I need to talk to someone

[Mrsunhappy]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage.I can’t afford to leave and live on my own.
I made a mistake in my marriage 34 years ago which has been held against me ever since. My partner for the whole of our marriage has had so many affairs and even recently was caught texting an old girlfriend.. my dilemma is one of the things that is always held against me would have a serious impact on one of our children (his child)if I actually did what he expects me to do.
my children know our relationship is toxic but don’t know about the rest. Do I confide in them and come clean about my mistake and tell them what has made me so unhappy snd tell them about their dad or keep quiet and protect him . It’s literally killing me the toxicity and not being able to talk to my closest kin about it.

@Mrsunhappy

The thing is if you did something all them years ago and he didn't forgive you. Why did you stay?
Allow him to do the same and it should not be she hurt me I will hurt her.

I cheated on my ex and think I went that far to end the relationship as I confessed all to him. I thought he forgiven me but he didn't would chuck it in my face each argument we had so we wasn't the same anyway and I ended our 7 1/2 years relationship.

So it seems that it's been over for a long time and you both hanging on for the children it's not good.

I think you need to speak to him and say this got to end. You just want to keep punishing me for something I did years ago. We have to tell the children you did something but he also doing things which are bad now.

An affair?!? Is that it? That's literally nothing. I doubt your children will even care. They certainly won't think any differently of you. What a horrible horrible man to blackmail you so. Please get out op.

If you were my mum l would totally have your back on this.

You had an affair and he has been blackmailing you over this for thirty odd years and feeling free to be constantly unfaithful? If you were my mum, I would forgive you. There is nothing really to forgive. But their father's behaviour is unforgivable.

Do the children know about his affairs or could you prove he has had them, in other words would he or has he denied the affairs.

If so you could front it out and say you never had an affair.

Seems fair to me.

He's a hypocrite and a blackmailer to boot.

Is he basicallly using your reputation to hold you hostage to his demands, that of wanting to continue shagging arround and you keeping stun.

He doesn't want you to garner sympathy from the children/grandchildren if you separate so will blacken your character, essentially mounting a smear campaign.

I've got a feeling this sceret will not be quite the grenade you think it will be, your children will still need a babysitter and they will probably think you are both as bad as one another, not great but it's not really the end of the world.

I understand reputation, it is difficult I suppose if you are portrayed as Mother Theresa, but adult children need to grow up at some point.

He really should have stated years ago before you had his children whether he was going to forgive you for this, his current behaviour is worse, you have been a loyal wife since that time, brought his children up and then he seemed to have delivered retriibution on you.

Naw, fuck him, get him divorced and get what's due to you.
Don't be afraid.

@Mrsunhappy This is not your children's business though and maybe they wouldn't think much of their father blackmailing their mother.

Is he jealous of you caring for the Grandchildren.?

To be honest OP, as far as your DC are concerned, a fling you had before they were born pales into insignificance against the bombshell that their entire family life has been a facade created by a blackmailing, abusive, serial cheat of a father. If anything will rock their world it will be finding that out, not your indiscretion.
Which to me suggests this may be a case of least said least damage.
You don't owe your adult children an explanation about anything that happened in your private life, unless you want to give it. You are entitled to your privacy and can tell them as much or as little as you choose. 'I am leaving dad as I've been very unhappy for years. I'd rather not go into detail' should be enough for children who love and respect you.
If they question you about things he tells them about you you can say a something similar. It's up to you if you 'confess' but in your shoes I'd say something like 'I had a friendship before you were born that your dad was unhappy with' and leave it there.
Truly, they don't have a right to know anymore than that and given they were not even born so not remotely effected by it, have nothing to forgive you for.
Set yourself free OP.

had a very short lived affair - is THIS the mistake he has been blackmailing you over? !!
@Mrsunhappy this makes me so very sad, yes it wasn’t your finest moment and you’re right to be ashamed BUT it’s really not that bad (I thought something much more serious) and your children will forgive you… and they weren’t even born at the time?!

Are you worrying that if you split up now you will not be able to provide childcare for grandkids while DC work? Is that why they will suffer financially? Because only the most selfish of children would want to stay this unhappy for the rest of your life for that reason.
I urge you to talk to Womens Aid, and CAB and get some advice on the practicalities of leaving

I don’t think it matters what either of you may have done. What matters is you need to be happy. I’m sure your children would prefer this.

You have been trapped into thinking you need to be punished for life, even if that was true (it’s not) you have certainly served your sentence for the crime! It’s time to free yourself from this situation op, honestly what is the worse case scenario here? That your children disown you? It doesn’t sound like you have that sort of relationship with them if you provide childcare for them, but also you wouldn’t deserve their relationship if they did disown you for something that happened so long ago, even more so having lived with a man who has clearly enjoyed having a hold over you for it and using it to his own advantage, his own infidelity is completely in double standards if he says you’ll be ruining anything or that anyone would think less of you.

it’s time to break free op. As pp said if you were my mum I’d be heartbroken by this news and I’d have your back 100%. If he were my dad on the other hand…..

It happened a very long time ago.

Your H has used this to blackmail you for many many years. He has done much worse too.

If you divorce you'll not walk away with nothing after a long marriage you'll get a decent settlement (50% at least by the sounds of it) - so take some independent advice so you know the actual position

If I was your dc I wouldn't have an issue with it at all. I would have a huge issue with the way you're being treated though. I'd want you to have a happy life.

When my dm was 70 me & dsis took her out for a lovely lunch - both had the day off work. It was lovely. Dm said it was her nicest birthday ever. She was married to my df for 40ish years before he buggered off & left her in peace. It was great to know she'd had a good day but pretty sad that she'd never had a good birthday with df

I wish you well op xxxx

Having re-read all your posts and replies I've come to this conclusion.

You had short affair 34 years ago.

You look after your grandchildren so your children can work.

You work less hours so you can look after grandchildren

Your children think their Dad is happy for you to do this and he plays doting Grandad.

In reality he makes your life a misery, for looking after GC, and not working more, but you don't want to tell your children this as it will upset them.

You can't leave him as you won't have anywhere to look after GC, and adult children won't be able to work.

And/or he'll tell them you had an affair
Even though he's had numerous affairs.

Are you afraid he will use his influence, money or power to turn the children against you ?

He sounds manipulative and I think calling WA could help you find some confidence to stand up to this bully.

He doesn't want you to tell the dc because it means he can't then use it to blackmail you with. His actions have absolutely nothing to do with the children's well-being and all to do with his control over you.

I think you need to leave him. In your shoes I'd not tell the dc, it's not for them to be concerned with, they know you love them and that's all they need to know. If your dh tells them as a way of trying to get to you, then you can sit them down and discuss it with them without his input, you can then decide if you want to explain about his infidelities. Chances are the children are already aware of how badly he treats you and won't be surprised

Thank you for the clarification.

I agree.

If you leave, maybe they will think he is making it up, surely over the years and numerous affairs they will have heard accusations from you about his extra marital affairs.

Just leave and give no explanations or excuses, just deny if you wish it doesn't matter you will have gone, unless he has absolute proof, pictures etc, i'm presuming no written evidence.

He can bleat all he wants.

Your children are parents themselves, they know life is messy and not straight forward. Tell them, or don’t, but don’t let this keep you trapped. I for one would not hold this against my mum, it’s ancient history

This wise advice. 100%.

Stop drip feeding

If no one knows what you did, how will anyone recognise you??