Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband refusing to have Christmas every other year despite 13 year old dd saying that is what she would like to do.

63 replies

Keeptbreathing · 08/11/2022 09:16

My ex husband and I have been divorced 5 years now, we share 3 children 18ds 16ds and 13dd. Until recently we have had 50/50 care until eldest went to university, 16 year old decided they wanted to go wherever week to week depending on college etc and my 13 year old dd wanted to stop 50/50 and go to her dad's every other weekend.

She is an anxious child who benefits from having someone available to talk through her worries and just feel supported, she didn't feel she got that from her dad. He didn't take this well.

Just trying to give some back story before I get to the point. Anyway up till this year we shared Christmas day and split the day in half. I hated it, kids hated it never being in one place. Last year when we swapped he suggested we switch to every other year as it was too stressful and not fair on everybody. I was happy with this and was supposed to have them this year all day for the first time.

A couple of weeks ago he text to say he had changed his mind, didn't feel it was fair on him. I said I wasn't happy, asked the kids what they wanted to do, older two wasn't too fussed but 13 year clearly said they wanted to stay in one place. She told him that and I thought that was that. Now he has got his partner to talk to her to tell her how sad he is, how much it's upset him. She now feel like she has to go to his to make him happy.

I'm not happy, I don't feel like he has respected her choices. I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't want dd to feel even more torn in two.

Any advice on how to handle this going forward, he isn't a reasonable person and behaves like a child when he doesn't get his own way. He never believes he's in the wrong!

Sorry it's long 😆

OP posts:
Zib · 08/11/2022 09:23

If they all want to stay in one place why don't you show willing by saying they can all you to his place this year? I expect that he doesn't trust you to honour the arrangement next year if they spend this year with you, and he is probably cut up about it.

hugznotdrugz · 08/11/2022 09:30

I mean he already doesn't see his kids much and I'm assuming doesn't pay much for them either?

At 13 the courts won't force her to do anything so just stick to your plan and warn him that if the emotional abuse continues you'll have to look into legal options to protect your child from him

Original poster
Keeptbreathing · 08/11/2022 09:30

Zib · 08/11/2022 09:23

If they all want to stay in one place why don't you show willing by saying they can all you to his place this year? I expect that he doesn't trust you to honour the arrangement next year if they spend this year with you, and he is probably cut up about it.

I see your point but that's not what dd is asking for, she was at his last year for Christmas morning and dinner and came to mine in the afternoon. It's him that hasn't honoured anything and it was his suggestion in the first place 🤣

If I honestly thought that next year he would stick to it then I would be more open to that but I know he wouldn't. Problem is he is mostly concerned with his own feelings and getting one up on me for some bizarre reason. I'm trying my hardest to not make it more difficult for dd whilst not wanting him to think he can behave anyway he wants and everyone will do as he says as to not upset him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keeptbreathing · 08/11/2022 09:34

No he doesn't pay anything but I can't face that argument atm. To be fair to him though we was 50/50 till recently and my 16 year old isnt in one place for long, makes it harder to figure out what is fair.

I just want him to see the emotional impact he's having on her, she already has cut contact down because of the way he treats her. I'm sure he blames me for that though.

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 08/11/2022 09:41

I would be brisk and say “this year is sorted as per the arrangement we made in xxx. Dd needs stability and certainty. I understand you are upset but unfortunately the kind of conversation your DP had with her makes her feel guilty and even more anxious. To give her confidence to spend more time with you you need to back off. I will support her to spend next Xmas with you as agreed”

Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2022 09:43

How would you feel about him having the DC on xmas day every year?? You can do something special with them a different day.

Totally understand if that is not something you would consider but I do know a family who does this and it works.

LeMoo · 08/11/2022 09:46

SuperCamp · 08/11/2022 09:41

I would be brisk and say “this year is sorted as per the arrangement we made in xxx. Dd needs stability and certainty. I understand you are upset but unfortunately the kind of conversation your DP had with her makes her feel guilty and even more anxious. To give her confidence to spend more time with you you need to back off. I will support her to spend next Xmas with you as agreed”

Great answer

Original poster
Keeptbreathing · 08/11/2022 09:49

SuperCamp · 08/11/2022 09:41

I would be brisk and say “this year is sorted as per the arrangement we made in xxx. Dd needs stability and certainty. I understand you are upset but unfortunately the kind of conversation your DP had with her makes her feel guilty and even more anxious. To give her confidence to spend more time with you you need to back off. I will support her to spend next Xmas with you as agreed”

This is what I originally did, he said he wanted to hear it from dd. She told him and thought he had accepted that, looks like he just changed tactic instead and now she feel guilty and upset.

I don't know how to support her, I say nothing, she goes and he gets his own way again at the detriment of everybody else or I stand up to him but then that upsets her more and makes her feel more guilty. She feels like she is the one who has upset everybody and I'm trying to get her to see that isn't true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keeptbreathing · 08/11/2022 09:51

Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2022 09:43

How would you feel about him having the DC on xmas day every year?? You can do something special with them a different day.

Totally understand if that is not something you would consider but I do know a family who does this and it works.

I wouldn't be happy but I could ask her what she wants. I'm trying to teach her that people should respect your decisions.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 08/11/2022 09:55

He's a twat. Tell him to grow the fuck up and prioritise his daughter.

ImAvingOops · 08/11/2022 09:57

Don't let him have the kids every Christmas - they deserve to have Christmas with you too sometimes and not have to constantly appease the man child!
I would tell dd that you are taking this out of her hands and this year she will be with you and next year with her dad. I'd also have a word about his dp and tell her to mind her own business and stop putting pressure on an already anxious child!
Your dd has already expressed her preferences and imo you need to stop asking her and take control of it by telling ex that this is the arrangement and it won't be changing on his say so.

AnotherEmma · 08/11/2022 09:57

Honestly? You need to make a claim via CMS and use the money to pay for therapy for DD. His behaviour towards her is emotionally neglectful at best and abusive at worst.

About Christmas, tell DD and ex that you are sticking to what was decided, she'll be with you this year and him next year, alternating from now on. If he doesn't like it you could offer mediation. He won't take you up on that, of course. But I think you should warn him that if he keeps manipulating DD in this way, she'll be seeing him even less.

PeeJayDay · 08/11/2022 10:01

Make a claim. You don't need energy for it and it's the right thing to do.

Quitelikeit · 08/11/2022 10:09

you should have a conversation with your daughter about the tactic her father has used on her (guilt/emotional blackmail) and how he has succeeded using that tactic

tell your dd that you are pointing this out as you want her to understand it is not ok to use this approach in life and certainly not towards your children.

ask her what set up she prefers? Personally I’d go back to splitting Xmas day

if this man is harmful in other ways - you have touched on this but not elaborated then consider pulling the plug and telling her she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to

as an aside if he is so bad why does he want the kids 50-50 does his current partner have kids? Certainly not a man I’d want around my children!!!

some men just want their kids there as they secretly can’t stand the step kids getting all the time and attention!!

if he has room for three kids also he must have a big house? How does he pay for that?

VollywoodHampires · 08/11/2022 10:10

Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2022 09:43

How would you feel about him having the DC on xmas day every year?? You can do something special with them a different day.

Totally understand if that is not something you would consider but I do know a family who does this and it works.

Why the hell should she?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/11/2022 10:10

AnotherEmma · 08/11/2022 09:57

Honestly? You need to make a claim via CMS and use the money to pay for therapy for DD. His behaviour towards her is emotionally neglectful at best and abusive at worst.

About Christmas, tell DD and ex that you are sticking to what was decided, she'll be with you this year and him next year, alternating from now on. If he doesn't like it you could offer mediation. He won't take you up on that, of course. But I think you should warn him that if he keeps manipulating DD in this way, she'll be seeing him even less.

This. It is utterly abusive and traumatizing to have her father's girlfriend manipulating and guilting her. Completely unacceptable. I would be incandescent.

You need to be assertive about this. God, he sounds useless.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 08/11/2022 10:16

I'm going to guess that it's too late to downplay Christmas so you could do it a different day?

That's what I've done - TBH, in a non-split family growing up we always had two Christmases - one with each side of the family on consecutive days, so it didn't seem much of a problem to me, but to head off any issues following a split, I've been sure to be breezy with the kids about the whole concept of it - that it doesn't matter which day we celebrate, we'll just declare that day Christmas.

You know your ex and your kids best OP - sticking firmly and politely to your guns, or entirely change tack and talk to your daughter about moving 'Christmas'

ClawedButler · 08/11/2022 10:26

I think the advice to tell your daughter that you're taking the decision out of her hands is good - it makes it clear that she is not responsible for any of this.

I'd tell him that if he can't abide by his OWN decision, or his daughter's decision, and cannot think of his children's needs ahead of his own, that's his lookout. You're all done with pandering to his whims.

Sparkletastic · 08/11/2022 10:40

Tell him you are sticking to the original arrangement and it will be his turn next year. No further debate.

crumpet · 08/11/2022 10:45

She’s 13, still a child. You’ve heard her wishes and now need to go into bat to protect her. Agree it shouldn’t ow be out of her hands and for the grown ups to decide - she’s too young still to bear the brunt of the responsibility

crumpet · 08/11/2022 10:46

*it should now be out of her hands

crumpet · 08/11/2022 10:47

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/11/2022 10:10

This. It is utterly abusive and traumatizing to have her father's girlfriend manipulating and guilting her. Completely unacceptable. I would be incandescent.

You need to be assertive about this. God, he sounds useless.

Show quote history

Fully agree

heldinadream · 08/11/2022 10:52

Fight for what she wants this year. Bang on endlessly that NONE of this is her fault, it's his. Get this year over and done with.

Hopefully by next year she'll have found the confidence to tell him to fuck off and she's going to do what she wants.

Toomanysleepycats · 08/11/2022 10:55

If the older two teenagers aren’t fussed, would they go to their dads? Then your youngest can stay with you. I know Christmas is family time when the WHOLE family MUST be together, but you’re not a whole family anymore.

This way, letting the children choose each year, surely must be the best.

Toomanysleepycats · 08/11/2022 10:58

I also agree about moving Christmas Day as posted above, but if the problem is that your Dd doesn’t want to spend that much time with her dad, then let the older ones go instead.