Do I leave DH

[cafee]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married 3.5. We go together at uni, both early 30s now.

No kids, we jointly own a mortgaged house. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out realistically. Both earn decent money, I’m marginally the higher earner.

We get along quite well, but I’ve been feeling for a long time like I’m not a priority in his life. For example:
1- we went to a therapist last year to improve our communication. It did work for a while, but she asked us to explain to each other the small things that “top up the tank” in terms of love. I mentioned a few things but said grabbing me a bunch of flowers from the shop or similar. Since then, despite me asking him to do it a few times, he hasn’t done it once.
2- I got a new job, which is a big deal for me. He did nothing to celebrate or acknowledge it. I explained that hurt me, he just didn’t even think about it.

Our lives are very much intertwined, we share a friendship group etc. we went for a fertility assessment earlier in the year which suggested we start trying within the year. That’s been put back because of my new job.

we do have sex but lately I’ve not been looking forward to it, it just feels like something I should do.

I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him. I don’t really want to split up, but equally feel at a crossroad. We are both young enough to go out and meet new people.

He is a good guy and I’m sure he’d be a great dad. But I know these issues won’t improve with having kids.

We have an appointment on Monday again with the therapist to discuss.

It will not improve with kids. The fact that you are needing help this early in your relationship is something you need to think about.

I wouldn't say 12 years was early. But it does sound like things have ran it's course and you're more into friendship territory now.

Early? They've been together 12 years.

OP seeing a therapist is a good move. You sound like you are at a turning point one way or another. It might be saveable or it might not, but you definitely need to decide before children not after. Good luck.

12 years is early when you’ve been in a relationship for 30 plus years ! For ever is a long time.

It’s over a third of my life so I’m not sure it’s early.. we’ve had a wonderful relationship for 9 or so years but I do have the feeling we’ve grown up together, and perhaps have grown into different people (totally understandably).

I wish I had a crystal ball. I’m very pragmatic and have raised these issues with him, but he seems to be burying his head in the sand.

When you have told him you feel he isn't making much effort what does he say ?

It's tricky OP. He sounds like a basically good man who doesn't quite match up to your expectations. Personally I wouldn't mind about the two examples you give, when choosing a life partner. But if you just feel that you don't love him any more then I guess it may be time to part ways.

This was me once, pre kids. However I pretended to myself it was fine but 15 years later we divorced. It won’t get better if you have kids down the track as that will put a different kind of pressure on the relationship. Staying in a relationship when you’ve realised you are only there as “friends” and because you fear change or have mutual friends gets old at some point.

Do you ever buy him flowers? (Or the equivalent that he would enjoy ?)

That he’s upset that he’s made me feel that way, that he’s been naive for taking me for granted, and that he wants to prioritise us.

and I genuinely believe him. It just doesn’t seem to translate to actual effort.

I completely agree. He is a good man, and I’ve no doubt if I took the romantic expectations out we’d rub along quite easily together for however long. We don’t really argue about anything substantial, and have similar values.

This is my concern. I feel like I’m squashing these feelings down and they will rise up again

12 years in isn't early in a relationship by anyone's estimation.

OP your relationship may have run its course and it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse tbh. To not even acknowledge your new job is very strange. Might there be some jealousy there?

It's good if there's still friendship and no animosity, then hopefully if you do separate there will be minimal awkwardness with your social circle. Don't let fear of change stop you from calling time on what sounds like a very stale relationship, and don't have a baby hoping that will solve the problem.

I try to. I cook meals for him that I know he will like, and try to organise date nights.

if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve taken my foot off the gas with it as it felt one sided. That won’t have helped as it’s a vicious cycle- I’ve stopped making an effort and so he will see that.

This happened to me, but im not sure your situation is so clear-cut. I met a great guy at uni within my friendship circle, fell in love, got to age 27 and realised things were just.... meh. He hadn't grown up enough, and being with me had sheltered him from learning how to be a good partner. Things had just rumbled on and i became very frustrated, couldnt see a future for us. There were other issues too - sexual preferences and fetishes of my ex's that i found disturbing and didnt enjoy. I had stayed because we had become the "hub" for our friendship group - we often hosted big get togethers and i loved my ex's siblings. It was extremely hard to turn my back on the entire history of my adult life. But now? In my 40s, married with kids, im glad i left my ex. I did lose all my uni friends and of course the relationship with ex's siblings - as one, they entirely blamed me. It was a tough time.

On the other hand i know people who met their partners at uni and are still going strong.

You're in even deeper... it is a very difficult decision to split up when you've got as far as getting married, buying a house, thinking about kids.

I would say you could try again, if he is willing. Make sure he knows it is a "last chance" situation. I would also advise that you have to look for the little signs of love in what he DOES do, not just look for the bits that are missing. Even if they are very small. Anything. So, he buys your favourite brand of coffee and makes you a cup every Saturday, or he lets the lawn grow long even though he hates it looking untidy because he knows you like to see the daisies flower.

If you are just past all that effort, then yes it is time to leave. Dragging it out will just make it worse. You only live one life, and you'll need at least year to recover and discover the freedom of adult life without a partner before you're ready to look for a new person to share life with.

It's definitely not early when you're in your 30's - need to bare in mind her age.. similar to mine, I've been in my relationship for 15 years and it's one of the longest ones in my social group!

Your relationship actually sounds very similar to mine.

I think we're at the 'part of the furniture' stage... I.e. we love each other but it's more if a comfort and friendship relationship than a wildly passionate and absolute enthusiasm for each other thing. To be honest, I thought that's just how it went!

Your husband sounds like my wife though... she has depression and its not easy as her enthusiasm for me and life in general is very very low, despite me knowing for sure she loves me in her own way as much as she could love anyone.. but for someone that is very affectionate, passionate, sexual, attentive and generally considerate (or at least I like to think!), to be faced with someone that is the polar opposite is challenging. And I will admit over time my side has declined more to match her level as there's only so much giving I can do without receiving...

It just sounds like he is 'content' and has simply given up with the enthusiasm and effort. Some people just don't get the importance of that spontaneous bunch of flowers or birthday cards (men stereotypically seem to be bad with cards!)...

You're trying with the therapist but it takes two. I think you're a bit off the break up point but there's a sliding scale from hate to not enjoying to content, all the way to unicorns and rainbows You have to decide, are the flowers and job enthusiasm a pick-me-up in a moment if weakness that would just reinvigorate your relationship, or are they a sticking plaster on something broken? Has it always been like this or had there been a gradual decline?..

Any relationship where you meet young and 'grow up together' means that each of you is likely to change more during the course of the relationship than you would if you met at a later stage. I don't think that's necessarily a negative thing though.

From everything you describe, it doesn't sound like the marriage is doomed or has run its course... but you need to find a way to rekindle things and get communication back.

Fwiw from my perspective as someone in my fifties who met my dh at university, when it comes to having children, you'll really value the qualities of friendship and shared values. The most passionate intense relationship I had (prior to dh) was incredible but we would have made a crap long term partnership. Whereas with dh there's a solid foundation as well as the love and of course sex.

I honestly think after 12 years it's worth investing the time and work to get back on track. Obviously he has to engage in that too but it sounds like he doesn't want things to end, he just needs to realise that long term marriages need reigniting sometimes

Does he realise it's so bad that you're thinking of leaving? Some people (but let's be honest, mostly men) don't take the issues seriously until it actually has a ramification for them. You saying you're upset every so often isn't really impacting on his life unfortunately. The prospect of you leaving might.

So he says what you want to hear re making an effort but doesn't put his words into action . It's pointless him saying it then really. Filling you with hope that he will make more effort , then you may well feel more connected /wanted but it's just not happening. Sorry op but this could well have run it's course .

Hi @cafee I think it's great you are being Pro active to go to therapy in your relationship before kids (we went once and decided we didn't need it but I wish we carried on!) Years later and after kids we are still going strong but there are things like kids that put pressure on the already rocky relationship it was hard but we are coming through it now, we have bonded a bit more and we appreciate each other more. I understand about the flowers I had to ask to get flowers I mean it just wasn't in his mind to do stuff like that (he'd go all out on birthdays and anniversaries) but what you want isn't what you will get and either yes you accept it or you can leave and start a fresh. You are quite brave I think. You will be ok!

Honestly? If I was in my early 30s and wanted kids, I wouldn't leave a pretty good relationship with a decent man (unless he didn't want kids). I'd just be worried that I wouldn't find what I was looking for, and would run out of time to have kids. (If you're ambivalent about kids then ignore the above.)

Also, I don't know many long term couples (together over a decade) who spontaneously buy each other flowers for no reason!

I'm going to go about against other posters and say that not responding at all when you get a new job shows quite a lot of contempt for you.

The flowers thing is tricky...my DH doesn't buy me flowers and I buy them myself and I cheerfully tell him why if he complains about the cost. But there is very little effort in being enthusiastic for your partner. He doesn't need to go to the shop to buy enthusiasm.

And OP having kids is hard, if I didn't have a good partner I'd rather be living a different sort of like (travel, cocktails that sort of thing, don't do it with someone who doesn't care about the other important things in your life.

Trying to reply to everyone, there’s some great points on here (thanks all).

Regarding noticing the little things, I’m definitely trying to do that. Eg he brings me a coffee in bed most mornings.

Being the hub of our social circle- this is definitely us. We host most things (we both enjoy it) and it does feel sad to think we might lose that. One of the longer term couples split up a couple of years ago, they both still come to stuff and one has remarried so I’d just have to hope we can all be civil.

The sliding scale- I really don’t want to get to the point of resenting him. We do get on well.

his values and friendship- I totally agree these are key qualities for a partner/ Dad. But I do have a feeling of. Is this enough…

He does realise it’s that bad- I ended up breaking down a bit in the week and telling him. He’s gutted. But again, I need to see action..

Definitely feel like part of the furniture. Sometimes I feel like I could walk in totally naked, or on fire, or with a cup of tea for him, and get the exact same response in all 3 situations.

He does have moments. If I raise it, he’s generally pretty attentive for the few weeks after that. But then it slips again. We are busy people and I know that. But he always manages to find time for things he wants to do such as sport

The flowers thing is an example do something I’ve asked for, as it shows me affection. It’s not really about the flowers- it’s about communicating something that would show me he’s thought about me. And that he just hasn’t bothered to do it, despite me asking again.