Do I leave DH

[cafee]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married 3.5. We go together at uni, both early 30s now.

No kids, we jointly own a mortgaged house. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out realistically. Both earn decent money, I’m marginally the higher earner.

We get along quite well, but I’ve been feeling for a long time like I’m not a priority in his life. For example:
1- we went to a therapist last year to improve our communication. It did work for a while, but she asked us to explain to each other the small things that “top up the tank” in terms of love. I mentioned a few things but said grabbing me a bunch of flowers from the shop or similar. Since then, despite me asking him to do it a few times, he hasn’t done it once.
2- I got a new job, which is a big deal for me. He did nothing to celebrate or acknowledge it. I explained that hurt me, he just didn’t even think about it.

Our lives are very much intertwined, we share a friendship group etc. we went for a fertility assessment earlier in the year which suggested we start trying within the year. That’s been put back because of my new job.

we do have sex but lately I’ve not been looking forward to it, it just feels like something I should do.

I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him. I don’t really want to split up, but equally feel at a crossroad. We are both young enough to go out and meet new people.

He is a good guy and I’m sure he’d be a great dad. But I know these issues won’t improve with having kids.

We have an appointment on Monday again with the therapist to discuss.

@cafee
Happiness is an interesting thing. I think what we need to be happy changes over time. But I also think as we get older we mature and become more realistic in out expectations.

Movies always end up with the Girl getting her The One and they ride off into Happily Ever After. And I think as young people we expect that sort of euphoric feeling to last on and on. And we think of that as happiness.

If I ask my elderly mother what happiness is for her at the current stage of her life - it will be having her friends and family around; no health issues/pain; no worries about tomorrow.
I am far from that stage - I still have not fully grown kids and a partner. Happiness for me includes some combination of kids, myself and my relationship. But it’s not the same as butterflies or ‘jumping for joy’ as someone put it earlier.

I think you are struggling with the transition from one phase of your life to another. People who got together young get to this point and often question whether we move to the next stage together (have kids) - or do we find other partners. My H’s 1st W - they met at university - at that point had an affair and left. So - it was a No for her.

This isn’t the last fork in the road, btw. After people have kids, and about 10-15 years into it - there is the next one. Many people around me are in their mid-late 40s, with kids almost grown - many couples are tired/bruised/accumulated resentments from years of kids. This is the point when peoples are questioning if they stay together into ‘after kids’ phase. So - there are plenty of separations again.

Lots to look forward to OP. 😊

I don’t know how these decisions are made. I do hope that you figure out what you want and need. It is about happiness; you are right. But it’s more than that, as life is long and complicated. And you need to think about time and practicalities of having kids as well - if that is something important to you.

I have a sense of.. is this it? For the next 50 years, this is just.. it.

It's hard. Part of me just wants to be on my own, to figure out what I want. The other feels very comfy with him.

I had a huge wobble in my marriage after 12 years too, OP.

I had the same resentments building - I felt very taken for granted.

I came to the decision to leave, and told DH. He was so shocked (even though, like you, I'd told him how I was feeling) and he begged for another chance - which I agreed to. But it's as though he knew I meant it.

I'm so glad I did. I had become very wrapped up in the negatives and didn't appreciate the positives. I also felt unfulfilled in other areas of my life, but blamed everything on my relationship. He stepped up, but so did I. Things are amazing now, I feel very lucky.

Communication has been key - and humour! Having fun together with no external stress, being affectionate and connecting is vital. We changed our routine, went for long hikes, travelled further afield etc.

Marriage is work, it's not easy, - I think I realised this, too, and it has good years and bad years. If you can laugh together, share the same values, and you know you love each other then it's worth it.

“Is this it…’ is exactly the feeling I am talking about. And it is really about you and your expectations from life. It is less about your actual relationship.

It is similar to the feeling a friend of mine described. She has 3 kids, good husband, job she liked. And the feeling was no different.

When we are kids - the world is open to use full of possibilities. Then we are young and studying and trying to make it. Strive for this and that. And then, by early 30s we sort of arrive in our ‘adult’ place. And - many are hit with the same question - ‘is this it’…:

Personally - when I was your age I got depressed. I had a great job, achieved way more than I ever expected, had a stable good bf…. And yet - life seemed empty.
Took me a while with an analyst to start untangling my feelings.

What is his dad like? Guys have a habit of sliding into their Dad once they get complacent in a relationship.

Yes! I agree that many of us experience the 'is this it..?' thing at some point in our lives. And it's often when we've achieved some of the things we've been striving towards (eg career goals, owning a house etc) and we expected more from having what we wanted.

OP, I recommend reading Happy by Derren Brown. He talks about how to be fulfilled by feelings of contentment, rather than joy / passion / ecstasy.

Sometimes there's not a single big reason to split up but that doesn't mean you should tick along. You change so much between late teens and early 30's. I think you'd both be far happier by following your gut and ending the relationship before children come along.

His Dad is a complicated man. I'm not sure he will become like him, he isn't hugely like him.

I accept this is about how I feel generally, not just about the relationship. He told me he thought I was flat lately, but assumed it was just down to my work. It isn't.

The session with the therapist was good and I think has opened his eyes a bit. We have some things to work on over the next few weeks and then another session in a fortnight.

I will book myself some sessions to speak to a third party about how I am feeling.

Quietly, I am also going to have a think about what life might look like as a me, not as a we. It might give me some perspective and if nothing else, I'll be aware of my options.

I was like you with my ExW, we met at Uni etc, but just became different people and split after about 10 years, nothing bad, just bored with each other I suppose

the qualities you do have are excellent foundations if you want kids, as a previous poster said.

if you don't want kids, and are ok with that maybe never happening, there is really no point in staying together.

it's a big wide world out there. it's actually very challenging to be with someone from uni onwards because you haven't had any time to just be yourself without the context of another. 'growing up' together can be very stifling even if it is wonderful a lot of the time.

In your position I would end the relationship. You can still see your friends if you make a clean break.
Having a child with him will make things worse. It’s hard when you are in love with your partner and pull together never mind when your relationship isn’t great.
Good luck op but you are young. You only get one shot at life, take it.

This carefully I ditched one like this and it was the most stupid thing I ever did in my life

he deiced my car and made me tea

but after 3 years the passion waned and I went off travelling

he had children with a friend of mine and married her - they got back in touch after I broke his heart and he is happily married with 3 great kids but not to me

Do you love him? That’s the only question you need to ask yourself. Listen to your gut and if there are niggles always there, listen to them and take action.

Having kids tests the most loving of relationships, I love my hubby and never want to leave him (normally!) but I asked him for a divorce 3 times during terrible arguments the first year we had a kid! It was so hard! Mainly cos of sleep deprivation.

you could also read the 5 love languages to see if he is showing his love in a different way to you. This might be really helpful. For example my mum shows her love by making food for people whereas I prefer her to say nice things to me. I have learned to understand her language and translate it into my own xxx