Tell my babies tomorrow me and dh are splitting up

[Idontknowhowtodothis25]

Hey guys, first time posting and I am so scared, dh and I have decided to slip up. 16 years together, 10 years married and a dd 8 and ds 5.
I am so worried about telling them, they are both mummy’s girl/boy but they do love their daddy, I’ve read up about it and what to say, when to do it, where etc.

I was just wondering what experiences of telling your kids did you have? Did they take it worse? Better? I’ve literally put my kids to bed tonight thinking it’s the last time before we shatter their world! Am I being dramatic or overthinking it?
crying just typing this!

I have a lots of trauma I’m trying to process from this relationship and childhood as well. 🙈

Do you argue a lot? Or are you quite distant from each other? It may be that they've seen it coming for a long time so aren't really surprised. Or it may be that it hits them like a tonne of bricks later. At least now you've told them you can start to move forward.

i have recently been through this and chose to tell them separately. I said a break at first. I thought it would be less shocking. A couple of months later I told them for now we are staying separate. Me and dh parent amicably now. He has them when I work, sometimes comes for dinner. I have been tactful about what I have said. I have also chosen to only tell select friends what our story is. As I was mindful of people gossiping and that’s not fair on the children. It was an awful day one of my children went into panic mode. But life is calmer now and they know they are loved and they are doing ok.

Sounds like you and your DH will do what’s best for the DC so try not to worry. Just make sure ye are on the same page and keep things simple but constantly reassuring them that it will be ok. Once they see that I’m sure they will be fine. I am a worrier too especially when it comes to my kids. My EXH constantly bad mouths me to my children. They tell me about most of it but he’s always been like that so it doesn’t surprise me anymore. When we were splitting up he sat the kids down and told them we were splitting up because mom doesn’t want us to be a family anymore but he is trying his best to get me to change my mind. It broke my heart and I wasn’t able to stand up to him but I talked to them constantly on my own reassuring them we would all be ok. Best of luck

This is amazing to hear thank you. My parents divorced as well but I couldn’t stand my dad so I was pleased about it. I was my sons age and I can’t actually really remember it all anyway. So hoping my son will be the same maybe. But their dad is good with them. Which is why I worry so much.

XH wanted to say it was a mutual decision. I said no way as it wasn't.

He said that he didn't love me anymore and so he is leaving.

He said that he didn't love me anymore and so he is leaving.

God. That's incredibly brutal to say to children.

I don't see why the decision and how it was made have to be communicated to children anyway.

In my case, my abusive marriage ended very messily. H refused to tell the DC, or rather made assurances that he would but then didn't show up. I had to tell them myself. They were young and so I told them that H would be moving out and living elsewhere. In later weeks I said that he wanted different things and wasn't happy. (9 years on they have a much clearer picture of what he has done & who he is).

I think the details are not necessary for young children. Just the facts, and the plans and to reassure them.

I had to tell my 6 year old

She was more upset that I was upset.

I was left to tell her as her father is a coward. I refused to use language that included any suggestion that this was what mummy wanted etc. because it wasn't. I made it clear he was leaving us and it was his decision and his alone. And that her and her siblings and I were now a team.

When she's older she can know the full story warts and all. I won't hide it from her. I refuse to protect him that way

We have for our whole time together always bickered and argued, less since the kids as haven’t wanted to argue in front of them but we have unfortunately have argued in front of them and the worst was about a month or so ago which my dd heard and was pretty traumatised by. Since then we have been pretty distant. (Argued via text but not in front of them). I knew back then we were coming to an end. But was in denial I guess.

so just for anyone that is unfortunately going to be going through this at some point soon, this was my experience if it helps at all.
we told them around about 8.30am (I wanted to get it out the way) we used simple but definite language as to not give hope we were getting back together (we won’t be) we just said we couldn’t live together anymore that we had thought and talked hard about it and this was the best solution. We loved the kids very much, reassured them they would still see daddy etc etc.
my daughter went stoney faced and didn’t really do anything, I could see she was trying not to cry so lots of reassurance it’s okay to cry it is sad but for the best etc etc, but still even now no tears from her. And my son looked a little shocked I ask if he was okay or had any questions he jumped up and started doing a funny dance (he’s the joker of the family) and said he was fine. No tears from him, I asked a few times were they okay? Any questions? Told them it’s okay to feel upset etc etc but nothing at that point.
I left it but we kept reassuring them through out the day to ask any questions etc.
late on in the morning my daughter asked where he will stay I explained at his work (he’s in the navy) they have cabins there. For a bit then he will see from there. And then my son asked if he would come for Christmas Day, I said yes if he’s not away working and wants to. Which they both seemed okay about.
my son then went to a bday party in the afternoon with his dad (and got us all Costa on the way home) and I stayed home with dd and we had a little pamper session and watched a film, then later we all did sparklers together.
I basically tried to make other lasting memories so it wasn’t just the day they got told their dad was leaving.
they both randomly appeared to have nice days. I hope this helps someone else as I was so nervous about it all.
right next hurdle, tomorrow when he packs up his stuff and leaves. (Kids at school but he’s taking them and picking them up and I’ve arranged to go out)

Jumping back in just to say what a lovely mum you are op. It’s made me a bit weepy reading how much thought and care you’ve put into this for your DC’s wellbeing.

As someone who had a completely different experience as a child, you should really be proud of yourself, honestly ❤️

I agree. Your kids get their resilience from you.

if you approach this with doom and despair, still calling them babies when they’re both in school… where do you go from there?

you’re making this joint decision for the benefit of your family. It’s not working to the point that you can’t live together- that would be a miserable existence for everyone and it would teach them that you’re supposed to live like that.

so come to terms and own the decision you’ve taken before tell them. Give them the news when you’re feeling stronger about it, that way you can show them it’ll be ok, and be there for them to help them with any uncertainty or anxiety

there’s no rush, so do this properly

X post. You approached that well. Measured and calm and with huge amounts of consideration

so far so good. It’s going to be ok. It really will, whatever happens you’ll get through it

I will call my children my babies until they are adults and then occasionally throw in that they are my babies even then, because they are.
Im sorry you think there’s anything wrong in that it’s just how I feel and act, we are all different.
I also am well aware they are in school and have made sure they will be supported in school as well if needs be. This was not my decision, however it should have been as I have a lot of trauma to work through from this marriage and also have a lot from my childhood/past, which is also probably influencing how I am feeling and behaving. I have been as strong as I can be for the kids and been as nice as I can and very neutral and peaceful for the sake of the kids when actually all I want to do is scream and shout and let everyone know what I’ve just been through for the last 16 years. And yes I’m aware I should have left years ago but security and structure and at the time thinking you are doing the best for your children took over.

And I haven’t approached this with doom and gloom I am whatever way I look at it, looking at potentially being homeless at some point with 2 children in this current climate. I have to be realistic about it and not try and bury my head. However I obviously haven’t mentioned anything about this side to the kids so they still feel as secure as possible.

just to update others, today has been a bit more up and down. They had swimming lessons around lunchtime and before this ds barely talked and could barely look at me. This afternoon since coming back he’s had a few meltdowns at different things and become quite angry. I’ve had to cuddle him in and he’s said he’s sad and upset and told his sister that as well. I’ve again tried to reassure him about everything, whilst x has declared he’s just tired, nothing else wrong with him.
dd has seemed okay. (Ish)

Thank you. I feel like I’ve failed somewhat today though. I thought a chilled one just with their usual swimming lessons was needed but there’s been a few tough moments.

took a shower earlier just so I could go and have a good cry to myself. I know this will pass but being in it currently feels like it’s breaking me. I’m not as strong as a lot of you women on here seem.

Definitely don't badmouth.

I work with 2 children who have divorced parents (both have moved on and have new girlfriend/boyfriend). My god, the vile things that comes out of the Dad's mouth particularly re his ex is disgusting. In front of me. In front of the children.

It makes me feel awful - and I"m nothing to do with it all. The kids behaviour has definitely been affected too.

Also, please don't tell them until you are absolutely 100% certain. My best friend had the big convo as dickhead husband walked out on them. 3 weeks later he came back and they 'resolved' everything. What an utter mess for the children who are still affected by this 5 yrs on.

@Idontknowhowtodothis25 Thanks for sharing your experiences. You sound a great mum and I think you are strong.
we’ll be in this position soon too of telling DS which I am utterly dreading. But taking on board lots of advice here and elsewhere and will well plan the convo.
look after yourself

We were teenagers when our parents split. The response was thank fracking god.

the upset came when they reconciled.

by 8, i was desperate for my parents to divorce and would have celebrated the news. At 5, i would have been scared of the change, despite having enough evidence by then to know it was justified.

@Idontknowhowtodothis25 just wanted to express my admiration for how you’ve handled this, despite your own emotions. Just wow. As someone facing down the barrel of this particular gun right now too I can only hope to be this brave. You sound like an ace mum. Keep hanging in there.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m not use to them if I’m honest. I’m not feeling brave at all and I don’t think acting brave either. Honestly internally I’m having a melt down! I need tomorrow over with and need to feel a little more settled as well, we are also having work done in our bathroom which sounds so trivial but I need that finished with so I can just be at home and be able to be comfortable. It also feels weird and horrible that it was started by the 2 of us, yet finished with 1 gone. I am overthinking everything. Sorry guys!

@Idontknowhowtodothis25

you don’t have to be brave or feel brave. This is an awful time.

i am 6 years the other side of what you’re experiencing. My 2 DC were 4 and 6. The. Eldest ran out of the room crying. It was a horrible day and I won’t ever minimise it.

i felt angry and so so sad for us all. BUT 6 years on my children are happy settled kids. They are 50/50 with me and their dad now. Honestly they are brilliant confident and independent children with social lives and doing so well at school. Me and xh get on fine now. We never spoke badly of the other and this is the key. The DC like chatting to us both at the door on pick ups etx..

you WILL be fine in time I know you will. I feel for you so much today. 💐💐

Just read my message back.

It didn’t take 6 years to get to this point’! I didn’t mean that. It was a gradual thing. Ups and downs. But time heals.

This is so good to hear. I am completely amicable with x, and one thing we have always agreed on is decisions as parenting together and hoping that won’t change. Even now whilst we have waited for him to leave tomorrow we have eaten together with the kids. Watched tv together, chatted as normal. Etc. it’s probably why come the evening once the kids are in bed and I go and sit in another room that my head wonders and it feels like I’m going to explode. I’m holding everything in.

It’s so normal you’re feeling like that. It’s easier to be busy and carry on with your day, then you stop and it all comes crashing down (mentally I mean)

I can remember thinking this is the weirdest moments of my life. We had been together 12/13 yrs. so odd to suddenly not be ‘together’ still communicating though and going about your lives.

Hope you feel ok tomorrow. Remember it’s normal to be upset and cry. Shower is best place to cry! I had 2 or 3 weeks of feeling terrible before i could mentally gather myself together and think straight. I kind of tried to appear ok in public then collapsed at home once dc were with their dad or at school. But like I said this worst bit was over with fairly quickly. Then I threw myself into organising things at home x

Conversely, I think “he wanted different things” is wishy washy and far too ambiguous for young children. “Daddy doesn’t love mummy anymore and is going to live somewhere else” is clear and definitive. Children will of course want to know why their family unit is completely changing and if you don’t give clear answers they will fill in the gaps themselves, probably incorrectly.

Give them the facts: "Daddy is moving to....: And answer any questions in an age appropriate, factual manner.

Whatever you do, don't lie to them. Good luck @Idontknowhowtodothis25.

Re not badmouthing. As the child of parents who divorced (and should have divorced sooner, he was an alcoholic), please do acknowledge that the other parent could have done at least some wrong. To this day I have never heard DM badmouth DF and he was an absolute shit. She’s in her 70s now and still won’t say a bad word about him. He’s long dead. It’s become almost like a form of gaslighting - there were raging rows, drunk driving, I remember so many horrific incidents but even now, DM will not acknowledge that they took place and the marriage breakdown was well and truly DF’s fault. God knows why now - it’s 25 years later! Me and siblings could see all this, still talk about it etc. Things did happen as we remember them!