Dishonest about being ill?

[Hopefulornot]

Just before last Christmas I had a chest infection, then a UTI, then a kidney infection and then that triggered off my psoriatic arthritis, so I was pretty ill for about a month and on 3 different types of antibiotics.

I'd been with my partner just over a year at that point and I noticed he wasn't particularly supportive. There was one particularly upsetting incident on Boxing Day where I had to stop twice while driving the car to wee at petrol stations (it was only an hour's journey). He got pretty frustrated with me and said that he thought it was because I didn't want to go to a boxing day event with his family and I was deliberately putting it off. I told him that unfortunately a UTI that's turned into a kidney infection is pretty serious, it's normal to need to go to the loo and I felt bullied by him. He apologised.

I had quite a few scans and blood tests to check I was OK and eventually the infection went away and the only thing left was the arthritis flare. When I told him that they hadn't discovered anything more serious he made a joke about it all 'being in my head' and then after I asked him what he meant, apologised again.

Some days later I brought it up again and asked him to tell me how he felt about my being ill, if he didn't really understand it or if it didn't make sense to him. He said he did understand, he did want to support me, he'd made a few stupid comments and he loved me and would be there for me.

Last month (so about 10 months later!) he mentioned how I 'wasn't honest about being ill' and that while he believed I had been ill, that I made out that I was too ill to do things when really I just didn't want to do them.

The only things I actually missed that involved him was a NYE party that involved his friends (he went) and a theatre trip that we were going to go to as I had an evening scan (his dad went with him instead). I went to all of his family stuff although I was pretty quiet and didn't go on a walk with them. I did cancel a lot of my own stuff.

I've talked to him about it a couple of times but he just says the same stuff. I've explained to him that it's fundamental to me that we can trust each other and that I do know whether I'm ill or not, I wasn't lying to him and his perspective on this is really significant to me.

He won't change his view at all and is clearly still of the perspective that I was exaggerating things to seem more ill than I was.

What do I do? I'm at a loss as he clearly thinks I was to some extent lying and that I lack integrity? Obviously I feel angry and insulted. If he isn't able to change his perspective on this, is there any way I can find a way through this?

For context, we're both mid thirties, have now been together two years and we were hoping to start a family next year. The rest of the time we have a lot of fun.

I would appreciate any advice so much!

@FuckFuckGo, unfortunately, I'm a moron and I look after him when he's ill. I need to brush that social conditioning outta my hair....

I don't think you should waste any more time trying to work out "what he's thinking" - I think you should instead spend that time removing him from your life.
Why try to change his mind?
He is NOT a nice person, you are worth far far more than this.

I couldn't have a future with a man like this. He not only does not believe you when you say you are ill, so basically calling you a liar, but he clearly keeps that information on hand to use it against you all this time later.

Imagine if you did have kids with him, how he'd treat you if you were ill during pregnancy or how he would treat your kids when they were ill when he wanted them to attend an event?

I had a run of UTI /Kidney recurrences and got the various scans as well. DH at the time was barely even an official boyfriend, but would run around after me to help me. He even helped dress me when I was far too sore to move, and brought home little treats because he knew I was in pain.

I'm guessing that your DP mopes around the house like a dying fucking swan in the Dressing Gown of Doom when he gets so much as a sniffle.

He's telling you EXACTLY how he will treat you during pregnancy and post partum. Or if it's irrefutably the case that you are under the weather, he'll start developing various ailments that are 'worse' than yours.

I had a dream of a pregnancy, no joke it was ridiculously pleasant. I went a day over my due date, had an emergency C section that was frankly the best neatest sewing I've ever seen and had an ideal recovery. But I still needed my partner to love me and acknowledge what my body and mind was going through during it all.

I suspect your Prince Amongst Men just doesn't see you as his equal. You're not fully human to him. You look human, but you're more of a support human than a full human - somewhere between a domestic appliance and an exotic pet. You have no inner life and exist only to service the needs, wants and desires of a full human such as himself. Whilst he expects your unquestioning loyalty and affection (as one would from a pet dog, say), he has no interest in taking care of you; support humans that malfunction (and cannot fulfil their role as, say theatre companion) will be expected to self-repair with no input from a full human like himself.

Your attempts to impress upon this full human your emotional needs (care, trust etc.) will be met with , as you have found out, a lack of understanding on his part. It's supposed to be a one-way street; from you, to him. That's why it appears to you that "he clearly thinks I was to some extent lying and that I lack integrity" and that "he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much when it was some time ago". You have no inner life.

"Obviously I feel angry and insulted. If he isn't able to change his perspective on this, is there any way I can find a way through this?"
By 'find a way through', do you really mean 'find a way to tolerate this and stay in the relationship'? I wouldn't, if I were you. He won't change. What is the point of being in such a relationship?

"... a few weeks ago he suddenly mentioned how I hadn't been honest and I was upset as I thought we'd resolved it with a conversation at the time - I didn't realise he still thought that about me. So since he brought it up a few weeks ago it's definitely been on my mind."
Well it must have been on his mind too, since he brought it up. You are supposed to operate seamlessly, smoothing his path and his brow, with no interruption of service.

"I just don't understand what he's thinking."
That you're just a support human who shouldn't be bothering him, the full human, with your petty and inconsequential problems. Your raison d'être is to support and facilitate his life, not to have one of your own!

"I feel like he must despise me, to think that I'm exaggerating or making it up? He must think I have no integrity at all."
I doubt it goes that deep. Irritated that your malfunctions affect his life at all, I'd think. (He's rather shallow.)

"I'm trying to imagine how little respect and care I would have for someone to think it was ok to say to their face that I thought that they were exaggerating about being ill."
Try to imagine that you're a Victorian factory owner feeling very put upon by your workforce not meeting their targets and finding this whole cholera epidemic most intrusive indeed! You'll be half-way there.

I don't understand why he isn't worried that I will end the relationship after he's said that to me?
Back to that raison d'être, I'm afraid. In fact, it's the most telling indicator of all. You exist to smooth his life and for nothing else. It is inconceivable to him that you have any say in which full human you serve. He has chosen you to be his support human and that is all there is to it.

The whole thing completely confuses me. Why is he in a relationship with me if he thinks that of me?
I suspect he'd think it of any support human. Your ill health (and your considering it to be of any importance to him) is only a minor ruffle in the otherwise smooth support you have provided to date. He is willing to overlook it (for now).

"I guess I am just trying to understand what I can possibly do."
End the relationship and find someone better. Do not have children with this man, and definitely do not grow old with him. His 'perspective' will continue unabated, indeed it will harden as he, in his old age, requires more support. He will still expect to offer no support to you. It will be a lonely and dispiriting old age for you. Assuming he doesn't get impatient with any repeat malfunctions and decides to replace you, of course.

Sorry to be so pessimistic @Hopefulornot, but - this is who he is.

Even if you have a really healthy pregnancy and birth, its still an enormous imposition on your body and there will be times you feel utterly, utterly rough. And quite frankly, if having to do pit stops on a car journey when you had a UTI is too much for him, he'll be no help and a horribly critical burden for you, that is if he doesn't bugger off, once the pressure of having a child is added.

Throw this one back

He sounds horrible. I’ve been in a similar position but with extended family members who accused me of exaggerating or it being in my head. I no longer have anything to do with them as it battered my mental health in the process. I found myself even almost gaslighting myself in the end and dangerously trying to ignore symptoms, and I felt very isolated. This man will bring you only misery in the long run if that’s how he thinks. If you can end the relationship then you should.

Instead of questioning why is he with you, you should be asking why are you with him.

Do not have kids with this man!!! Apparently, he doesn’t like being inconvenienced by your ill health. He’s made it very clear he and what he wants to do, is his priority. You have been warned.

Stop trying to understand the mind of a selfish entitled man.

How in gods name do you have sex with this selfish pig?

Genuine question, because I'm baffled how you had sex with him after his treatment of you after your first child.

@billy1966 shock, really. I think I gaslit myself.

Sources of help here

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Sad for you that you have not been given the love and support you needed, and deserve - and that would be expected in an intimate relationship.

How curious (and painful) a response from your partner.

Is it a pattern? (no need to respond, just to consider).

Below is very kindly sent to you :)...

Was reminded of an article:

It talks about:

"Two partners being equally oriented toward the goal of empathic response."

From what you describe, his (lack of) empathic response is starkly different from yours: a mismatch.

On the potential impact of a mismatch and an ongoing lack of empathy from a partner / spouse:

"Warm, loving, intimate relationships are a necessity for her neurology,
the presence of chronic impassivity from her spouse is a primary factor in the development of Cassandra Syndrome (also called Emotional Deprivation Disorder, Affective Deprivation Disorder or, most recently – Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome)."

This is what you said in your post:

I felt bullied by him. He apologised.
He made a joke about it all 'being in my head' and then after I asked him what he meant, apologised again.
He said he did understand, he did want to support me, he'd made a few stupid comments and he loved me and would be there for me.
Last month (so about 10 months later!) he mentioned how I 'wasn't honest about being ill.
I've talked to him about it a couple of times but he just says the same stuff.
He won't change his view at all and is clearly still of the perspective that I was exaggerating things to seem more ill than I was.

What level of empathy do you need? Will you get it in this relationship or in a different one? How long are you prepared to keep trying and not getting?

(just questions for you to consider and no need to respond).

The article is specifically about asd, but the principles of mismatched empathic response and emotional reciprocity may still apply in any case to your relationship?

The article is here
asdmarriage.com

I wish you all the best which is exactly what you deserve :)

Thanks so much for your kind reply.

I haven't figured out how to reply to individual posts, that thank you post was meant for one individual post! But thank you all for your replies.

I think almost all of the things you said ring true. I think what makes me sad is that he can be so lovely and affectionate and sometimes I feel very close to him, so it's very upsetting when I realise that he doesn't appear to actually genuinely care about me and wouldn't support me when things are tough.

It's so hard to walk away when there are so many aspects of the relationship that are good. I think for me it's especially tough as I don't have much family support and leaving a relationship that I had a lot of hope for, when I'm in my mid thirties now, feels scary.

It feels like realistically my options are to stay and accept that he won't be a supportive partner but I may get to have kids (he really wants a family), or leave and accept that I will probably not have kids at my age.

But the idea of having kids with him also seems pretty bleak :( I am also a bit worried about whether he would respond in a supportive way if they weren't who he wanted them to be.

Honestly, you need to dump him right now.

He doesn't care. He will vacillate between it;

all being in your head to
you causing it through the power of your mind to
you lying about it to trap him to
you knowing you had it and lying about it to trap him into being your carer and pension plan 'because you're an old woman'.

And then he'll go off and shag somebody else who fits his idea of how the world (other men) should see him.

I had an ex almost identical in the way he reacted. He's a nasty cunt like yours is, too.

Been with DP for a decade now. He's seen me with the worst flare I've ever had, he's learned to give me biologic injections when my hands were too painful and weak to do them, and he's seen me better than I've been for my entire life since I started a second biologic. At no time has he ever resented, disbelieved or complained about something I have fuck all control over - he wants me, not an image. Obviously, he prefers it when I'm well - who wouldn't? - but that's because it means I'm not in pain.

There are better men in the world than the spoiled little shite who thinks he's doing you a favour by being around and that you owe him an image.

Thanks. This oddly made me feel better. I liked the victorian factory owner idea :) Also, the idea that it isn't personal helps a lot. :)

I'm glad you have a lovely partner who supports you and that the biologic is working well. I wish I could have that kind of relationship :)

Thank you. This is very gentle and kind :)

He is callous and lacks empathy and can't be bothered to even pretend to be caring. He would rather gaslight you by repeating that you lie/over exaggerate illness. Do NOT procreate with this man. He will be cruel and negligent to exhausted you and your tiny baby's needs.

I think you deserve better than this, this is not a partner you should keep around.

Get rid of him.

There's something unpleasantly manipulative about him, I can imagine him turning into an A grade gaslighter.

At least you found out now.

You're not going to meet one when you're stuck hanging on for scraps from somebody who in all likelihood will change his mind about having children with you, whether due to your diagnosis, not believing your diagnosis, the medication or any other excuse...all made out to be your fault when it's more it didn't match his five year plan/image of what he thinks he should portray to the outside world, because his entitlement and ego comes above you as a good person.

He's got a picture in his head of two compliant and perfect children, a big house, flash car and an unspecified partner who is mainly perfect body and housekeeper whilst also being wealthy and working fulltime. Unfortunately, that picture doesn't include frequent toilet stops, medication, skin plaques, swollen joints or adapting to the needs of your condition.

He is interpreting your immune system malfunction as a deliberate attack upon him. It's the modern day glorified sales rep version of 'my chickens went off laying, the cabbages were covered in caterpillars and I've got an ache in my left knee. There's a witch somewhere in this township - find her and burn her!'

I don't understand why he isn't worried that I will end the relationship after he's said that to me?

Because he knows you won't.
He sees himself as a good catch and your biological clock is ticking... so in his mind, you'll accept it from him....because you don't have a great many options.

You're not going to leave him...like other women who see the signs like this.

I’ve experienced this with a previous partner. If we both got flu - or say covid - and mine was much worse than his he wouldn’t be sympathetic as he literally couldn’t understand why I would be worse off than him. Same with period pains, ovulation any thing.

can you imagine being pregnant to him and having a difficult pregnancy, or birth or recovery. I wouldn’t be expecting sympathy.

what if any future children became ill. Or had any developmental delays or autism etc?

if he struggles so much with a simple concept of you being ill… I dread anything else in life that doesn’t ascribe to his preordained plan.

If you stay you’ll be staying to have a kid. But that kid will grow into an arid family where there is no love at the centre. And you’ll be miserable. And your ‘partner’ will not have any empathy for your child, either.

Every time you get so much as a cold you’ll remember: he doesn’t believe me. He won’t support me. I can’t trust him. He doesn’t respect me.

It’s not impossible to meet someone else and have a child OP! I hear you that it’s very scary, leaving a relationship in your mid thirties, for this reason, but - it is still possible. Don’t stay with this horrible man and make yourself sad.