Ex husband refusing to have Christmas every other year despite 13 year old dd saying that is what she would like to do.

[Keeptbreathing]

My ex husband and I have been divorced 5 years now, we share 3 children 18ds 16ds and 13dd. Until recently we have had 50/50 care until eldest went to university, 16 year old decided they wanted to go wherever week to week depending on college etc and my 13 year old dd wanted to stop 50/50 and go to her dad's every other weekend.

She is an anxious child who benefits from having someone available to talk through her worries and just feel supported, she didn't feel she got that from her dad. He didn't take this well.

Just trying to give some back story before I get to the point. Anyway up till this year we shared Christmas day and split the day in half. I hated it, kids hated it never being in one place. Last year when we swapped he suggested we switch to every other year as it was too stressful and not fair on everybody. I was happy with this and was supposed to have them this year all day for the first time.

A couple of weeks ago he text to say he had changed his mind, didn't feel it was fair on him. I said I wasn't happy, asked the kids what they wanted to do, older two wasn't too fussed but 13 year clearly said they wanted to stay in one place. She told him that and I thought that was that. Now he has got his partner to talk to her to tell her how sad he is, how much it's upset him. She now feel like she has to go to his to make him happy.

I'm not happy, I don't feel like he has respected her choices. I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't want dd to feel even more torn in two.

Any advice on how to handle this going forward, he isn't a reasonable person and behaves like a child when he doesn't get his own way. He never believes he's in the wrong!

Sorry it's long 😆

I think in this case it's actually not fair on your daughter to say it's her choice. There is very obvious conflict between her parents. Saying it's her choice is basically putting her into a conflict resolution role, which, at age 13, she is not emotionally able to manage. Putting her in a position where she cannot keep everyone (including herself) happy will be very stressful
You as the resident parent should take control of the situation for her.
To me, a reasonable option would be to stay in one place for christmas day, as previously agreed, and as she has previously expressed to be her preference. Offer the father the option of christmas eve and/or boxing day and/or new year. Then keep the agreement of swapping that over next year (unless he and his partner increase the emotional blackmail over the year, then perhaps reconsider nearer that time).

Yes, agreed. But I would add that he wanted to hear it from your DD - and he did. That should have been it. Instead his partner guilt tripped her. I’d be calling him out on that.

@redwingboots that's a good point, I never thought about her age.

Definitely stand up for her. She's old enough to have her views respected but young enough to need protection from her manipulative grandparents (and father, if he put them up to it).

Why are posters telling you to put your and your DDs wants and needs below this man (like the ones saying just send her, or let him have Xmas day every year)? It was his idea but is messing everyone around by changing his mind and has now tried to guilt and manipulate his own child and posters are happy for him to just get his own way?

Do not put the decision on DD. As other posters say, just reiterate that he wanted every other Xmas, you’ve now made plans around that and will drop them off on Boxing Day. No further conversation.

@CountZacular I thought this too, I want to teach her not to put herself last so a man can be happy!

I had a chat with her yesterday and took the advice of most people and took the decision away from her. Turns out that is what she wanted me to do but the whole "your choice, I want you to be happy" narrative just made her feel anxious and confused. I will be learning from this for the next time!

Hopefully it is sorted now and there won't be any more guilt trips about Christmas 🙂

I would put @SuperCamp and @forrestgreen's responses together except I would insert the words emotionally manipulative before conversation and highlight that as a young anxious girl it's the last thing she needs.

Highlight that everyone was happy with his idea to alternate Christmas.

Aside from Christmas, could he be worried that you are going to make a claim for cms if he doesn't see enough of DD?

I agree that her needs and wishes should not be trumped by his. He made an arrangement that everyone was happy with and caused less anxiety for your DD and he should honour it.

I'm glad you got this sorted op. Your ex and his partner sound very manipulative using your Dd's emotions against her. I could have written your post about a number of situations with my ex. With him it was always oh DD says she wants to stay here longer etc, it's only in the past few months she's admitted that it was never her and that him and his wife used to make her feel guilty about coming home and would be saying things like how much they'd miss her if she didn't stay. It's taken until DD is 16 to realise what her Dad is like.

Emotional abuse????!!!!!!!!!!

Ridiculous

Of course an adult telling a 13 year old to put their Dad's feelings before their own is emotionally manipulative.

Your poor dd. I’m glad it’s sorted and you will advocate for her. As you know, there is a world of difference between 13 and 16 or older. I have a 14 yo and she has changed so much in the past year.

I am also a co parent who has dealt with my DDs dad using HIS feelings as a leverage with DDs choices. It is emotionally manipulative and places a massive burden on a child to consider their parents feelings on both sides. Its not her problem, her only choice to make is what she wants to do.

If I were you I'd just say, sorry its too late to change your mind, we agreed it, DD wants to keep it like that and telling her your feelings on the matter has only upset her. Prioritise her feelings above your own. As agreed she will come to you for the day next year.

Do not give way, for a start this only communicates to your DD that what she wants, or indeed what you want, doesnt count.