Page 2 | I just don't understand this! Completely devastated

user7572 · 2022-11-05T17:19:28+00:00

I have been in what I thought was a happy relationship for 2 years now. 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned but I was happy because we have always spoken about having kids and I've always wanted to be a mum. My partner (well ex now, so it seems) has treated me horribly and hasn't even bothered to come and see me. His last texts to me were: 'Whatever you do please don’t keep this child. I’m actually begging you now. This is ruining my life I can’t even sleep. If you ever loved or care for me, you will terminate that child.' I've told him he's trying to emotionally manipulate me and he's responded 'I promise that is not my intention. I just don’t want a child with you'. I've told him I'm not having a termination and he has told me he wishes me the best and to let him know when his child's here! I'm completely blindsided! Why has he been with me for 2 years if he didn't see a future?! Don't understand how men can behave like this. I feel so alone and utterly devastated.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 05/11/2022 18:59

@Icantthinkwhat Great victim blaming there. If he didn't want kids he should have worn a condom.

EndlessMagpies · 05/11/2022 18:59

over50andfab · 05/11/2022 18:18

The OP says they have discussed having kids and she has always wanted to be a mum, however doesn’t mention what he wants. Discussing something didn’t necessarily mean agreeing with what the other person wants.

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Your question was 'Have you previously discussed this with him" so that's what I was replying to. I'm sure if he'd been adamant all along that he didn't want children, the OP would have said so.

mummymcphee · 05/11/2022 19:00

This happened to me. I had no support from the baby's father from day one. It is really shocking when you realise your relationship will not survive after telling your partner you are pregnant. It has been hard financially but I now have a beautiful 11 year old DD. People kept advising me to treat the relationship with the baby's father and the pregnancy as two separate things. Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

Covetthee · 05/11/2022 19:03

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 05/11/2022 18:59

@Icantthinkwhat Great victim blaming there. If he didn't want kids he should have worn a condom.

How do you know he didn’t? The OP said it wasn’t planned, so one would assume
its a contraception failure.

for all we know he doesn’t want kids (with the OP by the sounds of it) and has done what he can to prevent it but that Doesn’t make his reaction right obviously.

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 19:32

Sorry op but his wording ‘I don’t want kids with you’ and the fact you had actually discussed kids makes me think yes he does want kids - he never lied about that - he just doesn’t want them with you

sounds like you both viewed relationship differently

over50andfab · 05/11/2022 19:43

EndlessMagpies · 05/11/2022 18:59

Your question was 'Have you previously discussed this with him" so that's what I was replying to. I'm sure if he'd been adamant all along that he didn't want children, the OP would have said so.

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And I continued on to ask if they’d both agreed that contraception should be used. It can be easy to assume but we really don’t know and I’m not the only one asking this. 🤷‍♀️

PinkSyCo · 05/11/2022 19:47

Are you sure he has actually spoken about having kids or is it more that you have spoken at him and he’s just nodded along now and again? Are you both very young? Could he be scared? Has the relationship been going well recently? It’s hard to know why he’s reacted as he has because we’re not in his shoes. Maybe he’s just in shock? Either way his reaction is not very nice for you, especially when in your mind you probably hoped he’d be happy and excited. I would do as he wished and leave him and consider myself a single mother when considering whether to keep the baby or not. I’m sorry you are in this position though, it’s shit.

lamaze1 · 05/11/2022 19:52

" I just don’t want a child with you"

I'm sorry to be brutal but he has been biding his time until "something better" comes along. Any talk of children or the future was likely hot air to reel you in. You're worth more than this. I'm sorry you're going through it. Don't let him bully you into anything you don't want to do.

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 19:53

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 05/11/2022 18:59

@Icantthinkwhat Great victim blaming there. If he didn't want kids he should have worn a condom.

What complete bollocks. Do you feel super clever for using the tedious trope victim blaming ? Why is the OP a 'victim' . She has 'ALWAYS wanted to be a mum' she is far from a victim, she has what she has always wanted - and even the absence of her partner won't change her mind.
Her ex partner however has no choice but to become a father when he didn't choose to be . I would say he was much more of a 'victim' in all this than the OP . Above all else, she has 'choice' when that is something he doesn't have. (Btw I firmly agree with it being entirely correct once the pregnancy has happen - it's the woman's choice) but nonetheless it must feel pretty crap to have parenthood foisted upon you.

Children should be created with care, love, and a conversation that leaves both parties knowing exactly where they stand. However, accidents happen. (And god forbid I mention this on MN - but sometimes women lie about contraception) We don't know if he DID use a condom that failed. We don't know that the OP didn't make a unilateral decision to be less vigilant with contraception based on the fact that she heard what she wanted to hear - that he would like children . Only he meant it in an abstract way and the OP took it to mean the green light for the baby she has always wanted. As none of us were there - the only logical advice is to tell the OP to be completely prepared to do this entirely as a lone parent emotionally and financially for the next couple of decades .. anything else will be a bonus .

Dacadactyl · 05/11/2022 19:57

Shes a victim because a man who knew there was a risk a child could be conceived is now trying to coerce her into having an abortion. That is unacceptable.

MintJulia · 05/11/2022 20:33

PruSarne · 05/11/2022 17:53

I think many men will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear so they can get a leg over. Even ones who do plan a child can change.

Get ready to do this alone, even if you go for support there are men who go overseas to avoid payments, if self employed fiddle books or take dividends or just simply stop working.

I mean any person man or woman can be with someone who will do for the time being I just think men find it easier.

This. He said what he needed to keep you happy, but really just wanted a casual sexual relationship.

Now faced with the reality of parental responsibility and half the cost of raising a child, he's told you what he really thinks.

Basically he is a dishonest, spineless shit. Sorry

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 20:33

Dacadactyl · 05/11/2022 19:57

Shes a victim because a man who knew there was a risk a child could be conceived is now trying to coerce her into having an abortion. That is unacceptable.

But she is not some stupid 'little woman' without agency and common sense ! She knows as much as him that having sex can equal a baby. It's not a man impregnating some inanimate object fgs ?

Once again. Where is her 'victim' status from. She had sex knowing it could make a baby. She has always wanted a baby, now has a baby and no intention of having a termination. She has what she wants and has the CHOICE to make that decision or not.

Her ex partner had sex with her on the exact same basis but doesn't have that choice. He has to be a parent even though he doesn't want to be.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 05/11/2022 20:38

wackamole · 05/11/2022 18:31

He sounds horrible. It's shock to realise this after two years. I know you must be going crazy trying to understand what happened, but you may never get an explanation that makes sense to a reasonable/decent person. Be gentle with yourself but it's in your hands now. Do what's right for you, and the baby if you've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

'... I just don’t want a child with you'.

As usual, the time to think about this was while abstaining from sex while waiting for his vasectomy. Condoms are still only about 98% effective aginst pregnancy, unfortunately, and that's without considering user error. Why some people (there's been a rash of these types on here lately) think discussing and even planning to have a baby together - or even just having procreative sex - isn't likely to result in an actual baby is a mystery.

it could be completely coincidental, but you almost never hear about a woman swanning off and leaving her husband or boyfriend to cope with pregnancy and birth on his own.

Mine I was engaged to and he couldn’t wait to marry me and have a child.
I got pregnant and he offered me £10K as a holiday fund to terminate and when I refused sent me a solicitors letter saying he wanted a dna test but would not see ‘the child until he decided’.
I terminated him and haven’t heard from him since.
his daughter is nearly 16 and has never paid a penny or seen her and she and I don’t care.

dump him and cease all contact

keep all his texts asking for a termination etc

Dacadactyl · 05/11/2022 20:44

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 20:33

But she is not some stupid 'little woman' without agency and common sense ! She knows as much as him that having sex can equal a baby. It's not a man impregnating some inanimate object fgs ?

Once again. Where is her 'victim' status from. She had sex knowing it could make a baby. She has always wanted a baby, now has a baby and no intention of having a termination. She has what she wants and has the CHOICE to make that decision or not.

Her ex partner had sex with her on the exact same basis but doesn't have that choice. He has to be a parent even though he doesn't want to be.

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Yes and HE was aware when he had sex that that was the score. If he doesnt like it thats tough. He has no right to start wittering on about abortion after he gets her pregnant.

HaPPy8 · 05/11/2022 20:48

How old are you both Op?

beachcitygirl · 05/11/2022 20:55

I'm so sorry Op. this is your decision, not his. Disengage with him, keep the texts & if you want this baby have it. Fuck him, it really will
Be his loss but you do need to be prepared to do it alone.

Having said that I know men who fuck off no matter what age their kid is. There's no magic wand. If you want this baby and have some support. Do it xx

Mari9999 · 05/11/2022 21:18

I think that a man cannot coerce a woman into having an abortion. He may say that I do not want to be a parent ,and I will end this relationship if you go through with the pregnancy. That isn't force or a threat, that is just a clear statement of his position. If the woman chooses to give birth.she has the force of law to compel financial support of the child.

In the same sense a man who may want his child has no means of forcing a woman to carry the pregnancy to term. Even if he says that he will take the child at birth and assume all legal, financial, and custodial responsibility. He has no legal means of forcing the women to not terminate what he believes and accepts to be his child.

In the end both parties have choices. The man actually has fewer available options , because if he is the party wanting the child, he has absolutely no say or force of law that can be used to prevent termination.

It is possible for a single woman to have and support a child without the involvement of the father. Women do it all the time. In this case the OP may be losing a partner, but if he is calling the baby "his child," the child may not be losing a father. He may be no longer interested in the relationship, but he may be willing to be an involved and responsible father. So all may not be lost.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 21:18

@Weebachu Today 18:30

It sounds like he really doesn't want a child

No...he doesn't want a child with the OP.

And he should get a vasectomy.

Not when he still wants kids..he just doesn't want them with the OP...he should have ensured he wore a condom.

Tbf, there's people I was in a relationship with...but I wouldn't have wanted kids with them.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 21:32

@Mari9999

Your post is quite right. May not be what people want to hear...but its true.

It must be quite hurtful though if you thought you were in a good relationship and this is the response.

Not... that he isn't ready for a child...but specifically that he doesn't want a child with the OP.

Knowing that she wanted to be a mum... if he never wanted a child with her, he should have ended the relationship.

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 21:50

Dacadactyl of course he can 'witter on about abortion' what else is someone who wasn't planning to have a child meant to say ! Once again, she had sex with him in exactly the same way as he had sex with her and as two consenting adults BOTH knew the risks.

The only difference is that she is happy about it ( regardless of the ex boyfriend's feelings - which is her right and her decision ) that doesn't mean that he can't express an opinion !

What do you you think he should say ?
Woman : I have some, news. I know it's not planned but I'm pregnant.
Man : Oh .... great (whilst knowing as certainty he doesn't want the baby.) how does that work ? 9 months of argument, rows, resentment etc ? How is that good for anyone least alone the pregnant woman.

At least he has been up front from the get go. Everyone knows where they stand and the person for whom this will end up being the most affected gets to make the choice. Doesn't mean he has to like it and is perfectly entitled up to a point of making his preference for an abortion known. This isn't a Christmas movie where despite his reticence, he smiles and soldiers on, and miraculously falls back in love with the ex girlfriend and the baby.

Along with a woman's right to have a child is a mans right to decide if he wishes to be a parent. The woman doesn't get ALL the choices. The only responsibility they both have is to provide financial support.

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 22:23

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 21:50

Dacadactyl of course he can 'witter on about abortion' what else is someone who wasn't planning to have a child meant to say ! Once again, she had sex with him in exactly the same way as he had sex with her and as two consenting adults BOTH knew the risks.

The only difference is that she is happy about it ( regardless of the ex boyfriend's feelings - which is her right and her decision ) that doesn't mean that he can't express an opinion !

What do you you think he should say ?
Woman : I have some, news. I know it's not planned but I'm pregnant.
Man : Oh .... great (whilst knowing as certainty he doesn't want the baby.) how does that work ? 9 months of argument, rows, resentment etc ? How is that good for anyone least alone the pregnant woman.

At least he has been up front from the get go. Everyone knows where they stand and the person for whom this will end up being the most affected gets to make the choice. Doesn't mean he has to like it and is perfectly entitled up to a point of making his preference for an abortion known. This isn't a Christmas movie where despite his reticence, he smiles and soldiers on, and miraculously falls back in love with the ex girlfriend and the baby.

Along with a woman's right to have a child is a mans right to decide if he wishes to be a parent. The woman doesn't get ALL the choices. The only responsibility they both have is to provide financial support.

Completely agree

sec is always a risk. He’s been up front. Op had right to choose but so does the man

SunflowerTed · 05/11/2022 22:36

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 19:53

What complete bollocks. Do you feel super clever for using the tedious trope victim blaming ? Why is the OP a 'victim' . She has 'ALWAYS wanted to be a mum' she is far from a victim, she has what she has always wanted - and even the absence of her partner won't change her mind.
Her ex partner however has no choice but to become a father when he didn't choose to be . I would say he was much more of a 'victim' in all this than the OP . Above all else, she has 'choice' when that is something he doesn't have. (Btw I firmly agree with it being entirely correct once the pregnancy has happen - it's the woman's choice) but nonetheless it must feel pretty crap to have parenthood foisted upon you.

Children should be created with care, love, and a conversation that leaves both parties knowing exactly where they stand. However, accidents happen. (And god forbid I mention this on MN - but sometimes women lie about contraception) We don't know if he DID use a condom that failed. We don't know that the OP didn't make a unilateral decision to be less vigilant with contraception based on the fact that she heard what she wanted to hear - that he would like children . Only he meant it in an abstract way and the OP took it to mean the green light for the baby she has always wanted. As none of us were there - the only logical advice is to tell the OP to be completely prepared to do this entirely as a lone parent emotionally and financially for the next couple of decades .. anything else will be a bonus .

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How refreshing that you have the balls to say this. Totally agree with you. There a lot if ‘accidental’ pregnancies where the bloke has no say in the matter ! Happened to my cousin ( his girlfriend stopped taking the pill behind his back)!

SunflowerTed · 05/11/2022 22:39

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 21:50

Dacadactyl of course he can 'witter on about abortion' what else is someone who wasn't planning to have a child meant to say ! Once again, she had sex with him in exactly the same way as he had sex with her and as two consenting adults BOTH knew the risks.

The only difference is that she is happy about it ( regardless of the ex boyfriend's feelings - which is her right and her decision ) that doesn't mean that he can't express an opinion !

What do you you think he should say ?
Woman : I have some, news. I know it's not planned but I'm pregnant.
Man : Oh .... great (whilst knowing as certainty he doesn't want the baby.) how does that work ? 9 months of argument, rows, resentment etc ? How is that good for anyone least alone the pregnant woman.

At least he has been up front from the get go. Everyone knows where they stand and the person for whom this will end up being the most affected gets to make the choice. Doesn't mean he has to like it and is perfectly entitled up to a point of making his preference for an abortion known. This isn't a Christmas movie where despite his reticence, he smiles and soldiers on, and miraculously falls back in love with the ex girlfriend and the baby.

Along with a woman's right to have a child is a mans right to decide if he wishes to be a parent. The woman doesn't get ALL the choices. The only responsibility they both have is to provide financial support.

Totally agree

Herejustforthisone · 05/11/2022 22:49

Another day, another failure and cunt of a man.

Honeyroar · 05/11/2022 22:50

I agree too. I feel very sorry for the OP, but he has every right to not want the baby, even if he will have to get on with it whether he likes it or not. But he’s being as honest as he can, to the point of causing the OP real hurt with it. He doesn’t want a family with her. That’s for her to deal with.. Ultimately the OP will get to be a mother, just not in the family unit she’d hoped for, and it’s very sad for her how it’s all worked out. Right now OP needs to focus on herself and the baby, he’s out of the picture.