Dishonest about being ill?

[Hopefulornot]

Just before last Christmas I had a chest infection, then a UTI, then a kidney infection and then that triggered off my psoriatic arthritis, so I was pretty ill for about a month and on 3 different types of antibiotics.

I'd been with my partner just over a year at that point and I noticed he wasn't particularly supportive. There was one particularly upsetting incident on Boxing Day where I had to stop twice while driving the car to wee at petrol stations (it was only an hour's journey). He got pretty frustrated with me and said that he thought it was because I didn't want to go to a boxing day event with his family and I was deliberately putting it off. I told him that unfortunately a UTI that's turned into a kidney infection is pretty serious, it's normal to need to go to the loo and I felt bullied by him. He apologised.

I had quite a few scans and blood tests to check I was OK and eventually the infection went away and the only thing left was the arthritis flare. When I told him that they hadn't discovered anything more serious he made a joke about it all 'being in my head' and then after I asked him what he meant, apologised again.

Some days later I brought it up again and asked him to tell me how he felt about my being ill, if he didn't really understand it or if it didn't make sense to him. He said he did understand, he did want to support me, he'd made a few stupid comments and he loved me and would be there for me.

Last month (so about 10 months later!) he mentioned how I 'wasn't honest about being ill' and that while he believed I had been ill, that I made out that I was too ill to do things when really I just didn't want to do them.

The only things I actually missed that involved him was a NYE party that involved his friends (he went) and a theatre trip that we were going to go to as I had an evening scan (his dad went with him instead). I went to all of his family stuff although I was pretty quiet and didn't go on a walk with them. I did cancel a lot of my own stuff.

I've talked to him about it a couple of times but he just says the same stuff. I've explained to him that it's fundamental to me that we can trust each other and that I do know whether I'm ill or not, I wasn't lying to him and his perspective on this is really significant to me.

He won't change his view at all and is clearly still of the perspective that I was exaggerating things to seem more ill than I was.

What do I do? I'm at a loss as he clearly thinks I was to some extent lying and that I lack integrity? Obviously I feel angry and insulted. If he isn't able to change his perspective on this, is there any way I can find a way through this?

For context, we're both mid thirties, have now been together two years and we were hoping to start a family next year. The rest of the time we have a lot of fun.

I would appreciate any advice so much!

He won't change. It will slowly eat away at you, wondering why he's being so unkind the next time you get ill... because you will get ill again. You will need his support and he won't give it. The resentment will kill any relationship you have.

My DH doesn't say he disbelieves me but he is making my life so hard right now, and I hardly have any strength left. Its insidious how it creeps up on you so please get out now while you can.

You are only 36 years young and have every possibility of having children with someone lovely who actually cares about you and any children you have, because he won't be any better with his children.

I'm on the other side, did not see the behaviour until we had children and it is honestly a nightmare and very heartbreaking when you have given your children this kind of person for a father. I would love to be 36 with the opportunity to find a decent man to start a family with!
Children are precious, you can find a much better father for your future children and you will look back and know you dodged a bullet.

This ‘man’ is deliberately trying to sabotage your peace of mind. Why? Because he sees leverage… that is fucked up.

In the 20 lovely and imperfect years DH and I have been together there have been illness on both sides, brief mental health issues, one of our parents has become ill, there were some pregnancy problems, our children have some additional needs. I couldn’t have foreseen any of it! We’ve not always been synced up to deal with everything, but we were always both nurturing the relationship and each other.

We are older now and have both developed a few health problems. It’s part of life. I wouldn’t allow him to look after me or a vulnerable baby / child. Thank god you can get out now!

He isn’t good enough for you. You might notice other shitty behaviours now if you open your eyes.

Grieve for what you thought you had - and move on. You deserve someone whose integrity matches your own.

Honey, all I'm going to say is that after I left my emotionally abusive and low-empathy partner (who could also be very kind and nice when it suited him, or at least act kind and nice - still not sure if much/any of it was genuine), my head cleared, my body relaxed and my autoimmune arthritis diminished to almost nothing.

Oddly, I know someone like your partner, and even more oddly, I have some serious bladder and kidney issues, myself.
She was a very good friend. I spent six long years listening to her bitch and moan and complain about her MIL that she insisted move into her home — and I spent six long years being supportive.
I read a funny, cute MIL joke by a British journalist (I’m American), so I sent it to her. It was obviously a joke — but she decided to be offended. And in turn, made some very nasty remarks about my illness and how NOBODY could have THAT MANY UTIs & kidney infections & that I MUST BE LYING FOR ATTENTION. Nobody knew but her, by the way.
It came so far out of left field, and was so nasty and hurtful, that I was speechless.
I’ll never understand people who expect you to believe every little thing they say and to give them undying sympathy and support, but will abandon you at the whisper of a whisper.
It makes no sense because it makes no sense.
I decided she was never much of a friend in the first place. @Hopefulornot you’ll have to weigh and measure the “what’s worth it and what isn’t” for yourself. I’m not sure anybody can help you do that. It’s a hard and heavy thing to do when you love someone. ❤️

Huge sympathies OP, as this must be so hurtful. To use the old trope, he is telling you who he is, and now you must listen. Do NOT have children with this man, so much sadness for you and the children would be in your future. I have seen similar play out with a friend who married a man like this and it has broken her.

So many wise posts on this thread
@WhereYouLeftIt @NeverDropYourMooncup
@SandyY2K among others.

I have been very ill a few times, feeling sad, miserable, in pain, and SO sorry for myself.
If I had also had a heartless prick of a husband treating me poorly, I just can't imagine how upsetting it would be.

I certainly wouldn't ever feel safe again.

OP, this is not a man to depend on.

As @WhereYouLeftIt wrote so well, you are just a thing to him.

He certainly doesn't love you in any real sense of the word, and therefore would discard you in a heartbeat if you didn't live up to his expectations.

He thinks you are desperate for him, thats why he can tell you clearly that he has thought you to be a liar for 10 months.

You think you are sad, miserable and hurt NOW?

You throw a couple of children into the relationship and you will know REAL misery.

Get out while you can.

OP, he brought the whole subject up, months later, because it was still annoying him !

The point he's making by telling you that he knows you 'lied' and 'over exaggerated' your supposed 'illness(es) is that you'd better not try that shit again ! Like ever ! Because he's not going to tolerate the disruption to his plans ! For any reason !

This 'man' only sees you as a bloody home 'appliance' !

You exist solely to help him, and to 'service' him and his 'needs' !
i.e A maid/ housekeeper/ parent. But your 'needs' simply don't exist for him !

The sad truth is that he won't cope with being a Father either, because in his mind, being a Father will only include him doing specific 'fun' things with any offspring like teaching them to ride a bike and going to the movies etc.
He will not be participating in providing any of the basic care 'needs' for any children ! That's YOUR job !

And God help you if any child you produce is not what he 'planned ! e.g It's the wrong sex / disabled/ challenging/ premature/ born at an 'inconvenient' time etc etc because then he'll simply brush you and your DC off ! (And probably set about finding himself another, non-faulty, 'care provider' i.e another woman ! (Because he'll never want to be without someone to do the 'donkey work' in his life !)

It's a hard decision to make when you thought you'd found 'the one', and your biological clock is ticking. Just be very aware of what will become your future if you decide to stay with a man like this...

If you decide to continue you with this relationship then you know already that he's not going to support you when you're unwell and that he thinks you're a malingerer. If you have a difficult pregnancy/birth/recovery for whatever reason he's not going to help. I'd think very seriously about what you do next.

You are 36. if you leave him now, you have time to find someone lovely and have your family with a man who would support you with kindness and love in any difficult situation.
But if you leave it another year or two, then that family dream would become a lot more tricky.