I need to talk to someone

[Mrsunhappy]

I’m in a very unhappy marriage.I can’t afford to leave and live on my own.
I made a mistake in my marriage 34 years ago which has been held against me ever since. My partner for the whole of our marriage has had so many affairs and even recently was caught texting an old girlfriend.. my dilemma is one of the things that is always held against me would have a serious impact on one of our children (his child)if I actually did what he expects me to do.
my children know our relationship is toxic but don’t know about the rest. Do I confide in them and come clean about my mistake and tell them what has made me so unhappy snd tell them about their dad or keep quiet and protect him . It’s literally killing me the toxicity and not being able to talk to my closest kin about it.

Who is telling you it would be cruel ?

Thank you so much. This is a great idea.

Have you ever thought of ringing the Samaritans? I know you are not suicidal, but they are a very good listening ear. And it is anonymous - and they are not involved and are unshockable. I rang them several times after my OH died - just poured my heart out to them in the middle of the night - I just needed to speak to someone as I too had lots of guilt about it all that I did not want to burden my family with - it was a real help.

Do try them - you cannot talk about this with your family and are finding it impossible to be clear about the problem on here (which is entirely understandable) - but they will listen and be kind and it will go no further.

I hope you find a way to be at peace.

Was this something before you started seeing your Husband?

As in you done something and when you met your now husband you confessed your "bad thing "

Something like you were a high class call girl.... and he is going to tell your adult children ?

Only you know your children, how do you think they'd react to something that happened well before you had them ?

I bet whatever it is has been blown hugely out of proportion by his power-tripping on it all this time, and in the reality it wouldn't be nearly as shocking as you imagine.

OP, your children are the wrong people to speak to about this. Find a therapist. They don't need to know.

My mother told me a lot, and I found out more after she died. My dd says she knows too much, though I shielded her from most of it until she was well into adulthood.

We don't have to confess everything to everyone. Get therapy.

And leave him.

It does sound as though you would benefit from talking to a person IRL as I quite understand if you don’t want to divulge details on here.

If you can’t afford any kind of counselling appointment, could you telephone a helpline? Depending on what you did (drugs/alcohol? prison/crime? sex/gambling?) there may be specific organisations to help or maybe even Samaritans to talk to a real human anonymously?

But please don’t live this way any more - I’m sure however bad it was you’ve probably been punished enough, and you shouldn’t put up with being blackmailed like this

that's the whole point, she doesn't want to HAVE to tell her children.

She is being blackmailed by her husband, if she remains in situ and he is allowed to abuse her then he will keep her sceret.

Whatever it Is, you have allowed him to blackmail you over it.
The only way to remove his power is to share the secret and leave.

Does anyone know about this secret other than your husband ?

Op if you had a life previously before them then why does it matter now? Leave a toxic relationship life is tooooo short!

I just think it's horrific that you made a mistake so many years ago and are still being victimized for this. If it was that bad, he should have left you; if it wasn't that bad, he should have made his point and let it be and required whatever remedial action. Literally everyone has made mistakes, most people have made bad ones. But this sounds like torture!

And if it was for money then that is what it is- no point being with someone on edge all the time. I’d rather be broke and happy than on eggshells. And sure he will find something else to go on about

Could you gauge how your children will respond if they knew about the secret or have you no idea whether they would forgive you ?

P S yes, tell your children. They are adults

He is blackmailing you.

If you were my mum I'd forgive you 100% to set you free x

No I had a very short lived affair which all close to me were told about and haven’t mentioned again once we decided to make amends. I look after grandchildren so our children can work..I do earn but I can’t match his earnings. Never could never will be able too. Me not looking after the children would cause financial hardship to them.

This made me cry. Thank you.

That's your own personal experience and cannot be used to tell OP it is wrong to talk to her children. You don't know the circumstances so can't be so absolute in your 'advice'.
OP please get some professional advice and counselling to talk this through. A pp's advice of writing everything down is also an excellent suggestion. Even if you never let anyone else read it, it's a very good way to release some if the stress, cathartic maybe. And seeing it in black and white, in your own words, could quite possibly give you a different perspective on things.

I'm sure we could all stand up and make a confession about ourself / or something we did . I could confess to lots , most not even known by my dh.
Most likely even your grown children .
Unless it has a massive effect on your children's future , could you gather them ( without husband ) and tell them you have something to tell them about your past and you feel it's time to unburden ?

Could you just deny it if he told them? It's not like it effects them in anyway or that they really have any business knowing your private life, so it wouldn't be too bad to lie about it.

I see we crossed posts.
An affair is often a by product of an unhappy marriage .
If your children know it has been , and that you stayed to keep everything ok for them , then I'm sure they wouldn't be too shocked by the revelation.

If you were my mum
i would forgive you and have you to live with me

tell them and tell them
about the blackmail and coercion

I guess he's used that as an excuse for his multiple affairs since?

Honestly I can't see that an ancient affair before they were even born should damage your relationship with your children, but surely it's a state of Mutually Assured Destruction if he's had affairs.

If you're married, do you have a house or mortgage together? Half the marital assets are yours, half his pension, half any savings, half any property. Are you assuming you'd have very little to support yourself because of what he tells you, or have you had solicitor's advice?