I just don't understand this! Completely devastated

[user7572]

I have been in what I thought was a happy relationship for 2 years now. 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned but I was happy because we have always spoken about having kids and I've always wanted to be a mum. My partner (well ex now, so it seems) has treated me horribly and hasn't even bothered to come and see me. His last texts to me were: 'Whatever you do please don’t keep this child. I’m actually begging you now. This is ruining my life I can’t even sleep. If you ever loved or care for me, you will terminate that child.' I've told him he's trying to emotionally manipulate me and he's responded 'I promise that is not my intention. I just don’t want a child with you'. I've told him I'm not having a termination and he has told me he wishes me the best and to let him know when his child's here!

I'm completely blindsided! Why has he been with me for 2 years if he didn't see a future?! Don't understand how men can behave like this. I feel so alone and utterly devastated.

Very sorry OP, you must be so hurt.

Unfortunately words are easily said and not always meant. I think if he'd truly wanted a future, by now you'd have at least moved in together.

How old are you? How set up are you for single parenthood?

Sorry you're in this position op @user7572
But most men don't actually want children I mean they like the idea of them

A couple can have a future whether with or without children. Have you previously discussed this with him and have you both previously agreed that contraception should be used when having sex?

Maybe he's already got a family that you don't know about. The way he goes on about this child ruining his life makes me think that.

He is trying to wriggle out of paying child support. Don't let him pressure you into a termination.

I think many men will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear so they can get a leg over. Even ones who do plan a child can change.

Get ready to do this alone, even if you go for support there are men who go overseas to avoid payments, if self employed fiddle books or take dividends or just simply stop working.

I mean any person man or woman can be with someone who will do for the time being I just think men find it easier.

he has told me he wishes me the best and to let him know when his child's here!

This bit is confusing when he's dumped you because you won't terminate? Why does he want to know when the baby is born? Did he actually use the phrase "when my child is here"?

So sorry.

I would be assuming he had a secret wife/partner and possibly other children, I'm afraid.

Yes, they have discussed children, it actually says so in the OP.

At least you know now that he's a total shit

Sounds like a shitty situation OP. You have every right to be feeling like this.

You have to think about what you want to do, please don’t hope that when they baby comes he will come around and change his mind, you will be doing this alone and he has made that clear.

you deserve much more than a guy who Has treated you like this, He has shown his true colours.

best of luck with whatever you do

What a shit of a man. Sorry he’s done this to you, OP. Don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one. Get on to CMS as soon as the baby is born, because he’ll try to avoid supporting his child. Good luck and I wish you a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby.

The OP says they have discussed having kids and she has always wanted to be a mum, however doesn’t mention what he wants. Discussing something didn’t necessarily mean agreeing with what the other person wants.

He sounds dreadful. In time you will come to see it too. Good luck to you.

It sounds like he really doesn't want a child, and he should have been straight up with you about that from the start.

And he should get a vasectomy.

I completely understand that some people don't want children, but if that's the case he needs to be responsible regarding contraception.

He sounds horrible. It's shock to realise this after two years. I know you must be going crazy trying to understand what happened, but you may never get an explanation that makes sense to a reasonable/decent person. Be gentle with yourself but it's in your hands now. Do what's right for you, and the baby if you've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

'... I just don’t want a child with you'.

As usual, the time to think about this was while abstaining from sex while waiting for his vasectomy. Condoms are still only about 98% effective aginst pregnancy, unfortunately, and that's without considering user error. Why some people (there's been a rash of these types on here lately) think discussing and even planning to have a baby together - or even just having procreative sex - isn't likely to result in an actual baby is a mystery.

it could be completely coincidental, but you almost never hear about a woman swanning off and leaving her husband or boyfriend to cope with pregnancy and birth on his own.

What a cruel way to treat you.

My honest worry would be bringing a child into the world to have a father like this. But only you can make that decision.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Whatever his reasons are for reacting so badly to the pregnancy he’s showing that he cares a lot more about himself than you and your well-being.

He doesn’t have the right to push you to do anything you don’t want to and now you can decide what you want to do based on him not being in the picture.

It really hurts to realise someone isn’t the person you thought they were but you will get through it stronger without him whatever you decide.

I am so sorry op. What an absolute shit he is. Whatever he said is clearly very different in the cold light of reality. Could he have another female, or family stashed somewhere? Either way, if you want the baby, keep the baby, and claim CMS - you can do this.

What a cunt. Do what's best for you.

He doesn't want a child now. He may have 'meant it' when he discussed having kids one day but it could have been in the land of make believe like when people say we should go backpack in Australia. Yeah it might happen, or it might not. Doesn't mean you're ready to book a ticket tomorrow.

I think he is really scared and angry that this decision is now out of his hands. He doesn't agree with the decision you're making and therefore no longer wants to be together. It could go either way - he could have no interest in the child and no relationship with them, or just because he doesn't want the child doesn't mean he won't accept his responsibility and actually have a relationship with them and be a good dad.

It's shitty the way he has treated you. I think he's hoping you will want to terminate if you think you will be doing this without him. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Sounds like a contraceptive failure.

Did you ever discuss when/if you would have children together?

I'm afraid I'd arrange a termination because I couldn't bear to have a child with a man like that.

I'm not sure why everyone is saying 'he should have a vasectomy' because he 'doesn't want a child with the OP' .... I have had plenty of relationships with men I didn't want to have a child with. For much longer than two years. They were fun people to be with but not parent material in my eyes. Doesn't mean I need to run off and get sterilised . !

As for 'we discussed children' what did that look like ? Enthusiastic planning of finding a home together , setting down, perhaps marriage ? Or did you simply take his words of assent 'yes I would like kids one day' to mean he wouldn't mind if you got pregnant.

If so, that's a classic communication breakdown where he doesn't understand the importance you place on that conversation and you don't listen to what he is really saying. Although personally, I would not hAve considered that a man who I didn't live with after two years was chomping at the bit for fatherhood. Perhaps your desire to be a mother made you hear what you wanted to hear. Without thinking it through.

Either way, what is done is done. It's is ALWAYS your choice and he gets no 'rights' in that decision. Equally he has no responsibility either, beyond financial. Sadly as mentioned above, the ways to avoid that are plentiful. I have met children who have never known their father. From similar circumstances, where the mother is absolutely sure he will 'come round to parenthood' when the baby arrives. Only they didn't and again rarely paid.

You need to go into this with eyes wide open that the greatest likelihood is for you to be doing this entirely alone for the next 20 years at least. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is realistic. You need this information in order to gather as much information as possible in order to make an informed decision on your future. Good luck OP whichever way you choose. It's a really shit situation. But I don't 'blame him' anymore than I 'blame' you. Everyone has the right to choose not to be a parent.

I believe many people will stay in a relationship, that they know isn’t ‘the one’ and don’t want it to turn into marriage and kids, because life is fairly decent. Not bad but not the one they see in their long term future.

Sometimes these relationships do produce kids and the relationship drags/limps on. It’s usually men, but I have known women do it too. Settle for who they are with because it’s an easier option. It’s why you see a lot of long term relationships end, then one of them get together with someone else and commits quickly. Because they found the one they do want these things with.

He was telling you what he needed to, to stay in the relationship because it worked for him, but he didn’t really see a future with you.

It must hurt like hell. But it is better you found out sooner rather than later. You need to prepare yourself for single motherhood. Don’t take him back. He told you he doesn’t want kids with you. The relationship will go nowhere and be miserable.

If you want to keep the baby, then that’s what you do. But do prepared for him disappearing altogether or dipping in and out as he pleases, which is often worse for you and the child.

I wish you well.