Do you check before making plans?

[SwingByLater]

Three years into my relationship with BF. We don’t live together and each have DCs.
Lately I’ve been begun to feel taken for granted.
BF seems to fit me in wherever suits - we still make arrangements to see other day to day, and he still wants me to ‘invite’ him to stay over (rather than it becoming a ‘norm’ in any sense). He often forgets about future plans we make / suggest and very often announces things he has on at the weekends, for example, at the last minute.
I don’t mean it in any sense of being controlling, but surely at some point things start to change over to a situation whereby spending time together is the default, and possible plans, etc are checked / discussed first?

Why, though? What would his reasoning be?

It sounds like he’s not taken your needs and interests as part of himself. That’s a really fundamental divide between you. I don’t think you can teach someone to think about you alongside themselves - it’s an emotional development thing (or lack of in his case) for them to learn to do this naturally. Any conversation you have with him about it might result in some changed action for a while but it’s never going to stick unless he learns it for himself.

Do not let anyone play down your feelings. I'm sure people on here like to try and belittle others and make them feel daft.

How you are feeling is valid but it may just be you are on different pages. Have a think over the next few days about what you want, what you expect and what you'll stand for. Then have a chat about where you are in terms of relationship, what his intentions are etc. if it doesn't marry up then you could say it's not for you? If his feelings do match yours you could tell him how you feel. You know how men can be, he may have been thinking you didn't want more contact and like to concentrate on the kids and he maybe keeps himself occupied to take a back seat to that. He did say he feels like he needs invited over so he maybe doesn't like to intrude. Maybe he told you about the hobby in the hopes you'd say "oh we could have ... xyz"

Communication is key to get to the bottom of the situation (I say this like I don't shy away from open conversations lol) xx

@SweetChild0mine thank you so much - your posts have really reassured me x

Yeah I would agree with this. And for me the living together bit is irrelevant (unless you have kids or other responsibilities).

I’ve lived with 2 people and I wouldn’t have expected them to assume that I would always choose them over everything and everybody else in my life if a night freed up.

Obviously if I hadn’t seen them much they’d likely be at the top of the list but I don’t think there should be an expectation if that’s not the case.

And actually, when living together I think you often give less notice because you might make late plans on the basis that a normal, assumed ‘sitting together on the sofa’ night isn’t a real plan or a date - unless you’ve deliberately discussed it and labelled it as such. Plus you feel less pressure because you see so much of each other anyway.

I’ve replied after finishing page 1 so apologies if the conversation has moved on. 😬

"So?"
Well - after three years, one would expect that both people in a relationship would communicate with one another about their free time. It's not much of a relationship otherwise. It is not all that much fun playing second-fiddle to your partner's hobby, and finding out that they prioritise that over you.

I get this. It's difficult when you are a single parent to find spare time together so you hope that when that happens, they'll want to spend it with you. Just saying look this is what I want to do is not needy or controlling, it's what a relationship should be. It's different when you're living with someone and you come back to the same house but otherwise if you don't plan things together there's no point being in a relationship in my opinion.