Do I leave DH

[cafee]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married 3.5. We go together at uni, both early 30s now.

No kids, we jointly own a mortgaged house. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out realistically. Both earn decent money, I’m marginally the higher earner.

We get along quite well, but I’ve been feeling for a long time like I’m not a priority in his life. For example:
1- we went to a therapist last year to improve our communication. It did work for a while, but she asked us to explain to each other the small things that “top up the tank” in terms of love. I mentioned a few things but said grabbing me a bunch of flowers from the shop or similar. Since then, despite me asking him to do it a few times, he hasn’t done it once.
2- I got a new job, which is a big deal for me. He did nothing to celebrate or acknowledge it. I explained that hurt me, he just didn’t even think about it.

Our lives are very much intertwined, we share a friendship group etc. we went for a fertility assessment earlier in the year which suggested we start trying within the year. That’s been put back because of my new job.

we do have sex but lately I’ve not been looking forward to it, it just feels like something I should do.

I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him. I don’t really want to split up, but equally feel at a crossroad. We are both young enough to go out and meet new people.

He is a good guy and I’m sure he’d be a great dad. But I know these issues won’t improve with having kids.

We have an appointment on Monday again with the therapist to discuss.

This is my concern. He’s a good guy. On kids. I think I want them but if I didn’t have them, I’d probably be okay with that long term. I wouldn’t say it’s a desperate longing right now.

Have you done the love languages quiz? I can't remember what they are or what ours were but they were similar so we have a similar outlook/approach. yours just might not be compatible.

're the flowers, I recently got a new job which wasn't a promotion or that I even had to apply for and DH got me.flowers to say congratulation s and we still do nice (small) things for each other after 15 years,I think if he's not making the effort after 12 it's not going to get better. And if that translates into not making an effort with kids/housework etc you will resent him so much

It sounds like he takes you for granted.
Sometimes people get stuck in predictable routines and forget about making the effort.
I don't know what your relationship is day to day.

Are you doing all the cooking, shopping, laundry, wifework?
Does he plan dates for you?

I understand this isn't about flowers. It's about your DH 'seeing' you. Not just being part of the background of his life. Feeling like he's chosen to do someone with you or for you, just because that's what he wants to do, and that he wants you to be happy. Celebrating your achievements with you. Not taking your presence for granted.

You have clearly set out that these things are important to you. He's acknowledged that and appears to want to be that person, but when it comes down to it, it isn't important enough to him to sustain.

It may be that you are simply no longer compatible. Better to decide that now than to leave it another 5 / 10 / 50 years. It sounds like you've raised this several times over recent years and it's made no difference, so it isn't like you've tried.

That should say...

So it isn't like you haven't tried.

I do have the feeling we’ve grown up together, and perhaps have grown into different people (totally understandably)

This is what you know in your gut, OP.

If you're feeling a bit meh about the relationship, and are not particularly desperate to have kids just for the sake of having kids, I think you should listen to your soul's cry for new experiences. I also married my partner from uni days, and there comes a point in some relationships where you have grown as much together as you possibly can, and to stay is to become stagnant in life.

It's OK if a relationship has simply run its course. It doesn't mean anyone's majorly at fault, it doesn't mean either of you are bad people. Things come to a natural end sometimes, that's life.

A lot of people get stuck on the idea that there has to be acrimony and awful behaviour around a breakup but sometimes you just grow apart, and it's so natural to do this over the course of your 20s. Between university and my early 30s, I feel like I transformed completely.

This would actually be a healthy split. You've had a good innings. There's no hostility so you'll move on from each other with respect and a degree of fondness - both of which will help you navigate the social circle questions.

(An aside - I have seen plenty of breakups in my various social circles over the years and it's certainly possible for exes to both remain in the group, if they want and if there's no hostility. Though your social circle has to be a healthy one too, not full of gossipers or drama llamas.)

The two caveats, I guess:

1. You could just be in a rut and if you work at it you could reignite the relationship. But the thing is it sounds like you're doing the work, ie you've got all the way to couples therapy, and it's not taking. I don't believe in fighting too hard for a relationship. Relationships are meant to ease life's struggles, not be life's struggles.

2. The whole "he'll be a solid choice of father" thing. Firstly as PP have said your issues will only deepen if you bring kids into the mix. And secondly you're ambivalent about having kids anyway. You say you'll be OK long-term if you don't have them. This gives you a lot more freedom to find the partner who's right for you, at your leisure - or to just enjoy being single for a while.

Right you love him so rather than focussing on what he doesn't do focus on what you can do and see if that sparks some romance(I know you have done this at felt one sided but sometimes it takes a few kick starts)

Tell him you are going out for dinner at this place and said time and you are dressing up and that's that

Get HIM something sexy you would want him to wear in the bedroom and tell him he's wearing it

Get yourself something sexy too to wear as a surprise

Set up some candles in the middle of the day even and get the massage oil out and massage him and tell him your next

Tell him point blank that you are a woman who deserves flowers of any kind and let him know. Hell buy him some damn flowers and say to him there you go that's how it is done if say you have bought them for yourself as he doesn't bother and even say HINT HINT

Ask him what he wants for dinner one night and when he says say great I can't wait to try what he makes

Leave a little love note for him in the house with a question at the end so he HAS to write one back

Drive him to watch the notebook and make comments throughout how romantic that guy is etc

Go to the shop together like the pound shop and separate. You both have to pick 5 things that remind them of the other person, or 5 things that you know they will like, get his mind ticking

Get the first text messages on the go again and some suggestive pictures of yourself while he's out or whatever aslong as you trust him with such photos.

When he walks in the door have music on and greet him in something you feel attractive in and let him appareciate you as a woman.

What if you made a list in your shopping cart of romantic things and show him and ask him which ones he wants to treat you too

Book an experience day together

Get assertive and if he still doesn't take it as a kick up the bum then you need to decide what is best for you

I think people often just have inertia in these situations. Unless something happens to drive either of you to leave you'll tick along as you are because it's a big effort to wipe the slate clean.
Things aren't awful so you just coast along... 3, 10 years later, you wish you'd found the motivation as you realise so many more doors of opportunity have closed and life is more behind you than ahead making it even harder to leave.

Don't have kids feeling this way, you have to know you want to stay with him to raise kids together and not find yourself burying yourself and having to turn parts of yourself off. If you're finding it hard to unpick your situation now it will be harder with kids. As soon as the kids exist their needs come first and then your choices get more complicated.

You don't have to wait for him to agree its time to party company, maybe its you that will break the inertia

It’s interesting that you have chosen two very superficial things as an example of him not making a enough effort - flowers and a formal celebration of your promotion.
But it doesn’t matter if he appears the perfect partner - you clearly are not feeling it and have not for a while so might at the very least need a break from each other. I suspect you want more excitement.

@cafee OPI had exactly this with my first husband. Just got to the end of the road. Thankfully we hadn't had kids and so we parted as friends. I was 37. Met DH at 39 and it is TOTALLY different. He's the part of me I didn't even know was missing. Please don't settle out of fear...

I was wondering about the property situation. Would you both be able to buy a small place or your own if you split?
Sounds a bit mercenary, but it's not a good time to start renting if you don't have to.

Re: flowers. Does he think they're wasteful? Maybe he'd be more amenable to buying you house plants you can keep? I have known some right proper arseholes who are always buying flowers for partners.

Its good you are addressing your issues, but also maybe you need some new stuff/ hobbies etc just for you, so you are happy with your own life.

Ha ha.

Just admit you misread it instead of doubling down.

Unhelpful as he hasn't said he'd like something whereas she did.

@cafee

To me you sound a bit depressed.
And, in addition, it seems as life is entering next phase of being grown up/having kids - you are regretting missing out on the excitement of chase/being wooed/highs of falling in love - that people have in their 20s.

Thing is - if you want to have kids and are in your 30s - the most important thing is to have a solid/reliable/good dad material partner. I’d take it any day over someone who buys flowers and makes romantic gestures but is not ok the same page to me on the important things.

You can of course leave, and join the other 30yos dating and hoping to meet essentially someone like your H, who would be making ‘more effort’. May work. But it’s what most of the early/mid 30s women are looking for, and it’s not easy. And there isn’t a long time, given fertility window. And there are plenty of women reaching late 30s and having to make tough decisions on having a kid with someone less than ideal, Vs being childless.

Anyway - looking back at your choice with the benefit of having my kids and being a bit ahead of life than you - I would first try to work on myself and on the relationship.

….. I’d certainly explore if some of my feelings of dissatisfaction with life is due to my own depression
….. I’d also give more time to couples’s counselling .
Not only to make Him more expressive; but also to understand how we both work as
a couple and what we both need.
All you say here is one sided - it’s about you needing him to show/do. But I am not sure you really know what he feels or what he actually needs.

Relationships need to work both ways.
(For eg: You say you used to cook meals for him - but it’s unclear if he sees it as an expression of love. It may be your love language, not his).

Thank you everyone.

I won’t be doing any passive aggressive Notebook watching, but am certainly going to give it a go to being a bit more attentive and romantic towards him. I’ve nothing to lose by trying for another few months, to see if we can reignite this.

In my head I think I’ve squared off that if I left, eventually I’d be okay. It would be a shit year, but I’m financially stable and have a good support network.

Re Housing- yes we could each buy something smaller individually. Our joint assets are limited to the house and cars. Would be harder to decide what to do with the dog..!

I’m definitely not depressed in the clinical sense, but agree that I’m not happy with this situation.

the love languages is an interesting one. He used to do these things, and has just stopped. It feels like he no longer cares. I’m sure he does, he’s just stopped showing it.

No, he doesn’t plan dates really, unless I ask him to make arrangements for something I’ve seen.

housework etc we split fairly well. I do shoulder most of the mental load but he is trying in that respect. He’s definitely not a bad person. Just clueless at times.

He’s definitely not a bad person. Just clueless at times.

I'd be wary of having kids with someone inconsiderate.

Talk is cheap. It's actions that count.

You've told what you want/need, he's heard it. And done nothing about it. That tells you everything, you are not a priority to him.

Out of all the couples I know that got together in their early 20s/at university, none are still together now (30 years later). Most have remarried/have new partners. Your relationship has run it's course. Definitely don't have children with him.

I’d just reiterate that couples counselling is important.
You are going through something that is affecting you personally, and you as a part of the relationship. And you can’t solve it on your own. There needs to be actual communication and you two figuring out how your relationship works (or not) now that both of you are proper grown ups and possibly entering next phase (kids, etc)

Rather than you trying this and that (‘more romantic towards him’) - it’s more important to understand if and what is important to him in a relationship these days.
And of course - he needs to hear what you need/want. But not just - ‘buy me flowers sometimes’…. He needs to understand what it means to you, how it makes you feel, etc.

Otherwise - if it’s bit something he understands/feels/needs himself - it all appears like some sort of a test/hoops to jump through.

I am not romantic myself. I don’t express love in giving cards, etc. If I were told to do it with some regularity to prove my love - I could do it mechanically. But it’s not what my partner, is it?

I did not misread it.

@MMmomDD well said.

Agreed on the couples counselling. We have a session booked this week. It was helpful before, and I will try and speak to him about what I can do, too.

I don’t particularly want to give up on this, but equally I don’t want to just stay married because it’s easier than being single, if that comes at the expense of both of our happiness

Have you had counselling yourself? On your own to find out what you need? What that niggle is? If your not happy there is a reason and yes if you aren’t jumping for joy now, kids will make it a whole lot harder. Life sounds a bit meh. Could you both choose something fun to do together and make it a regular date thing? People grow up and do grow apart just because he is familiar doesn’t mean he is the one…..

Not for this, no. I get some sessions through my work health insurance so have signed up and am on the wait list for a therapist to be allocated to me.

we do need to have more fun. Life has got a bit stale and it feels like unless I’m pushing it forward, he’s happy to let it drift.

I agree with bandwagon — if you really really threaten leaving he will try…

But I think he might try for a bit and then things will slide again. OP, I thought there was more to your post. Sometimes abusive men ice out their partner… it’s subtle but it’s a form of emotional abuse. He’s not lifting you up, because that way you’re stronger - potentially. Maybe you’re not that important to him, maybe he doesn’t believe you’ll leave, maybe he’s telling you what you want to hear, maybe if you did leave he would move on.

whatever is going on with HIM, I would focus on YOU. Do YOU feel excited about him? Do YOU love the idea of having children together?

There are no rules. You won’t be a “good woman” if you have children in this relationship over another or on your own. Be excited about the next 5 years of your life. Don’t waste it in good enough.