Dp and me, advice needed please .

[Energyvampirelove]

I am sorry this is a long one . I was a single parent who works and have always had my own money . My dad has lived with me for the last 6 years . I split up with my ex and after a few years I met my dp who was on the fringe of my social circle . He split up with he’s partner and became a single dad . He has he’s dd Tuesday and Wednesday nights and Friday till Sunday night . We dated for a long time then introduced children then after time we decided to move into together . He moved into my home and I have never been happier . He’s dd has been very hard work and her mum cannot control her behaviour . She screams constantly , takes over the house , my room all this is fair enough . My dp works full time at a good job I think about 45 k a year and an air bnb he rents out that he averages 3k a month for . He said he will contribute 500 to my rent and hasn’t never given anything else for utilities . He will go to the shop if I need something or do a big shop now and again . My dad feels I’m being taken for a mug , he has just had an offer accepted for another house that he is turning into an air bnb and my dad feels that everyone would be able to do this if they only had to contribute 500 a month to there loving situation . Dad says that he can leave me whenever and he has built himself up whilst I am paying everything . Also I work mornings at times and dad has got the children ready for school whilst dp has laid in bed and dad said how can a partner /stepdad not help ? Just need advice thank you .

@FinallyHere
I suppose when he first moved in I was so happy after the abusive relationship I never sat down and said exactly what I expect towards us living together . I think it bugged me when he and he’s daughter went on holiday twice abroad that he paid for and I understood it’s he’s daughter but how could I tell my children the man who lives with them didn’t take us on holiday . And then he’s new car , and now buying a second house . I am an idiot aren’t I .

He said yesterday you need to watch your electric as prices are going up and my dad said it should be both of your electric . He’s houses , he’s car , and my rent and bills .

I'm sorry but this man is majorly taking the piss, financially and with time and co-opting his parenting to you. Presumably as he is the main carer he doesn't contribute maintenance money to his ex. Why is he contributing so little? You NEED TO HAVE THE TALK! 500 isn't enough. It would have been best to discuss this before him moving in. Tell him to shape up or ship out. Treble the monthly contribution for starters.

am an idiot aren’t I .

Err, no. Nope. You are not an idiot

You have now spotted that there is something not right here. What matters is what you do about it.

That's always how life works. No matter what happens, what matters is what you do about it.

What might you do about the inequality here ?

Listen to your Dad, you have mug written all over you. His taking the piss big time.

He pays maintenance to he’s ex as he says he’s daughters mum needs it for bits for her .

when we are back from the fireworks I am going to say this all to him and tell him to go and live in he’s Airbnb and he can take me out once a week . How could he not get up and do the children cereal before work .

Sadly he's being financially abusive and using you to fund his lifestyle and his ex's

You are being a complete mug/doormat. You are even providing childcare enabling him and his ex to work to your detriment.

Tell him to pay up or move out - after all he has 2 houses of his own to live in whilst you are trapped renting.

You know in yourself what the issue is. None of this means you are stupid, most of us have strayed into territory we've regretted. It's really important for you to check why you're with him. Maybe paying money to his ex is a bit odd, as he's supporting her but not you. Just think about what you really want for you and your kids. Think of them.

Out of interest, how old is your father?

He should be paying half, minimum.
All the expenditure of the house, split between you and him, your dads input shouldn't be counted.

My dad is 68 and wfh 3 days a week . I don’t think my dad should pay anything .

OP, rather than focusing on wherever you are a mug or not, please focus on the next steps.

You need to sit down your partner at a quiet time and go through your expenses. Put them down on paper and show them to him. Please include everything: rent, bills, food, insurance, etc - everything he'd have to pay if he was living in his own.

Then please say you expect him to contribute fairly and that means 40% of your expenses. He's got the money for it, remember. If he claims he can't afford that much, please calmly remind him that you're, to all effects, subsidising his property investments for no return, and his child maintenance. Please don't lose sight that that's what you're doing at the moment.

Please put yourself first 🙂.

He’s a cock lodger. You help look after his child, you put up with the terrible behaviour, and he doesn’t even see fit to pay his way. Cooking a meal every so often is way below the very least he should be doing, but hey, if it keeps the dim little woman happy to subsidise him, all good. And no that last bit will be his thought process, not mine. He’s never going to be a real partner to you, and the sooner you see that and move on with your life, the better.

That's an unnecessary comment. Insulting the OP is not very supportive, is it? 🙄

I know I’ve acted dim but I’m honestly not . I’ve been through a lot , an abusive controlling ex , my son died , having not many friends as I kept moving to better the area my children grow up in . I have my own business and work part time elsewhere , I just honestly thought it was my time to be happy .

And it can be, OP! But on fair terms. If he loves you, he will realise it's fair for him to contribute a lot more. If he refuses to do so, then at least you know.

And I'm very, very sorry to hear about your son

If you read it you’ll see that I said it will be his thought process, not mine. He’s got absolutely no respect for her.

I said a third as your Dad lives with you but tbh it should be 50:50 and then your Dad's contribution deducted from both your contributions or goes into a savings pot for shared days out, take away a etc.

I’m not saying you’re dim. I’m saying that’s the way he views you. He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you at all. You deserve much better.

You're not dim at all. Stop putting yourself down. It sounds like you are processing a lot of trauma. Please put your self and your family first. Very, very sorry for your son xx

You've just been blind sided after being through so much. It doesn't seem to be an equal relationship. Your dad sounds lovely btw.

Now it is your time to be happy. You've become strong enough to see clearly.
Be brave, have your chat,put him straight and get yours.
You know now you (and your son)deserve better than you have. You are enough, as they say.

Just think, the only negatives in your first post will be gone with this one rectification

“Dim little woman” was unnecessary. The poster is here because she is aware there is a possible issue and wants advice. Offer it without the insults.

It sounds as though he decided what he would pay to you towards expenses and you said yes. You dad has a different opinion a now you want things to change.

Just tell him that you want to continue the relationship but that he and his daughter must live elsewhere. He can then finance his own living expenses. You will no longer feel used accepting his 500 and using his car. Your father will no longer feel that you are being unfairly taken advantage of by your partner.

If his contribution is costing you money, it makes no sense to keep up the living arrangement. You can maintain the relationship while living apart.