I need to talk to someone

[Mrsunhappy]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage.I can’t afford to leave and live on my own.
I made a mistake in my marriage 34 years ago which has been held against me ever since. My partner for the whole of our marriage has had so many affairs and even recently was caught texting an old girlfriend.. my dilemma is one of the things that is always held against me would have a serious impact on one of our children (his child)if I actually did what he expects me to do.
my children know our relationship is toxic but don’t know about the rest. Do I confide in them and come clean about my mistake and tell them what has made me so unhappy snd tell them about their dad or keep quiet and protect him . It’s literally killing me the toxicity and not being able to talk to my closest kin about it.

What do you think will hspoen.jf you confuse in your children? If you have been married 34 years,have you got a property? If so surely a tiny place where u are free from hassle would be preferable. Best wishes

One of you children was not fathered by your husband. Is that what you're trying to say? And you're not sure whether you should tell them or not, even though that child is now in their mid-30s.

Confess not confuse. Do ur kids know about hubbie's affairs?

All the children are my husbands.

No they don’t know about his infidelities.

Tough to advise without knowing what you did, can’t tell if you are overthinking the impact it would have on the child you are worried about (and curious why it would only affect one?)

Generally, I would say - and assuming your children are all adults? - then trust them with the truth.
Whatever you did wrong it was a long time ago, whereas your husband has been consistently and more recently in the wrong and treating you badly. I suspect they will be supportive to you.

Your post is a little too cryptic to be able to advise much. Is there any way you can separate from him, or are you saying he’s emotionally blackmailing you regarding X (secret) to stay, by threatening to tell the DC it would affect? It sounds horrendously toxic, I’m sorry.

What on earth have you have done to warrant staying with this horrible man so long.
I'll bet it's not as bad as you think.
I'd definitely get a divorce.

Don’t protect him - do tell them about his affairs.

It's difficult to know what to advise when it's unclear what could impact one of your children? Presumably they're adults now if you've been married 34 years? So maybe it's time to treat them like adults.

You shouldn't live an entire lifetime keeping secrets and putting up with toxicity. Whatever you did surely it can't be deserving of a lifetime's punishment and blackmail.

It’s so difficult to live separately together…when we have nights like tonight it all gets too much. I don’t want to drag my children into it all but it’s so hard when it’s what I do for our children that’s held against me when it was a decision we both made…and the petty side of me wants them to know how 2 faced he is.😞

OP I'm so sorry that you are and have been living in such a toxic relationship for such a long time.
I fear that posting something like this on MN will only lead to you being harassed to reveal full details so you can receive 'proper' advice and/or being accused of drip feeding if it comes out bit by bit.
However, I think you do need to confide in someone and maybe counselling is the answer here. This can help you talk it all through and understand the ramifications of talking to your children or not. It will also help you realise that you do actually have choices and definitely do not have to stay in the relationship.
Good luck with it all

When you say can't afford to leave... why not. Surely even living off benefits, working if you can, renting something with help from council or moving in with family would be far better than living the rest of your life like this?

Can you tell us your financial position.

Thank you . I do not mean to be criptic but worry about someone recognising me.

You post is too cryptic op, can you not just say it would be a lot more easier for people to advise and try to help

How old are the children OP?

Do you think they are old enough to understand why you did what you did?

Do you think if they were to find out in 20 years, they'd be more cross about your mistake or the fact you stayed with a man who is so cruel to you?

My children are all grown up. I would tell them tomorrow if what I did as I feel I made a mistake that I’ve never repeated and it was before they were born. I worry about spoiling their relationship as they love their dad and they don’t know that what I do for them is held against me and brought up every day.like I said he would never say it to them.

So the mistake was within your marriage.

Mistakes within marriage could be anything, you robbed a bank for example, was the mistake concerning other men, or children that exist or do not exist ?

Regardless, I think you have served your penance, whatever you have done, you should not have to live a life being punished, and this meaning your husband can live his life being cruel, unkind and not needing to adhere to boundaries or accountability.

If you want to leave, do so.

Are you sure this secret would be revealed by him if you were to actually leave, or is he calling your bluff, or does the secret have to come out if you leave?

What would happen if you said to him "fine, I'm going to tell them everything. I'm sick of you holding this over my head, so here's an end to it"?

Why does he have all the power here?

Sorry OP but no one can really advise you without knowing.

This is very confusing.

I wouldn’t continue to be with a man who has had multiple affairs, but that’s just me.

Like others, it's too hard to advise on a situation that we know nothing about.

I’m told it would be cruel and unfair to burden my children with this information when they have enough going on in their lives.

Is it your OH that says it would be cruel.
Does he say that as a form of control.
i can’t imagine many mistakes that would be bad enough you deserve to live miserable for the rest of your life.
if your DC are adults and all belong to your OH- what could possibly be devastating for them?

I would write a letter, get it all written down, the reasons, your defence of the situation including all the relevant details, the whys.

Also the details of why it was never disclosed, how you felt ashamed, how you feared the truth escaping (with and without explanation.)

The years of blackmail you have been subjected to and how that has affected your confidence.
Just get it down, every angle, everything.

Read it, read it again and then edit to what you feel comfortable.
Then leave it.

Then leave him, if that is what you want, then see if he reveals all.

Then you will have this letter to either give them or quote from.

Do not let this man steal your life by blackmail, it is an imprisonable offence.
What he has done is worse.

The operative word here is THEN.

Don't reveal anything until you must or it is a time when you feel comfortable.

but who by?
assume your abusive husband?