I feel that my boyfriend would move in with me but not my children.

[Bluski]

Hi,
I have three children aged 17, 15and 14. I Have been divorced for a couple of years . My x husband had an affair. I have been seeing a nice man for a year and we have had conversations about living together but things are going ok seeing each other regularly and living apart.
The problem is that I get the feeling he would live with me but not my children which I am ok about currently as I don’t think it would work with us all being together under one roof as he can be quite strict with them and I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too. It’s nothing major with him and he is very kind and treats me well . He also asks my children if they want to come out with us and sometimes cooks them meals but I have this feeling that for our relationship to work he should be more committed to the fact that me and my children come as a package or do should I just be happy with how it is as I’m not even sure I would want to live with someone again especially so soon ?

Would be a deal breaker for me. My kids come as part of the package.

Your call though.

He shouldn’t be trying to discipline them at all, he’s your boyfriend, not any sort of parent to them. How is that happening at all? You were presumably parenting them perfectly ably before he came along.

It’s fine and normal that he wouldn’t want to move in with you, most people find living with their own handful of teens pretty hard work, someone else’s would tip most people over the edge so he’s being sensible.

But clamp down hard on him trying to tell them what to do, it’s ridiculous and they’ll loathe him and resent you if it carries on.

Nothing wrong and plenty right about dating him and doing it away from your children.

Do you have 3 teenagers and why would they have to live with a man just because you want to date him?

You've only been seeing him a year, give it time.

To be honest, I think most people would find it difficult to move in with a ready-made family of three teenagers.

Do you really want to move someone into your children's home?

At that age, you can easily leave them to go and see him for the evening or even go away together.

I'm not sure it's a deal-breaker - for me it would be a deal-breaker someone insisting on living together while my DC are still at home.

OTOH the fact that he is not listening to you when you ask him not to discipline your children means there may be conflict down the line even after the DC leave home as they will still be in your life, obviously.

They really shouldn't be part of any package.

I don't . My point is, I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't take me and my kids on board. Full stop.

They shouldn't have to live with a man just because i wanted to date him. I wouldn't date anyone who didn't want my kids as part of my package so to speak.

Don't move him in. You have time and in a few years they'll all be on their own path.

FWIW moving a man in with teenage girls is not a great idea. Or boys because of the whole 'man of the house' nonsense.

Of course they are! They will always be her children. If the bloke doesn't get on with them, goodbye and goodriddance.

The amount of women that put sex above the needs of their children is frankly disgusting!

Do not settle for this from him. He's been overstepping already by trying to be strict to your kids.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You may think he's a nice man but he's already shown a harsher side of himself to your kids not even a mere year in.

Of course they are! They will always be her children. If the bloke doesn't get on with them, goodbye and goodriddance.

The amount of women that put sex above the needs of their children is frankly disgusting!

I think you misunderstand what I meant. I agree with both of your points. I don't think a woman's children should be part of the package when a woman is dating/entering a relationship though.

Kids first. Always.

Thanks guys.

If any of my mothers boyfriends had tried to discipline me at 14-17 I'd have done everything possible to ruin his life.

It's best you don't live together.

If you want to carry on seeing him, don't move in. Also your children are at really critical points in their education. You want to keep everything else on an even keel in their lives.

Doubtful your kids want to be a package for your love life.

OP's man has more sense than to want to move in with three unrelated teenagers...why one earth would he? Why would anyone? OP, you're only seeing him for a year, why would you bring him into your family home?

How is strict with them?

I can’t work out why he has anything to do with parenting teens that he has known less than a year.

Though, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to move in with someone while they have kids living at home.

But the dynamic sounds odd.

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that .

They're not little kids, they are teenagers, and in five years' time they will probably have left home or be away at university anyway.

Yes and that's beyond his scope. He shouldn't be recommending or saying anything to your children.

Trust me. I was the teenager. He's a stranger who is shagging their mum. If he moves in they will despise him.

Nope. Seeing each other for a year and he can be quite strict with your kids? Carry on as you are if you want, but I wouldn't be making any plans to move in together any time soon, if at all, as he's already over stepped the mark set for mum's boyfriend after a very short time.

Ffs that’s absolutely non of his business. I have been with Dp 5 years and me giving lifts to my kids wouldn’t be any of his business.

Why would you even want him living with your kids?

I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too.

You've told him, has he listened? If he has stopped then keep on as you are, i doubt he'll move in for a while. Telling them they should be using their bike rather than using mum as a taxi isn't exactly a big thing especially if gets on well with them and he's including them in most other aspects. However he'd be foolish to move in with you just now.

I'm the same, would move in with my boyfriend but not his kid. Everyone's different, there's no rule says you HAVE to live with a partner.

So what if he doesn’t want to live with your kids? I Don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to live with someone else’s kids either. So I don’t live with my OH because we both have kids and it wouldn’t work. So don’t live with him then. Doesn’t mean you have to split up. Unless he has said something along the lines of not liking them. Just because I don’t want to live with my OH’s kids (and same for him), doesn’t mean we live each other any less. We both respect each other have kids and give each other space and time for them. But I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to move in with me and my kids. Rather that than he did and then it was a bad atmosphere and we’d end up splitting up then