybe have a chat?

Original poster
SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 16:03

Thanks all for your comments - I do think a talk is in order, I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable in my thinking.

That it hasn’t (in his mind) evolved past the basic dating stage is a very real feel for me, which I have expressed to him before. He is always very reassuring, etc, but words are not matching actions, so I think it might just be time to call it quits

OP posts:
TomTraubertsBlues · 08/11/2022 16:05

Joint calendar apps are appropriate when you live together, because it's important to know if the other person will be away etc.

At the dating stage, it's not appropriate

I guess the question is, why are you still at the dating stage after 3 years. Is this going anywhere? Are you happy to stay at this stage forever?

Tbh, if he wanted to move things on, he would have raised it.

ZaSar · 08/11/2022 16:06

Your expecting too much and are on different pages. Your not living together so likely he has no inclination to tell you what he’s doing all the time unless it conflicts with plans you’ve already made.

Your problem is your acting like your a live in girlfriend or wife who has a life that’s intertwined with him so you should be made aware of what he’s doing, where as the reality is your a girlfriend who he doesn’t live with, possibly doesn’t want to live with, and he’s treating you accordingly (which isn’t to say he’s treating you badly).

In all honesty it’s you who is unreasonable to think he should just expect your going to be together at certain times or check in with you to see if he can do his hobby on a weekend - I know you say otherwise but that does come off controlling and is likely how he will see it if you bring it up.

Its like you are trying to push the relationship into as mode more like that of husband and wife, which isn’t appropriate at this stage and would scare many men off.

SweetChild0mine · 08/11/2022 16:09

ZaSar · 08/11/2022 16:06

Your expecting too much and are on different pages. Your not living together so likely he has no inclination to tell you what he’s doing all the time unless it conflicts with plans you’ve already made.

Your problem is your acting like your a live in girlfriend or wife who has a life that’s intertwined with him so you should be made aware of what he’s doing, where as the reality is your a girlfriend who he doesn’t live with, possibly doesn’t want to live with, and he’s treating you accordingly (which isn’t to say he’s treating you badly).

In all honesty it’s you who is unreasonable to think he should just expect your going to be together at certain times or check in with you to see if he can do his hobby on a weekend - I know you say otherwise but that does come off controlling and is likely how he will see it if you bring it up.

Its like you are trying to push the relationship into as mode more like that of husband and wife, which isn’t appropriate at this stage and would scare many men off.

Not appropriate at this stage?!

It's not appropriate to want to spend some extra time together after three year and for her to expect him to consider her first before a hobby ? I don't even know if you're joking ?

It's not controlling OP

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2022 16:10

@ZaSar tbf though after being together 3 years the vast majority of people would expect the relationship to have progressed passed that stage, the OP isn't unreasonable to want that progression and to to find out if her boyfriend has any intention of ever wanting that too. Scaring a man off for wanting some more commitment after being together 3 years might not be such a bad thing........

Also, he forgets plans they had made, that would annoy me too

SweetChild0mine · 08/11/2022 16:10

SwingByLater · 08/11/2022 16:03

Thanks all for your comments - I do think a talk is in order, I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable in my thinking.

That it hasn’t (in his mind) evolved past the basic dating stage is a very real feel for me, which I have expressed to him before. He is always very reassuring, etc, but words are not matching actions, so I think it might just be time to call it quits

Do you spend important dates together? Birthdays, Christmas etc

TomTraubertsBlues · 08/11/2022 16:12

After 3 years, I would be expecting him to either shit or get off the pot (excuse the phrase!)

At this stage, either you combine your lives (which appears to be what you want), or you agree to part. Drifting on as you are isn't an option if you both want different things. He's happy dating, but you're not.

AubadeIsIt · 08/11/2022 16:13

What's with the obsessive harping about not living together ? They both have children from previous relationships, maybe living separately is their best option for the moment, and doesn't mean they're not serious. His behaviour, however, must be disappointing, yeah, because it sounds like he's not as committed.

BeyondMyWits · 08/11/2022 16:14

Three years? Have you talked about what you both want from your relationship, where you see yourself next year etc...

TomTraubertsBlues · 08/11/2022 16:14

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2022 16:10

@ZaSar tbf though after being together 3 years the vast majority of people would expect the relationship to have progressed passed that stage, the OP isn't unreasonable to want that progression and to to find out if her boyfriend has any intention of ever wanting that too. Scaring a man off for wanting some more commitment after being together 3 years might not be such a bad thing........

Also, he forgets plans they had made, that would annoy me too

Exactly. After 3 years I'd expect to be the priority, not just someone he sees occasionally.

If they both want to be casual, great. But that's not what the OP wants, is it?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2022 16:19

AubadeIsIt · 08/11/2022 16:13

What's with the obsessive harping about not living together ? They both have children from previous relationships, maybe living separately is their best option for the moment, and doesn't mean they're not serious. His behaviour, however, must be disappointing, yeah, because it sounds like he's not as committed.

I mentioned it because I think that's how relationships usually naturally progress to the next stage and maybe that's a reason why it hasn't done so? But I can definitely see the benefits of living separately when both parties have children from previous relationships so I wasn't implying they should move in together either

XAQ · 08/11/2022 16:30

I think, whatever way you choose to run your relationship needs to suit both of you. Also, the different stages of life might also come into its

I will never live with my DP of 4 years, yet this feels like the most loving and committed relationship I've had. We usually see each other on a weeknight and then every weekend. He or I will text in advance if we are changing this agreement. I wouldn't necessarily tell him what I was doing outside of those days unless it comes up.

Both 50

ZaSar · 08/11/2022 16:36

@SweetChild0mine

Its not appropriate that when they’re not living together that the first available time he has off is expected to be dedicated to her and not a hobby no.

Its appropriate to plan things together and do them. Not to have the expectation that his time is to be spent with her unless otherwise arranged. That is controlling.