Do you check before making plans?

[SwingByLater]

Three years into my relationship with BF. We don’t live together and each have DCs.
Lately I’ve been begun to feel taken for granted.
BF seems to fit me in wherever suits - we still make arrangements to see other day to day, and he still wants me to ‘invite’ him to stay over (rather than it becoming a ‘norm’ in any sense). He often forgets about future plans we make / suggest and very often announces things he has on at the weekends, for example, at the last minute.
I don’t mean it in any sense of being controlling, but surely at some point things start to change over to a situation whereby spending time together is the default, and possible plans, etc are checked / discussed first?

@AryaStarkWolf

Perhaps but it hasn’t. There are many people post divorce with kids who probably don’t want the relationship to progress to living together, either because it’s incompatible with their current life with kids or else they are still feeling burnt and don’t want to go down that road again.

Absolutely she should ask him what his intentions are - but expecting free time of his to automatically be dedicated to her as a first option is controlling imo and few men would respond well.

@AubadeIsIt

Why? Because he had time off and did a hobby instead of rushing to her as apparently expected?

Of course it is.

Stop trying to play down the relationship because they don't live together. Some married couples live apart because that works for them.

The issue is, after three years, he doesn't want to spend more time with her and always put himself first. Which is fine. This is obviously not where she is with her feelings, maybe he's led her to believe it's very very serious but can't live together because of kids.

A relationship is not more stable, more important or happier because a couple lives together

@TomTraubertsBlues

Sounds like he sees her a lot, he just does like to plan that and not just have it as expected that they are spending the weekend together etc

And from the way she didn’t want him doing his hobby but instead thought his first thought should be of her I get why he’s keeping her at arms length.

If it’s like this now what will it be like if they live together? Will he be “allowed” to do anything without permission?

@SweetChild0mine

Its absolutely not reasonable that she finds he’s had a day off for his hobby and the first thought is, “that was time he should have dedicated to me”.

If they had of been living together she would have known of the day off and he could have told her he was going to do his hobby and they could have planned something else on a different day. As they are not there was no reason to tell her as it wouldn’t have come up and wasn’t interfering with any plans anyway.

And that's absolutely fine of course if that's the kind of relationship they have both agreed to, I do 100% get why a couple with children from previous relationships would rather not move into together and "blend" the families, that can be extremely difficult for everyone involved however after 3 years I would still expect a bit more commitment from my boyfriend and want more of a partnership, if he doesn't want that he is being unreasonable and a bit selfish actually to not tell the OP that when she asks him. He should be clear so she can choose to walk away if she doesn't want a forever casual type set up. Don't you agree?

You're missing her point, he never considers to see her even though he has other days assigned to this hobby.

She is not being unreasonable and her feelings are justified. It may be they're at different stages which is also fine but if they're not in the same place it's not working.

@AryaStarkWolf

I don’t agree that him doing a hobby when he has a free day and not telling her or wanting to make plans instead of assuming they’ll be spending time together on her terms does make it a casual relationship.

Sounds like they see a lot of each other and it’s quite serious. There are many husbands and wives who make plans and don’t simply assume they’re going to be together in all free time. Imo that is a little bit of an odd assumption.
Many husband upon learning they had extra time off would do some kind of hobby. I don’t think it’s. a big deal.

@SweetChild0mine

Just disagree. I think her level of expectation that free time of his is assumed to be “their time” unless specified to be otherwise is unreasonable. Actually even if they lived together I think that’s unreasonable but when they don’t it really is.

Honestly I can’t see many men tolerating a woman who has these expectations

I can't see many women tolerating a man who puts them last either... but everyone is different and has different standards/expectations

hhhhmmm I don't know, I've never had a relationship of that length of time where I didn't live with the person. All I can say from my own experience is me and my DH would always talk about the weekends and either make plans together or check with the other if they wanted to do something with friends/a hobby so it wasn't interfering with plans they might have forgotten about, I thought that was fairly standard practice in serious relationships 💁

I'm in the same situation and finding it a bit frustrating. Would love to know what the solution is.

He's not that into you. Or he's so unorganised and flaky. Both would be a Total no-no from me. Get rid.

He didn't have a day off for his hobby.

He unexpectedly found he had a free evening, and chose to do his hobby rather than spend time with the OP, who was disappointed because they hadn't had much time together.

@AryaStarkWolf yeah sure you can check if something you wanted to do didn’t interfere with already existing plans and certainly tell your so what your doing so they’re aware - but if for instance your husband had decided he was going to do a hobby, say play golf or something, then yes he would tell you but given you see each other all the time anyway I wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal that that time wasn’t assumed to be getting dedicated to you just because it was spare.

Couples make plans with friends or for hobbies all the time then consult with their other half to check if there isn’t anything else on - I agree with that. But the odd thing here is that they had no plans to be together so he planned to do something with his spare time and her assumption was that that spare time should be dedicated to her first and foremost.

If your not living with someone you absolutely don’t need to run it by then that you can do a hobby on an upcoming free day - when you didn’t have plans with them for that day anyway. That OP thinks he does is controlling for me

@blacksax

So? There was no reason she should have been expecting that every moment of free time he dedicated to her anyway.

Tbh this sounds awfully controlling on her part and I think of a man was demanding his girlfriend check any hobbies she did with him and that her first free time be dedicated to them people would say he was emotionally abusive.

Reasonable to tell him how you're feeling, and lay out what you want from the relationship in future. Also totally reasonable to be annoyed when he forgets plans you've made together, which is very disrespectful.

Not reasonable, though, to expect him to default to spending any free time with you, or to expect him to notify you whenever he gets free time. (In my opinion.)

Personally, I hugely value having the freedom to do my own thing. I think that applies to many people, perhaps especially those with children, who might reasonably see post-split life as a time to make their own choices and not be driven by someone else.

You might find that too selfish! Then I guess it's a question of whether you can find a compromise that works for you both, or if you're better off going your separate ways.

Because he takes you for granted. When he meets someone he wants to settle down with (possibly start a family?) he will dump you.

Do you want to keep him?

If so, end it with him.

He will either come back or stay gone.

If he stays gone you've saved yourself future heartache and taken control of the situation.

If he comes back it's on your terms.

Don't be horrible when you end it, just state what you want and the fact he isn't able to give that to you. You don't want to stay friends (provide an easy in for him) you want to cut contact since that will be easier for you.

If you don't take this advice you will be dumped unceremoniously down the road.

Weve never done that. We've always made our own plans and then seen each other when we don't have other plans. Then we moved in and got a joint calendar but still make our own plans. Will obvs change now we have a baby on the way though!

Have to admit it and This may be a bit blunt OP, but I think @onmytenthcoffee is right. You're a stop gap.

“That it hasn’t (in his mind) evolved past the basic dating stage is a very real feel for me, which I have expressed to him before. He is always very reassuring, etc, but words are not matching actions, so I think it might just be time to call it quits”

My sister ended a relationship 5 years in because it hadn’t progressed past basic dating. The ending when it came was quite spontaneous - he made a particularly obnoxious remark when they were out for dinner which confirmed to her that nothing would ever change - at the end of the evening she finished with him. She feels she wasted about 2 years with him.

I agree.

Me and DH were together a couple years before we moved in together and it wouldn't have occurred to me to run my plans by him before making them, unless of course I had plans with him already!

I honestly feel we're missing the point.

She is not saying he has to ask if he can go somewhere or participate in his hobby.

She is saying they get rare time together at the moment and he didn't think to consider seeing her.

I don't think he needs to check with you before arranging things - i don't think he default would be that you'll be together if yiu don't olive together, but yiu definitely shouldn't be the fall back position and arrangements with you should be honoured except in very exceptional circumstances or by agreement.

Thank you @SweetChild0mine it is this instance that has felt hurtful, particularly as it’s his circumstances that have changed and had an impact on our time together. I just feel upset that it didn’t occur to him that he’d like to spend that time with me.

And just generally - I do not expect to be asked for ‘permission’ in terms of how he spends his time - I just think it’s basic manners when life is busy and full of juggling time with DCs alone / all together / just the two of us, to give your partner a bit of a head’s up. It feels like I’m way down his list of priorities, and that I’m expected to just fit in where it suits - it’s quite often the arse end of the day that we get to see each other so doesn’t really feel like quality time that’s been purposefully planned.
Perhaps I should just be more selfish too and plan my time accordingly