Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel that my boyfriend would move in with me but not my children.

74 replies

Bluski · 06/11/2022 16:07

Hi,
I have three children aged 17, 15and 14. I Have been divorced for a couple of years . My x husband had an affair. I have been seeing a nice man for a year and we have had conversations about living together but things are going ok seeing each other regularly and living apart.
The problem is that I get the feeling he would live with me but not my children which I am ok about currently as I don’t think it would work with us all being together under one roof as he can be quite strict with them and I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too. It’s nothing major with him and he is very kind and treats me well . He also asks my children if they want to come out with us and sometimes cooks them meals but I have this feeling that for our relationship to work he should be more committed to the fact that me and my children come as a package or do should I just be happy with how it is as I’m not even sure I would want to live with someone again especially so soon ?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 06/11/2022 18:58

I'm sure for some it works but in general I think people with children should not novevin together until the children have gone.

Who wants to live in a house where you're worried about telling the kids to behave. It's a minefield. Keep clear of people with kids.

feistymumma · 07/11/2022 02:09

Bluski · 06/11/2022 16:29

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that .

That is not his place at all.

frozendaisy · 07/11/2022 02:33

I wouldn't "move anyone in" to my family home ever, assuming ownership here. Our home is the children's home and possible inheritance.

I would only live with a not their dad man, if it was a new property obtained will equal finances and input.

So all talk of moving "in" would be quickly shut down.

And even then it would be after the teenage school years. And with conditions that any children involved, mind or his, would always have a room, and even then it would be after way longer than a year.

Just be careful OP. Some men want to live with you so you can be an unpaid chief cook and bottle washer. And pay for the privilege.

Sod that.

You have your children. So a mere bf of just a year should be about dates, spoiling each other, laughing, enjoying each other's company, not them telling your kids they should cycle and wondering about living arrangements.

CatJumperTwat · 07/11/2022 03:10

"A nice man" and "ok" are the best you have to say about this relationship after just a year... do you really want to be with him at all? Are you scared to be alone?

Starseeking · 07/11/2022 03:27

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/11/2022 17:04

We have chosen not to live together for the sake of the children, both his and mine. It has been absolutely amazing, I am not sure why I always thought that blending families was the way forward:

  1. our children are teens, they do not want to do things as a family regularly. They want to spend time with their friends, their hobbies and social media, gaming whatever.

  2. The time he is having contact with his children, I am catching up with mine, my friends, my hobbies and the house chores. He does the same.

  3. The nastiness of the ex is gone. Her children have their dad to themselves without distractions on the weekend and she is not giving them hell or grilling them if they had a nice time with me.

  4. Having these little “breaks” in our relationship keeps it fresh and interesting. I really look forward to see him after a few days, the times we are with our respective children are great.

  5. He has his house and I have mine, our assets are safe and so are the children inheritances.

Yes, we are compartmentalising but it seems to be working well for everyone.m, so what’s the point of blending when is working well as it is?

This is exactly what I would if I was in a new relationship. I have no plans to move any man in with me and my 2 DC, especially as I have one DC with SEN, who is extremely vulnerable.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 07/11/2022 03:57

You are quite right that it's not appropriate to be thinking of moving in a new man intp this situation. The teenage years are turbulent times at best, and dealing with their parents splitting will have already been a stress that they have survived, and now they need stability, not further changes to their domestic setup.

Equally from DP's pov, sharing a house with 3 teenagers is stressful and overwhelming even when they are your own and you have strong loving bonds stretching back to their babyhood that helps you to survive the worst of it. Coming in to that scenario as a new family member is something to be avoided if possible.

Stick to living apart, dating and sharing the good times but don't think of him moving in until your youngest is 18. Four years is nothing, it will pass in a flash and you will wonder where the time went.

Ponderingwindow · 07/11/2022 04:06

You have only been seeing him a year. It is way too fast to be integrating him into a family.

your kids are already teens. You don’t have that many years left with them at home. It may not even be worth the changes in your relationship with them that will come from introducing your boyfriend to the household while they still live at home.

custardbear · 07/11/2022 04:10

I'd not have a boyfriend move in til the children move out to be honest. It's about as much stability for the children now they're with you, and moving in with a man, especially one that isn't really interested in a family package would be very low on my priorities

Babasghost · 07/11/2022 05:09

He sounds alright.
Moving in together is a giant step and it just sounds like non of you want that.
The kids are going to be moving into adulthood over the next few years and things will change a lot.

I'd say it's only an issue if what you are looking for is a live in partner who wants to become their dad. In which case you need to talk to him about that.
Otherwise why complicate things?

autienotnaughty · 07/11/2022 06:20

At that age I'd continue as you are. When they are adults maybe reconsider moving in together but I wouldn't mess the family dynamic up now. With the telling the kids what to do, if he did it, you told him to stop and he stopped that's fine. If he's still doing it he's undermining you and not respecting your wishes.

gannett · 07/11/2022 07:58

I don't understand the problem either. He doesn't want to move in with your kids. You're not sure it would work. After only a year there's no way that should be on the table anyway.

he should be more committed to the fact that me and my children come as a package

I don't understand what this means. It doesn't sound like he ignores or resents them. Why do you want him to move in with you?

The disciplining issue is completely separate and shouldn't be hard to solve. Tell him he's overstepping and it's not his place. If he continues to overstep, rethink the relationship.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/11/2022 09:14

Bluski · 06/11/2022 16:29

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that .

Its nothing to do with him. Who the help does he think he is not only telling them what they should be doing, but also telling you what you shouldnt be doing

liveforsummer · 07/11/2022 09:19

I'd not be entertaining moving a man in with 3 teens anyway but you do need to address the disciplining. What does that even mean at that age. I understand correcting an unruly toddler but the 17 year old is nearly an adult and the older 2 old enough to mostly learn from
Their own mistakes unless it's something major in which case it's definitely not his place.

W00p · 07/11/2022 09:26

I'd rather be on my own

BigFatLiar · 07/11/2022 09:43

liveforsummer · 07/11/2022 09:19

I'd not be entertaining moving a man in with 3 teens anyway but you do need to address the disciplining. What does that even mean at that age. I understand correcting an unruly toddler but the 17 year old is nearly an adult and the older 2 old enough to mostly learn from
Their own mistakes unless it's something major in which case it's definitely not his place.

I don't see why anyone would want to move in with someone with children.

Sounds as if his 'disciplining' consisted of telling the kids they should be more self sufficient and less dependent on mum. Considering he seems to be trying to include the kids, in his place I'd be backing right off. No way I'd want to get involved if I was walking on eggshells around the family.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/11/2022 09:53

Bluski · 06/11/2022 16:29

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that .

What am I reading? He shouldn't be saying a fucking thing to your children. Who does he think he is? How you parent your kids has fuck all to do with him. You really need to raise your standards. I would have dumped him so fast his head would still be spinning.

Interviewnamechange · 07/11/2022 09:57

I think you’ve already got a really good set up. You have a nice relationship, your kids approve, why would you want to rock the boat?

Your kids should come first so not moving somebody else in is a good thing. Your kids are older and there will be a time when living together doesn’t impact them as much. He obviously does accept that you have children or he wouldn’t be around them but that doesn’t mean he should step into the role of parent and especially at their ages.

If I were you, I’d enjoy having a partner and enjoy that I had a family set up my way.

knittingaddict · 07/11/2022 10:01

Bluski · 06/11/2022 16:29

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that .

No, that is not ok. Why are you letting that happen?

Theskyisfallingdown · 07/11/2022 10:05

Obviously keep your dating life separate to your kids. No reason to inflict your boyfriend on them.

boredOf · 07/11/2022 10:06

Why change things?

Theskyisfallingdown · 07/11/2022 10:08

I say that because of obvious, basic safeguarding and also as a daughter of a woman (who was a dreadful parent anyway) who brought her various boyfriends in to my home when I was a kid/teenager. Absolutely no need for it, and only further damaged our relationship.

xfan · 07/11/2022 10:11

CatJumperTwat · 07/11/2022 03:10

"A nice man" and "ok" are the best you have to say about this relationship after just a year... do you really want to be with him at all? Are you scared to be alone?

This with the bells on!!

PeekAtYou · 07/11/2022 10:15

I am a single parent of 3 teens/young adults and think that him not wanting to move in with your kids is a very good sign.
At the stage of parenting I'm at, I wouldn't move a bf in but would date and live apart because it would be far too stressful for everyone. My kids will all leave one day which is when I can do whatever but if I was going to move someone in, it would have been much easier when they were primary aged rather than now when we are set in our ways as a family and an extra person wouldn't really be able to join that.

GreenManalishi · 07/11/2022 10:27

This doesn't even sounds like it's an issue right now. You're not even sure you want to live with someone and things are going ok living apart. You make no mention of him putting any pressure on for him to move in.

I would absolutely one hundred percent never move in a man who can be quite strict with them into my teenagers' home. It would be a madness, and potentially ruin your relationship with all three of them as well as your relationship with him.

I wouldn't care how many times he did the cooking. Don't do it. Carry on as you are.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread