Tell my babies tomorrow me and dh are splitting up

[Idontknowhowtodothis25]

Hey guys, first time posting and I am so scared, dh and I have decided to slip up. 16 years together, 10 years married and a dd 8 and ds 5.
I am so worried about telling them, they are both mummy’s girl/boy but they do love their daddy, I’ve read up about it and what to say, when to do it, where etc.

I was just wondering what experiences of telling your kids did you have? Did they take it worse? Better? I’ve literally put my kids to bed tonight thinking it’s the last time before we shatter their world! Am I being dramatic or overthinking it?
crying just typing this!

I have a lots of trauma I’m trying to process from this relationship and childhood as well. 🙈

I remember my mum and dad splitting up and the thing that stood out the most was how my dad never, and this still stands to this day, ever, bad mouthed my mum. My mum did bad mouth my dad and that destroyed me. How you handle the detail of this and the future rather than how you tell them is important.

I did this last Sunday, it was painful and horrible but I was absolutely astonished how quickly they bounced back.
With lots of daily love, talk and openness it’s possible to ease the pain for all involved x

I agree with the above op - don’t bad mouth your other half, however tempting it may be. My mum badmouthed my dad and he never did the same back, and I have so much more respect for him now I’m an adult.

My mum left my dad when I was 7 and I found out by overhearing her talking to her sister about it on the phone 😩. She moved out of the family home and directly in with her OM, who eventually became our stepdad.

The fact that you are even thinking about your children and worrying about how to tell them tells me you’re a fantastic mum and will do the right thing. I still carry a lot of trauma from my parents’ divorce but I know it is 100% from the way it was handled, not necessarily the separation itself.

Make your children the priority, agree the narrative in advance however much it hurts to lie and who is more at fault.

My wife was cheating on me for 2 months, I swallowed my pride and told them it was a joint decision and we would all be happier.

They love you and need you both to get through this 💪

I agree with the 'no bad mouthing' rule.

I split from ex when ds was 3, and I just said that Mummy had a job and we were going to live near there, and see Daddy at weekends.

DS didn't bat an eyelid, ex has never been hands on so ds was completely unconcerned. He saw his daddy at weekends, exactly as I said he would, and took it in his stride.

Tomorrow will be awful, I can still remember the look on my childrens faces when I told them and I’ll never forget the sound of my son crying.

They were sad the next day, and then picked up. They are amazingly resilient but I agree, never bad mouth the other parent. The children will adapt more quickly and be happier if there is no nastiness.

I’ve literally put my kids to bed tonight thinking it’s the last time before we shatter their world! Am I being dramatic or overthinking it?

I know it's really sad & I'm not minimising the pain of getting to this difficult point but you are being a bit dramatic.

You can keep it straightforward and honest for DC without being overly emotional or complicating it.

That's your job as parents; to keep life stable & supportive for them.

Posted too soon. Also to say - the fact that you & STBEXH are on the same page is great & very important, in terms of your DC looking for cues about how to behave and react.

My top tip is to be honest, even if it's hard.

I did this a 2 years ago when my children were 8 and 9.
We were very clear that we were splitting up, didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings. But we talked about how we would always be friends, that we would still care about each other and that they would see lots of daddy.
I phrased it as us all still being a family, but a different type of family now.
And it was awful at the time. But, it didn’t take them long to adjust to our new normal.

Thank you for your responses, no chance I would ever bad mouth their dad, it’s not my style. I need to get this hurdle over with so I know what I’m dealing with, with my kids. My daughter tends to bottle things up and my son generally just takes stuff in his stride, I just hope they will talk to me/us about it and how they are feeling.

Had to tell mine at 14yr and 10yrs.

Except l didn't...l made my XH tell them as he was the one leaving for OW and so it wasn't a mutual decision.

Never forget walking out of work that evening, with my colleagues shouting "good luck" after me as they knew what was about to happen.

DC were very upset. He then left and l dealt with them that night.

5 yrs on... XH is a good dad. Has married OW and they have both been very present in the DC lives. EOW and half of school holidays was established straight away as no way was l going to be left to do everything..... and l think this has definitely helped with their relationship with their dad.

Following as I might soon be in the same position☹️
So much great advise on here already.

But let me ask you guys this: If it wasn’t your choice, if you wanted to save the marriage but your partner wanted out (for OW or otherwise) how did you bring yourself to tell them it was a “joint decision”? I would hate for my kids to think I just gave up on our family as it was, part of me wants them to know I fought.

I KNOW that’s totally selfish of me but I still can’t help feel this way.

Actually sorry OP for highjacking you thread, I’m not really thinking clearly at the moment. I should start my own.

I hope it goes well for you OP and that the other responses have given you some confidence and hope.

I've been exactly where you are my darling, I know this is in no way easy. Had to break the news to my DS at 8, a very emotional boy he didn't take it the best. But you must remember that your babies will appreciate your honesty once they're older more so than they ever can now, and one day they will thank you for your transparency. Sending the best of luck and love with your situation ❤.

IMO, you don't have to lie and say it was a joint decision, but there are ways to phrase it without badmouthing the other parent.

The important points are:

1. they need certainty, so the message has to be really clear that this is a definitive ending, and that will need repeating over the weeks and months as they will quite often harbour secret hopes that you might get back together. There needs to be absolute clarity on that from your end.
2. they need reassuring that both parents love them and that will never change.
3. they don't need to know the ins and outs of exactly why you're splitting up, but they do need to know an age-appropriate approximation of the truth. There will be years afterwards when the details might come out. To start with they can just know that 'daddy doesn't love mummy anymore' or somthing similar. Really no need to pretend that 'daddy and mummy don't love each other' or whatever if that's not the case. Better to tell the truth because they'll remember if you lied. My ex-h told dd that he got with the OW after we'd split, I didn't realise he'd said that and accidentally let slip, a decade later, that he'd had an affair. DD was devastated that he'd lied to her for ten years.
4. they shouldn't have to take sides. If their dad is an arsehole, they'll figure that out eventually. In the meantime, don't badmouth him, keep your arguments between each other and don't ever involve them.
5. give them continuity and plenty of reassurance, for a long time. It can take many years to get over parents' separation properly, if at all. But equally, they don't need to be treated with kid gloves, they should be able to have everything remain as normal as possible but making sure they have the space to talk and explore their feelings.

I've recently had to do this, DD is 7. She did cry when I told her but kids are remarkably resilient and she is doing OK I think. She had lots of questions which generally I tried to answer honestly if possible. Whilst it was more his decision than mine, we are keeping things amicable and I think its helped DD to see us talking respectfully/being friendly. As everyone else has said, totally no bad mouthing the other parent. DD needed lots of reassurance that her dad is still her dad and we both still love her more than anything.

It's still a horrible thing to have to do. Seeing your kids upset is always hard but particularly when you're hurting too. Sending you lots of love and strength xx

Tomorrow will be a shitty day and they might well be shocked and sad - but honestly, as long as the pair of you act like grown ups, tell them you love them just the same, that they will see lots of both of you, and don’t bad mouth each other.. they’ll be grand.

You aren’t shattering their world - that would be one of you dying. They are 8 and 5 - they aren’t babies, they can understand the concept of a different sort of family and very quickly they will remember no different. Don’t make a big drama.

I don’t think you need to get into it.

You just tell them that sadly sometimes marriages don’t last for ever, so what’s best in that situation is to separate and just be friends.

Not to be mean because I’d imagine you are justifiably furious, but you mustn’t take that out on your kids by making it clear to them their Dad is at fault.

Because she is actually a good mum, treated me awfully but that’s life.

She broke my heart, cheated but I will never disclose that to my children.

Divorce & Separation of assets gets more complicated

Wow thanks for all the insights. @HairyMedia you sound very strong, you clearly were able to put your kids first in a very difficult time and I only hope I can be as strong.
@Idontknowhowtodothis25 I hope it goes as well as it can go for you.

My view, don’t tell them anything until you know EXACTLY where you’ll live and you’ve agreed custody arrangements. You must give clear answers to any questions and if you say stuff like I don’t know or I hope, you are causing unnecessary anxiety for them
beclear it has nothing to do with them, mummy and daddy love them, just you’ve decided that you can’t live together anymore. At no point tell them why, now or in future

Thinking of you today OP I still remember the look on my children's faces 9 years on. ExH told them as it was his decision to leave but I sat there while he did. I have never bad mouthed him and he came to dinner twice a week until lockdown (the dc didn't want to go to his he was not a hands on dad) now they are older all contact us done via their group text and they see him approximately once every 6 weeks for a couple of hours. Today will be horrible but try to put on a brave face, lots of cuddles and try and answer their questions. Do you have some close friends you could go to a firework display with this evening with the dc or have a movie night? Little things like that helped me a lot

DS aged 40 now appeared to take it all in his stride but years later to me it destroyed him inside for years and was especially painful when he got to his 20's. He decided not to have any children of his own in case his relationship ever broke up.
Don't be fooled by an appearance of acceptance. Children's feelings run deep.

This is what I’m worried about. We have now told the kids, both said okay, didn’t cry, no questions etc. I told them as much as I could to reassure, like same school, will still see daddy, etc etc etc we love them still, etc but both are carrying on as normal, it’s almost worried me more.

I’ve said we are both here for them or any questions etc but so far nothing, both just either watching their kindles or drawing/playing.

My parents divorced when me and my brother were the same age and no damage done here. Don't remember 'the conversation'. My mum and dad were able to stay very civil and agree with pp that not badmouthing the other is the main thing. X