I feel that my boyfriend would move in with me but not my children.

[Bluski]

Hi,
I have three children aged 17, 15and 14. I Have been divorced for a couple of years . My x husband had an affair. I have been seeing a nice man for a year and we have had conversations about living together but things are going ok seeing each other regularly and living apart.
The problem is that I get the feeling he would live with me but not my children which I am ok about currently as I don’t think it would work with us all being together under one roof as he can be quite strict with them and I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too. It’s nothing major with him and he is very kind and treats me well . He also asks my children if they want to come out with us and sometimes cooks them meals but I have this feeling that for our relationship to work he should be more committed to the fact that me and my children come as a package or do should I just be happy with how it is as I’m not even sure I would want to live with someone again especially so soon ?

A year is way too soon. Tell him you have no intention of living with him until all 3 have left home, even if it takes 10 years.

It’s only been a year just wait. In a few years the younger two will be a bit older and busier with their own lives. Plus maybe living apart is sensible, you get space!

But if we didn’t have kids. 100% we would be living with each other. So my OH is the same. I’m the same. I would move in with him. But not with him and his kids. They are a “package” but I don’t need to live with him. Is he going to imp me for feeling like that? Of course not

I agree with this.

If it's working not living together leave it like that

I don't understand the problem. A year is far too soon to move in together under the circumstances. You both have satisfactory living arrangements and seeing each other regularly without living together works for you both. You don't want to live with a man at this point, and don't want to move a man in with your children (I agree!) So why is it even a concern? Is he hinting about living together? Are you worried it's expected at some point?

As far as the comments to your children are concerned, he has no formal "role" in their lives and his influence is probably similar to any other adult they haven't known for long - one of your friends, colleagues, or neighbours who's around a lot but only recently, just for example. Treat his interventions the way you would theirs. Something like "I loved to cycle when I was 14, it was great that I would go where I wanted when I wanted" is probably fine, "you should cycle instead of asking your poor mum for lifts" is not fine. If he's overstepping, don't just ask him to stop, hold him accountable for stopping.

I wouldn't force a bloke on my kids who wasn't fully committed to being a decent person to them.

They're not his children. It's not his house. It's not his place to 'be strict'.

It sounds like he's trying to assert his dominance over them and that's a red flag. He's not yet got his feet under your table and he's trying to play the boss? Nah. It's not ok.

Your relationship with him should be kept fully separate from your children for their sakes.

We have chosen not to live together for the sake of the children, both his and mine. It has been absolutely amazing, I am not sure why I always thought that blending families was the way forward:

1. our children are teens, they do not want to do things as a family regularly. They want to spend time with their friends, their hobbies and social media, gaming whatever.

2. The time he is having contact with his children, I am catching up with mine, my friends, my hobbies and the house chores. He does the same.

3. The nastiness of the ex is gone. Her children have their dad to themselves without distractions on the weekend and she is not giving them hell or grilling them if they had a nice time with me.

4. Having these little “breaks” in our relationship keeps it fresh and interesting. I really look forward to see him after a few days, the times we are with our respective children are great.

5. He has his house and I have mine, our assets are safe and so are the children inheritances.

Yes, we are compartmentalising but it seems to be working well for everyone.m, so what’s the point of blending when is working well as it is?

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession about living with boyfriends.

Why can't he just be your boyfriend? Is it a financial thing? Do you need more money coming into your house

If I didn't consider someone husband material, I wouldn't bother living with them, i'd just date them.

Oh I wouldn’t
new man + 3 teens = stress

why not wait

My mother moved in her abusive partner when I was 13 and my brother was 10. It was the start of several years of Hell, and was purely down to the selfishness of my mother prioritising her dating objectives over her kids. As a direct result, our relationship has been damaged beyond repair. I appreciate that’s not quite where you are at OP, but the sounds to me like your partner is already overstepping. Proceed with caution.

This... I would never move a bloke into my kid's home. I've been divorced 7 years now, it's not their choice to have a man moving in. I don't care how much cheaper it is. This is their home too. I work in child protection and I am overrun with cases where the mother has one abusive partner after the next moving in. It's tragic. Why can't people be happy single or just date???

How would living with just him work in the future. For example my adult dc visit twice a week. One big family meal a week and quick coffees! We also socialise with them and holiday with them every year. How would you maintain a relationship with your dc?

You always put your kids first.

Men come and go.

If he is not up for a step-father role, you can continue to date him casually if you are happy with that type of arrangement but accept that he is not long-term, live-in partner material.

''he can be quite strict with them and I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too.''

That would be a red flag for me. He should not behave in this way in the first place and you should not have to tell him twice to back off.

I don’t really understand the problem either. There’s nothing wrong with him not wanting to move in, doesn’t mean he doesn’t accept the kids as part of the package. The kids would prefer him not to and you’ve did yourself it wouldn’t work well. There’s no obligation to move on to the ‘next step’, it’s just whatever works for all.

When I say disciplined them I mean he says to them what they should be doing like cycling rather than not having a lift from me all the time . Things like that.

I see this a lot. Men who think it's their job to protect and nurture the woman and show respect. But they start to do that about the kids' behaviour. And it's often because they se the kids as competition not family and they see their role as Lord and Protector.

It is also a roundabout way to criticise your parenting. If you want to give them lifts, give them lifts. If you don't, don't.

But definitely don't let him move in.

I cannot ever fathom why anyone would not put their children first over a bloody man. Or a woman. Like pp said, they come and go. As for trying to discipline them that would surely tell you to get rid? Anyone putting up with this must be desperate.

He offered further involvement with your children, and you told him to back off.

If he moved in with three teens whose home/family was quite recently disrupted, it's not hard to imagine there would be some teenage reactions adjusting to full time living with a new man. "He can be quite strict", but you won't allow that, so he would be irritated and frustrated with them, there would be friction with you.

It would only work if everyone (not just him) was willing to be more flexible and tolerant . Your kids would have to accept a telling off from him, and you would would have to let him do that.

Why move in together? You have the best of both - a boyfriend and your own space.

Continue dating. It will never work else. I can't see why anyone would even want to try at those ages, no matter how nice everyone is.

Has he actually said that? as you said you get the feeling he doesn't want to. However if you think he's being too strict, think how this is going to impact your children and cause them unhappiness, also do you need a man that tells you how you handle your children? you wouldn't want that would you?

I know someone who does this too, works well. Also if youve got teens planning to go to Uni it’s wise not to live together as the boyfriends salary could impact the loan your children get as it’s household income. I know someone whose child had to take a gap year to work and earn money as mums boyfriend didn’t want to give him 5 grand and mum couldn’t afford it. Fair enough really

It’s not wise to blend families at that age in my opinion. I wonder if he’s being strict or rather making comment on you spoiling your kids,
ie if they are being demanding and expecting lifts etc he might not necessarily do that with his own kids. He’s probably not wrong either

The fuck's that got to do with him?!

I have told him on a couple of occasions that it’s not his place to discipline them and I haven’t asked him too.

He didn't listen the first time then?

Really, really not the sign of a decent bloke OP.

The fact he overstepped and tried to discipline them is already a red flag.

The fact you told him it wasn't his place and he did it again... baffled you're still seeing him tbh.