Dating in your 50s/post-divorce dating/relationship questions

[blisstwins]

I don't know how to articulate what I am feeling, but am hoping that others will share their experiences starting later in life relationships. I have been divorced for a while, 5+ years and my children are about to finish school (uni next year). My divorce was traumatic--was married 16 years, spouse led double life, left for someone 22 years younger, and did not keep in touch with our children. So I had the children 100% and focus was on them.

I started dating someone last year. It is long distance (ish) and he is more recently divorced. I knew him for a long-time before and most is good. When we are together it is great, actually. But what is the point really? We each have our families and obligations. I cannot imagine anyone I would like more than him. But I don't think we would ever move to be with each other full-time. It just seems that dating at this age is almost pointless. I never casually dated when I was younger, so maybe that is part of my struggle? I don't even know what I am hoping for. Just feeling sad that I have this kind of wonderful person who I adore being with, but it feels so pointless.

It sounds like a nice relationship (“I cannot imagine anyone I would like more than him”). Can you articulate why carrying on - without living together - feels pointless to you?

Because it feels like a grown-up version of friends with benefits, I think. We have such a good time together, but there doesn't seem to be a point to progress at this point in life. I have to work until I am quite old and he is established in his city. If we were younger I am sure we would eventually merge because we would be moving toward something. Now it feels like a friend I adore and am attracted to and like to travel with, but can't imagine anything beyond this. I don't know...I just feel sad/confused about what the possibilities are at this stage in life.

I've also gone back to dating early this year after the end of a long relationship. And yes I do know what you mean about it being different at this age.
For me it's about enjoying each others company. We go out for meals, gigs, cinema and to each others homes for dinner. And it's great to have someone to be with physically. I don't think enjoying someone is pointless at all
Maybe the distance is the issue for you?

This thread may be of interest, OP: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4622650-post-divorce-relationships-how-have-your-partners-shown-long-term-commitment

I agree with a pp that having someone you adore, enjoy spending time and travelling with sounds anything but pointless. I understand that long distance relationships are not for everyone, especially in the long-term, but for some its a perfect balance. Living together apart seems to be the new trend and really works for a lot of people.
However, if you can't see yourself in this long-term have you and OH ever talked about a different kind of future together once kids have flown the nest and you have a little more freedom? Does he talk about being in a long-term, committed relationship or is it his actions that make you think it's more of FWB situation?
Only you can decide if this is a relationship you'd like to sustain and develop but I'd think about it carefully and discuss it with him first.

How would you prefer it to be? What do you want?

I started dating after a long marriage and I knew that if it was going to be long term unless he was very local one of us had to move. Luckily having moved a lot I wasn't concerned about staying where I was, with kids at university it was my time!

I moved 2 years ago and we are very happy, not plain sailing as 2 of the kids decided to move in with us (one a piece) but we get along fine

You've said that you 'can't imagine anything beyond this' - does there have to be anything beyond it?
Sounds like you have a lovely relationship while also both respecting and preserving your independent lives. As long as you are both happy with the arrangement and continuing to get enjoyment from the relationship and the time you spend together (as well as the independence you both maintain too), it sounds like an ideal balance. (Well, it's what I'd like to emerge from my own dating life at any rate).

I think it’s about changing mindset when older. Not everything has to have an 100% positive outcome. 70% is sometimes ok.

This is all very helpful and I remember that thread, uneasy me. Some of it resonated, especially the there for the good but not really having a partner to help with decisions or make me feel less alone when things are hard--real partnership.
He is an absolute gentleman and we have a really nice friendship too. But it does feel like it will be hard to progress past dating and into partnership. Do older people even look for that?
I don't really know how I feel about anything. SO much of this is new to me. I am so independent and have always been fine alone. But things feel like more alone together than together apart if that makes sense. It may be distance. It may be that I am still working out some of my own feelings toward things like marriage. It is tricky.

Has marriage (,or any long-term plans) been discussed during your one year relationship? Has he expressed how he would like things to progress?

I get this because I am also in a new serious relationship post divorce. I do wonder how it will evolve given that we have practical difficulties in terms of living together and I really don't want to lose my independence to have my house and finances the way I like them. However you may find as I have that life gives you challenges which reveal your commitment and support for each other. Earlier this year I had an elderly relative whom I am largely responsible for take ill and my DP was so helpful and supportive, it really showed me the value of these relationships even at this stage of life.

Relationships don't necesssarily need to "progress." Having an attractive, compatible, thoughtful companion for affection, sex, outings, travel etc. is something many people would envy.

Why do you think that is pointless?

And tbh if someone ever thinks being with me is pointless, I hope they tell me so I can move on!

One year is extremely new to be even contemplating any of that.

My advice would be to just enjoy it, live in the moment and stop futurizing.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I asked the question because OP herself is specifically saying it seems there is no future so no point. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if the conversation has been had on any level. I think being a year long relationship in your 50s could be considered fairly serious.
You make your own comments and ask your own questions and I'll do mine - fair enough?

I too think there is value in living in the moment and treasuring what you have - and let the future take care of itself. Enjoy what you have now, which sounds precious - do not let that go just because you do not have a crystal ball.

Yes....it was me who called it pointless. I just mean it is like a friendship with sex more than a partner to share burdens, etc. Others of you have talked about it being an on the side thing, or not part of "real life." That is what I mean. If you are not building a family, your money has been earned, and big life decisions made, can it be more than a friendship with lovely benefits? I really don't know. I don't even know if I would want to get married, but I do feel like I would want it to be on the table if things progressed well. I don't think I want something that is just longterm dating for the rest of my life--so thank you to this thread for helping me get to that.
I think it is still early days, but given the distance it seems hard to progress because of that challenge. He has come to visit me and stayed in a hotel about once every six weeks and next year will be the first we are both kid free. I guess we will see how that goes. It just feels so tricky and scary, really.

What "burdens" exactly do you want to share? Are you looking for financial support?

I don't look at my SO as a source of help or someone to unload on. We are together because we are attracted to one another, like to hang out together enjoying mutual interests (nature, gardening, films, museums) and to see/explore the world, not because we want someone to share chores or expenses or whatever. I'm perplexed at what you think seems to be missing?

I think that when you are dating in your 20s or 30s most of us are ultimately working towards marriage and/or kids, so you do need to see progression to make sure you're on the same page about these important things.

In your 50s it's different. Kids aren't an option and marriage may not be on the cards (as a bad divorce often puts people off getting married again, or they may want to protect their children's inheritance). In a way, that's liberating, I think! There are no "rules" to follow, it's just about pleasing yourself.

If a long distance relationship isn't making you happy and it's not possible for either of you to move, then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you. But don't end it just because of a vague feeling that it "should" be progressing.

No. I am financially independent, thank goodness.
Most of my family is deceased. I have no one to talk to about managing my finances (just investment decisions), or decisions about where to live (stay in my apartment or move to someplace easier). I will need knee surgery at some point and all these things are easier if you have an apartment to share life with--the good and the bad. There are all kinds of worries I have that I handle just fine, but I wish I had someone to trust.
Part of a relationship, as opposed to a friendship, is being invested in each other. Not in a pay for me kind of way, but in a we are in the same canoe way. I am not looking for someone to take care of me, but I want someone who really cares about me (and I them). Dinner, sex, travel--it really is wonderful and that is why I feel foolish wanting to talk about this. I do think it might not be enough, maybe because of the distance it can never be real enough to make it worth the risk of relocation for either of us. Why knows.

Well, all of that is understandable.

But it's difficult to have it all. Take a good hard look at what's out there; most men in their 50s or early 60s, if they are at all viable, solvent, attractive and healthy, want much younger women. (I say that as one in her 50s myself and considering myself lucky that 60-ish SO isn't into 30-somethings.)

I'm not suggesting anyone "settle," but one can hire financial advice and carers... attractive men who are fun to be with are somewhat few and far between.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Why did you automatically think OP meant she wanted financial support? Of course being in a committed relationship gives you the emotional support as well, just someone to kick ideas around with, talk about your day with, make big and little decisions with. You know, normal things normal people in normal relationships do on a daily basis
I think it would be a very sad and bad relationship to be in if you feel you couldn't 'unload' now and then. Maybe you should be looking at your own relationship rather than making shitty comments about others

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune so women in their 50s have to settle and be grateful that someone 'age appropriate' gives them a second glance?
No wonder you don't Rock the boat by 'unloading' on your SO, too scared in case he runs off with the first 30 year old he sees

@blisstwins have you discussed with him where he sees this going?

You sound quite guarded, OP, which is not in any way a criticism; I am the exact same. It is healthy to know what your boundaries and comfort levels are, and it is only natural to contemplate what your future will look like.

you might feel different when your teen children move to uni which is the ‘next’ stage of your life. Mine are younger, and I don’t feel a rushing imperative to move the relationship forward at any great pace. I’m quite content with occasional dates and lunches, but my life doesn’t really have the time, and perhaps I don’t yet have the emotional availability to engage at a deeper level because I know my home commitments are so intense still. In a year or two, this might not be enough for my partner, as his are already uni age, and he’s a few years older so will be thinking of retiring in 5-7 years. But for now, I’ve a companion, and that’s enough.