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Original poster

Dishonest about being ill?

60 replies

Hopefulornot · 06/11/2022 22:11

Just before last Christmas I had a chest infection, then a UTI, then a kidney infection and then that triggered off my psoriatic arthritis, so I was pretty ill for about a month and on 3 different types of antibiotics.

I'd been with my partner just over a year at that point and I noticed he wasn't particularly supportive. There was one particularly upsetting incident on Boxing Day where I had to stop twice while driving the car to wee at petrol stations (it was only an hour's journey). He got pretty frustrated with me and said that he thought it was because I didn't want to go to a boxing day event with his family and I was deliberately putting it off. I told him that unfortunately a UTI that's turned into a kidney infection is pretty serious, it's normal to need to go to the loo and I felt bullied by him. He apologised.

I had quite a few scans and blood tests to check I was OK and eventually the infection went away and the only thing left was the arthritis flare. When I told him that they hadn't discovered anything more serious he made a joke about it all 'being in my head' and then after I asked him what he meant, apologised again.

Some days later I brought it up again and asked him to tell me how he felt about my being ill, if he didn't really understand it or if it didn't make sense to him. He said he did understand, he did want to support me, he'd made a few stupid comments and he loved me and would be there for me.

Last month (so about 10 months later!) he mentioned how I 'wasn't honest about being ill' and that while he believed I had been ill, that I made out that I was too ill to do things when really I just didn't want to do them.

The only things I actually missed that involved him was a NYE party that involved his friends (he went) and a theatre trip that we were going to go to as I had an evening scan (his dad went with him instead). I went to all of his family stuff although I was pretty quiet and didn't go on a walk with them. I did cancel a lot of my own stuff.

I've talked to him about it a couple of times but he just says the same stuff. I've explained to him that it's fundamental to me that we can trust each other and that I do know whether I'm ill or not, I wasn't lying to him and his perspective on this is really significant to me.

He won't change his view at all and is clearly still of the perspective that I was exaggerating things to seem more ill than I was.

What do I do? I'm at a loss as he clearly thinks I was to some extent lying and that I lack integrity? Obviously I feel angry and insulted. If he isn't able to change his perspective on this, is there any way I can find a way through this?

For context, we're both mid thirties, have now been together two years and we were hoping to start a family next year. The rest of the time we have a lot of fun.

I would appreciate any advice so much!

OP posts:
ChocChipPancake · 06/11/2022 22:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 06/11/2022 22:16

I'd be having second thoughts about having a child with this man if I were you.
He doesn't seem to have much empathy, and he's more or less calling you a liar about your health.

Ragwort · 06/11/2022 22:25

It all sounds very odd and not really the sort of relationship I would want ... he doesn't believe you and you are raking it up over and over again?

Grumpusaurus · 06/11/2022 22:40

He sounds like a bit of a cunt.

Original poster
Hopefulornot · 06/11/2022 22:49

Yes, I think he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much when it was some time ago. I think it's that a few weeks ago he suddenly mentioned how I hadn't been honest and I was upset as I thought we'd resolved it with a conversation at the time - I didn't realise he still thought that about me. So since he brought it up a few weeks ago it's definitely been on my mind.

OP posts:
J0CASTA · 06/11/2022 22:51

What @PaleGreenFrontDoor said. He’s not a keeper.

vipersnest1 · 06/11/2022 23:04

Sorry to say it, but I don't think there's a future for your with him, regardless of what you decide to do about your pregnancy.
He's shown you that he's not prepared to be caring when you're unwell and has also gaslit you about the past.
That's not a good basis for a relationship.
Only you can decide on the pregnancy.
Good luck.

ClaryFairchild · 06/11/2022 23:10

Nope, this one is not a keeper. You can't count on him to have your back when things get difficult. You will feel that you always have to prove yourself.

OneFootintheRave · 06/11/2022 23:14

vipersnest1 · 06/11/2022 23:04

Sorry to say it, but I don't think there's a future for your with him, regardless of what you decide to do about your pregnancy.
He's shown you that he's not prepared to be caring when you're unwell and has also gaslit you about the past.
That's not a good basis for a relationship.
Only you can decide on the pregnancy.
Good luck.

I don't think the OP is pregnant?

I agree with @Grumpusaurus though I would have worded it a bit more diplomatically.

Original poster
Hopefulornot · 06/11/2022 23:54

Thanks everyone.

I just don't understand what he's thinking.

I feel like he must despise me, to think that I'm exaggerating or making it up? He must think I have no integrity at all.

I'm trying to imagine how little respect and care I would have for someone to think it was ok to say to their face that I thought that they were exaggerating about being ill.

I don't understand why he isn't worried that I will end the relationship after he's said that to me?

The whole thing completely confuses me. Why is he in a relationship with me if he thinks that of me?

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 07/11/2022 00:21

The more important question is - why are you in a relationship with someone who believes you are dishonest?

pumpkinelvis · 07/11/2022 00:30

He sounds childish and uncaring. I couldn't be with him as it would turn my liver purple. What are his good points?

JuliaGooliaaa · 07/11/2022 00:31

Oh OP this is a really hard one. Although, I know a lot of couples where the man really struggles/is not supportive when the woman is unwell. It’s something I’ve had problems with in my own relationship, being made to feel like I’m malingering if I’m unwell past a day or two. In my case my DH comes from a family where they were expected to just get on with things no matter how rubbish they felt. Could this be more to do with your DP’s underlying attitude towards illness rather than him thinking you’re untrustworthy generally? I think it’s so important he realises how much his lack of trust in you has hurt you. Maybe relationship counselling would help?

Quiegal · 07/11/2022 06:49

Hopefulornot · 06/11/2022 22:11

Just before last Christmas I had a chest infection, then a UTI, then a kidney infection and then that triggered off my psoriatic arthritis, so I was pretty ill for about a month and on 3 different types of antibiotics.

I'd been with my partner just over a year at that point and I noticed he wasn't particularly supportive. There was one particularly upsetting incident on Boxing Day where I had to stop twice while driving the car to wee at petrol stations (it was only an hour's journey). He got pretty frustrated with me and said that he thought it was because I didn't want to go to a boxing day event with his family and I was deliberately putting it off. I told him that unfortunately a UTI that's turned into a kidney infection is pretty serious, it's normal to need to go to the loo and I felt bullied by him. He apologised.

I had quite a few scans and blood tests to check I was OK and eventually the infection went away and the only thing left was the arthritis flare. When I told him that they hadn't discovered anything more serious he made a joke about it all 'being in my head' and then after I asked him what he meant, apologised again.

Some days later I brought it up again and asked him to tell me how he felt about my being ill, if he didn't really understand it or if it didn't make sense to him. He said he did understand, he did want to support me, he'd made a few stupid comments and he loved me and would be there for me.

Last month (so about 10 months later!) he mentioned how I 'wasn't honest about being ill' and that while he believed I had been ill, that I made out that I was too ill to do things when really I just didn't want to do them.

The only things I actually missed that involved him was a NYE party that involved his friends (he went) and a theatre trip that we were going to go to as I had an evening scan (his dad went with him instead). I went to all of his family stuff although I was pretty quiet and didn't go on a walk with them. I did cancel a lot of my own stuff.

I've talked to him about it a couple of times but he just says the same stuff. I've explained to him that it's fundamental to me that we can trust each other and that I do know whether I'm ill or not, I wasn't lying to him and his perspective on this is really significant to me.

He won't change his view at all and is clearly still of the perspective that I was exaggerating things to seem more ill than I was.

What do I do? I'm at a loss as he clearly thinks I was to some extent lying and that I lack integrity? Obviously I feel angry and insulted. If he isn't able to change his perspective on this, is there any way I can find a way through this?

For context, we're both mid thirties, have now been together two years and we were hoping to start a family next year. The rest of the time we have a lot of fun.

I would appreciate any advice so much!

Some men don't like women being ill all the time. They do not understand how some illnesses are.

If he can't handle you being ill and missing out on events I would think if it's worth continuing a relationship with him.

People do get ill and sorry in no way should you go to his family events if unwell. If your not healthy enough for him tell him this is me even like it or think we over.

Fraaahnces · 07/11/2022 07:03

I am wondering what he has to gain by saying that to you at that point of time too. What was the context? Why does he keep bringing it up? It’s really quite weird, tbh. Was it a competitive make sickness thing? (Ie.. “I’m so much sicker than you ever were when you had a so-called kidney infection…” Manflu/dressing gown of doom thing?) Is he gaslighting you so that he gets his way with something else because you feel insecure?

Original poster
Hopefulornot · 07/11/2022 10:52

Thanks for all of your replies.

I guess I am just trying to understand what I can possibly do. The idea of growing older with someone who will just be scornful if I'm unwell and pressure me to do things regardless is scary. That's totally separate from all of the problems that having kids might entail, health-wise.

It is also just very sad, as I am now 36 and we had talked about having a family, but this is making me feel that maybe it might be too risky to trust him to look after me if something goes wrong.

I don't know if it's going to be possible for him to change his mind set at all? It's just really sad.

Most of the rest of the time we have a good time. He is funny, very up for doing things, a nice person to spend time with.

For context he is a trader at an investment bank.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 07/11/2022 10:56

Imagine what he'll be like when you have unpleasant pregnancy symptoms or in pain after birth, develop mastitis, spd etc. I wouldn't be having a child with this man!

BryceQuinlan · 07/11/2022 10:56

I think you should think very carefully about his treatment when you are ill, it seems ominous to me and indicative of how he will behave when you are pregnant, i.e. your most vulnerable state. To me it sounds as if he doesn't like you very much and I 2ouod ask you to be cautious. I was incredibly ill when pregnant, from the very beginning, and this kind of behaviour/disbelief from my partner would've been horrific to cope with.

honeylulu · 07/11/2022 11:06

I really wouldn't continue the relationship. He's clearly a "fairweather" partner. Things are great and fun when you're in fine fettle but illness or incapacity of any kind is nothing but an irritation and inconvenience to him. His preoccupation with the notion that you made it up or imagined it seems to be a narrative that makes you the unreasonable one else in his head he stays the good guy.

Having children with this man will be hell on earth. He won't experience morning sickness, pelvic pain, labour, third degree tears, mastitis, post natal depression ... so it will be all in your head and you're not being "honest" about it. Have a good think about that.

As for why he keeps bringing it up months later - he is warning/training you to not to dare be ill again. Quite chilling really.

TeaStory · 07/11/2022 11:15

It's easy for someone to be a good partner when things are fine and easy, but you've found the real test. I couldn't be with someone who believed I was dishonest and clung to that belief like that, and I especially wouldn't make myself any more vulnerable to that treatment by getting pregnant.

billy1966 · 07/11/2022 12:56

Bloody hell OP!

What a nasty prick.

And you think having children with someone like this is a good idea?🙄

He showed you a year ago EXACTLY who he is and you have unwisely decided to ignore it.

This is exactly what he would be like with a young baby, a selfish prick who would dismiss your tiredness and and recovery from birth.

Dump him and be glad you discovered how little he cares for you.

He certainly isn't in love with you.

Oh and he clearly thinks you are a liar.

Up your stands OP, because they are dangerously low having stayed with such a twat.

FuckFuckGo · 07/11/2022 13:05

What do I do?

You gather up your self-respect and leave him. What an arse. Why would you want to start a family with him? Imagine how he’ll be when you’re feeling unwell from the pregnancy, or if your child becomes ill. Do you really want them feeling the same way you do now?

billy1966 · 07/11/2022 13:07

Hopefulornot · 07/11/2022 10:52

Thanks for all of your replies.

I guess I am just trying to understand what I can possibly do. The idea of growing older with someone who will just be scornful if I'm unwell and pressure me to do things regardless is scary. That's totally separate from all of the problems that having kids might entail, health-wise.

It is also just very sad, as I am now 36 and we had talked about having a family, but this is making me feel that maybe it might be too risky to trust him to look after me if something goes wrong.

I don't know if it's going to be possible for him to change his mind set at all? It's just really sad.

Most of the rest of the time we have a good time. He is funny, very up for doing things, a nice person to spend time with.

For context he is a trader at an investment bank.

He has shown you who he is.

Selfish and unkind.

I wouldn't have a gold fish with him.

He is not a man who will be there for you in any shape or form should you have any complications with a pregnancy.

You really see who someone is when you are ill or say No to them.

He cannot be changed or fixed, this is who he is.

For 10 months he has been thinking badly of you and that you are a liar.

After how unwell you were?

10 months of thinking you are a liar.

Dump him if you have an ounce of self worth, respect, or cop on.

lonelysad · 07/11/2022 13:28

Something similar happened to me with my H after our first child. Stayed with his family. I had a horrible UTI that had gone to my kidneys. He told his family all about it and they all laughed at me as if it was silly and I was making a fuss. Mind you, he had treated me that way when I had SPD during pregnancy. He had treated me that way after he went back after a week when our first had been born even though i asked him not to. He treated me that way during my second pregnancy with similar symptoms and terrible sickness. And he also went back to work early after our second was born, despite me asking him not to (he didn't have to either time, all his choice). He treated me with a similar lack of belief/sympathy when I miscarried. The same level of care was shown when I had a pregnancy he didnt want and talked me into a termination (didnt take time off work to help me with the kids then either, even though I asked). And I received a similar level of care from him when that termination went wrong and I ended up in A&E. No time off to support me and the kids. Just no empathy or sympathy.

I've been a fool thinking it will ever change, although I don't believe it will anymore. We've talked about it, he said all the usual crappy things. " I didn't realise.", "But you're so strong, you can cope.", "I'll be better next time". But 2 kids in, it seems pointless to leave. We get on and have a laugh too. I just know he'll not be there for me.

Your choice if you stay, just don't think you'll be able to count on him.

FuckFuckGo · 07/11/2022 13:42

@lonelysad

Good grief. He’d better hope he never becomes unwell and needs help with anything.