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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband asked me to leave

105 replies

mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:13

Very sad right now packing a few bits into a carriers.

It's his house so I can't stay. He's holding that over me and He's being really mean. I'm pretty upset. Been a long time coming. I've asked him to be kinder to me as I'm doing what he wants me to do which is leave.

I know I'd deserve better but I don't want to be alone. No children involved - we couldn't have them.

He doesn't know whether he wants to talk to me or not. So I'm Just sat waiting in another room.

Just want a handhold please. I don't knew how I will survive this week.

OP posts:
mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:42

@Fuuuuuckit 4 years married 7 together.

This is all Good advice. I have all the bills and bank statements with the work payments on.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 06/11/2022 15:43

@Fuuuuuckit OP has said it's been 4 years married

Pinkbonbon · 06/11/2022 15:44

If you can afford to go op then I would. See a solicitor afterwords and see if you've a case for the money you invested if you want but just focus on fitting away safe for now.

Life is too short op. Stop kissing this assholes ass.

I'm betting he is asking you to leave as a 'punishment'. so that you won't ask anything of him in future for fear he will kick you out. To make you feel like you have no control in your own life.

Wanna test this? All you have to do is go 'Fine! Good riddance, have a nice life. I can't wait to never have to see you again, cheerybye!' as you leave. Then by the time you're at the end of the driveway, he'll cone running out. Probably with some bs like 'So you're not going to fight for us?'. Because he doesn't want you to leave, he just wants you to suffer and come to heel.

Even if this isn't the case and he is just is a nasty ass who wants you out, life us too short to sit about waiting on him to be nice to you and talk it through respectfully. That'll never happen

So get out of there. Fast. Make sure you take qll important documents. Like accounts and bills in your name so u can cancel them.

Run, be free!

siucra · 06/11/2022 15:46

I just wanted to say that this is your moment to take stock of your life. You are now free to have a life you decide for yourself. As PPs have said, get the money you deserve, secure some housing - small flat? - and then go and live. Study, take interesting holidays, be creative. And most of love yourself. You deserve it.

ConfusedNoMore · 06/11/2022 15:47

If you go, do NOT just take a few clothes.

Take EVERYTHING that means something to you.

Do not assume you can collect it later.

My exh changed the locks and put my things in a skip.

Seriously, you do NOT have to go in a hurry. Think carefully. Take documents. Think about cost of setting up again. He sounds like he doesn't think you should have anything so it might be hard to get your share, so take what you want and need NOW. (IF you leave).

WakingUpDistress · 06/11/2022 15:48

So, take a big breath in. And then

  • go. Just go. Dint wait for him to tell you why he is upset/wants you out. Or that he wants to talk to you. Take back your control and make the next steps yourself, Wo him having to push you out iyswim.
  • go and see a solicitor. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, what he has paid, you have paid. You are married and as such you have rights. How much you should be entitled to will vary (that’s why you need a solicitor). But don’t fall into the trap ‘it’s his house’ when you have been participating to the household.
  • look after yourself. And by that I mean taking a coule if days off work if need be, taking step re work to improve things (whatever that decision was)., seeing a solicitor to protect YOURSELF. You’ve given 7 years of your life to that relationship. I’m sure you’ve made a lot if concessions. Dont let him walk all over you.
it will get better. Flowers
Macon · 06/11/2022 15:50

mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:35

Four years married. I don't want the house or any of the Money really as nice as it would be. He keeps saying I owe him half the mortgage payments.

But I have paid for lots of work to be done on the house. He said he wouldn't have done the work if I had t been there.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this position.

You now need to forget about what he has said, or what he will say, and focus solely on a) seeing a solicitor to discuss your legal rights; and b) getting yourself emotionally and financially strong enough to move forward. I know this is much easier said than done.

He has no power over you. It isn't up to him to decide whether he wants to talk to you or not. He has ended your marriage, which is his prerogative (and may well be the right decision, if you are both unhappy and there are no children to consider), but he doesn't get any further say about anything.

By the way, he is wrong about you owing him anything. As will be confirmed when you speak to a solicitor. Flowers

knittingaddict · 06/11/2022 16:02

Register your home rights with the Land registry. It's a simple form and it protects whatever rights you might have to the house.

BagOfBollocks · 06/11/2022 16:06

mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:38

@BigFatLiar hes says it because I keep having a go at him.

Neither or us happy though so I can see why he is saying it.

I'd rather talk and work though jt but he doesn't want to.

And that's his right not to.

However, it's not his right to force you to leave the house.

Babyroobs · 06/11/2022 16:07

knittingaddict · 06/11/2022 16:02

Register your home rights with the Land registry. It's a simple form and it protects whatever rights you might have to the house.

They have only been married four years and the house was his before marrying.

NumberTheory · 06/11/2022 16:12

Why don’t you think you’re entitled to any of the equity in the house?

You’re married and you’ve been together 7 years (in terms of long/short marriage, time together before you marry counts provided it wasn’t an on-again-off-again relationship). You put money into the house. Whether you’d get 50/50 isn’t clear, but you would almost certainly be awarded a substantial percentage of that and any other assets.

You say you’ve made poor financial decisions in the past, don’t compound that by walking away from the assets you are entitled to now. See a solicitor and sort this out.

You have a life ahead of you that will be much better than one stuck with a guy who is awful to you and won’t talk about the end of your marriage because the football is on. You just need to get through the next few months and get yourself set up for the future.

NumberTheory · 06/11/2022 16:13

Babyroobs · 06/11/2022 16:07

They have only been married four years and the house was his before marrying.

Once you’re married it’s relationship length the court looks at, not simply marriage length. OP says they’ve been together 7 years.

Untitledsquatboulder · 06/11/2022 16:19

mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:35

Four years married. I don't want the house or any of the Money really as nice as it would be. He keeps saying I owe him half the mortgage payments.

But I have paid for lots of work to be done on the house. He said he wouldn't have done the work if I had t been there.

I hate to kick you when you are already so down but don't be so bloody stupid. Walking away with nothing is fine if you were independently wealthy but, as you aren't and you've paid to upgrade your home, take what you are entitled to.

Stay put. Go see a good divorce solicitor. If he wants you out of his life he can pay you what's owed.

ItsOverUnder · 06/11/2022 16:22

Assuming you live in England or Wales and you did not sign a pre nup, and you have lived together 7 years (incl. 4 years married) that is not necessarily a ‘short marriage’.

You must seek legal advice.

You may well be entitled to a substantial proportion of equity in the home, and a proportion of assets held in your husband’s sole name.

endofthelinefinally · 06/11/2022 16:25

You have rights.
You have contributed financially and you need to gather proof of this.
He is not allowed to change the locks.
You need legal advice from a good divorce lawyer.
I am sorry you are in this situation, please don't just roll over and accept this.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 06/11/2022 16:26

ConfusedNoMore · 06/11/2022 15:47

If you go, do NOT just take a few clothes.

Take EVERYTHING that means something to you.

Do not assume you can collect it later.

My exh changed the locks and put my things in a skip.

Seriously, you do NOT have to go in a hurry. Think carefully. Take documents. Think about cost of setting up again. He sounds like he doesn't think you should have anything so it might be hard to get your share, so take what you want and need NOW. (IF you leave).

This take everything garage shed nothing is his

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2022 16:26

Please take what you are entitled to op. It sounds as if you invested in the house and shouldn’t walk away with nothing. As for now, as long as you are safe, I wouldn’t just leave today.

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/11/2022 16:28

What @Untitledsquatboulder says - don't do anything in haste, and don't let him bully you.

Is there another bedroom you can move into? Tell him you'll move into it until you have had a chance to arrange accommodation for yourself and got ALL of your stuff packed (as a PP has already said - there's a chance a lot could be dumped the minute you're out, just out of spite).

It might be worth posting on Legal to see what your rights are likely to be - they can give you a ball park idea, I'm sure, but you'll need your own good lawyer to properly look into your unique situation.

Whether he would have made improvements to the house or not without your prompting is surely neither here nor there - you have paid for them, he has benefitted from them, and his property has increased in value because of them

You are in shock at the moment - don't make any decisions until you have had time to think clearly and taken some advice. If you have a friend or relative who can give you moral support, lean on them.

He's a tw@t - don't be cowed by his behaviour.

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/11/2022 16:28

Oh - and when you are able to think a bit more clearly, start lining up your ducks . . .

HotWashCycle · 06/11/2022 16:30

This is your home, OP. You are in a stronger position than you think. He cannot just turn you out of the marital home. If he wants to end the marriage, he can leave, and the marital assets be dealt with properly by solicitors. You are in a stronger position than you think. Please think very carefully before you leave the house as he is telling you to. If you are not in any danger from him, stay and seek legal advice tomorrow. As another poster has said, get this request from him in writing, even if it just a text. Gather together all your paperwork especially financial, in case he takes it or keeps it, and any other assets you have, such as car and its keys.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/11/2022 16:30

I would go if you are able to do so and gave somewhere to stay for your mental health and then go and get a crack solicitor and go after absolutely everything you are entitled to and more for him being such a complete arse!! Including payments whilst divorce is going through.

LeilaRose777 · 06/11/2022 16:33

mrsjimhopper · 06/11/2022 15:35

Four years married. I don't want the house or any of the Money really as nice as it would be. He keeps saying I owe him half the mortgage payments.

But I have paid for lots of work to be done on the house. He said he wouldn't have done the work if I had t been there.

You might say this now and mean it, but you need to think of yourself. For a start, you're married to him, so regardless of what he thinks it is not "his house" in law. A friend of mine whose marriage broke up found out that her husband had deliberately not put her name on the title to the house as he thought that she wouldn't be able to have any claim on it if they divorced. How wrong he was - she got half, even though she had never paid a penny on it - he bought it outright with an inheritance.
So you are entitled to a share of the house, and if he can't buy your share from you, the house will be sold.
Please go and see a solicitor as soon as possible and start divorce proceeding - do NOT wait for him to do this.
Please reach out to friends and family - this is urgent. Tell them the situation, ask for help. You'll probably find that people are very willing to help you out and give support. I feel so sad reading your posts. You absolutely deserve a better life than this. But don't walk away from the things you're entitled to. Best of luck to you.

FlissyPaps · 06/11/2022 16:34

OP this is your home! Who the hell does he think he is asking you to leave with no explanation. Seriously who the fuck does that?

He seems incredibly selfish and heartless. I’m so sorry.

Try and make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can to get all the advice and options you need.

I hope you have good friends and family round you. Talk to them. Reach out and be completely honest. Don’t bottle anything up💐

creideamhdóchasgrá · 06/11/2022 16:36

Fuuuuuckit · 06/11/2022 15:41

How long have you been married op?

If it's a medium- long term marriage then the whole house (and all savings, pensions etc) are marital assets and will go in the pot to be shared, no matter whose they were originally, who earned them or contributed.

Similarly if you can evidence your contribution to the home improvements and bills, you will be entitled to some of the equity.

He cannot make you pay half the mortgage if he lives there on his own, that's his payback for single occupancy.

Take a breath. Get some distance. Then get angry at how he's treating you. Get on the wikivorce forum to get an idea of your next steps.

Good luck.

Re Finances. You are not necessarily financially broken - and @F@Fuuuuuckit
has good points. For when you are calmer and in a safe space to read, see below.

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk
Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Hope this is helpful. Caveat – this is not my profession.
Legal advice should be sought.

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Fuuuuuckit · 06/11/2022 16:36

RandomMusings7 · 06/11/2022 15:43

@Fuuuuuckit OP has said it's been 4 years married

Sorry, op had updated whilst I was typing.

Might be worth a request for 'go away' money though op